ROSE'S PAST
Chapter Seven

Rose pushed herself up and looked about the room. A breakfast of fresh fruit and cheese sat on her bed stand, making her stomach rumble. She reached for it, a wave of pain shooting through her torso. She could get up and move about, as long as she didn't twist, but moving as she just had, she guessed, was still too much. She turned straight and reached out with only her arm, bringing the plate to rest on her lap.

"Good morning, Rose," Trudy said, coming in the room.

"Good morning, Trudy," Rose said, forcing herself to smile.

"Well, I came to get you up. Now that you are, would you like to get dressed?" she asked.

Rose pushed her breakfast aside and stood, slowly, but she made it onto her feet. She had been bedridden for almost an entire month but was finally healing at a faster pace.

"How do you feel this morning? Better?"

"Better. Yes. I'm not quite as sore as I was, but I still can't ride." Rose looked to Trudy and frowned.

"We'll get you back in the saddle soon enough. Until then, you keep yourself still. Are there any books you want from the library, Rose? Your mother said something about going out..."

"Freud. Doctor Freud."

"You like him, eh?"

"Yes...because he seems to dislike people like Cal."

"You have something in common. Like I said, all that glitters is not gold."

"And Cal certainly glitters, but he's more like coal," the two girls said together, laughing.

More like coal...the coal king, Rose thought with a smirk.

"Well, I need to go before your mother notices we're taking longer than normal."

"All right. And, Trudy," Rose said as her cousin picked up the breakfast tray, "thank you."

"For what, Rose?"

"Just for being how you are. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

And with that, Trudy left the room.

Rose moved to her window, sweeping the curtains aside and looking down upon the street below. Despite her friendliness and mask of cheerfulness with Trudy, she regretted that moment when she had forced herself to hold on. She regretted that moment with every bone in her body. If only she had let go...just said good-bye. So what if she'd not have been able to do all the things she wanted; she wouldn't be able to now, anyway. She knew that now.

But at least she was going to be able to see a bit of Europe. Cal and Ruth had quickly arranged a marriage, and Cal was taking Rose and her mother on an engagement trip to Europe. Then, they would sail back on the grandest ship in the world and be married in May. Rose let the curtain fall back into place and moved away from the window.

Why did I ever hold on?

*****

From her seat in the parlor, Ruth could hear the servants talking as they washed the breakfast dishes.

"She ate not a bite again, I see." This was Betsy’s voice; she did sound truly dismayed. Ruth had to strain to hear Trudy’s answer.

"No, she didn’t. It’s not that I worry about. She just seems so...different. She’s not the same person I met just a few months ago. She’s kind to us, as always, but otherwise...I’m just so afraid of what may happen to her..." Trudy’s voice faded away, it sounded as if she were trying not to sob. Ruth scowled. The servants shouldn’t be so concerned about what happened to Rose. It was none of their business. But then, their attitude was partly Rose’s fault; she encouraged them by being so kind to them.

Ruth had noticed how quiet Rose had become around her, but it did not disturb her. In fact, she was grateful. At last Rose greeted Cal graciously whenever he came. There were no disdainful looks now, no improper talk. True, she didn’t exactly seem pleased with his attention...but that would change, with time. Ruth had adjusted when she had married; Rose would as well.

She came out of her thoughts to listen to the conversation again. "You should try talking to her more, Trudy. Maybe company is just what she needs right now. I’ll stay and finish doing these dishes by myself. Don’t even give them a second thought."

"Maybe I should try. She just seems so...sad, and lonely. Nothing I say ever seems to be the right thing."

"I’m sure you’re doing the very best you can for her, child. Rose has to talk to someone. We’re all she’s got."

When she heard Trudy begin to climb the stairs, Ruth turned back to the letter she was writing, blocking out everything else around her.

*****

Trudy knocked quickly but softly on her cousin’s door. Rose’s response was a dull, flat, "Come in." When the door opened, Rose looked up.

"Oh, you’re back. I’m glad you came." Rose smiled for an instant, then it faded away. "Trudy, you look worried. Is...is something wrong?"

"No, I’m fine. I’m not here to talk about me. Rose...I...I’ve been so worried about you. I can see how unhappy you are, and I just wish I could help. Isn’t there something I can do?"

Rose smiled again, sadly now. She wished she knew of a way that Trudy could magically fix everything. She knew that wasn’t possible; they both did.

"Trudy, I know you want to help, and I thank you for that. All you can do is what you’ve been doing. Talking to me, and really listening, too. The only other thing I can suggest is something I already know you will do."

"What is that, Rose?"

"Keeping that promise you made to Daddy. With you here, I really do feel better. Without you, Betsy, and Myrtle, I don’t know how I would manage. I realize I’ve never told you, but I...I love you, Trudy."

Tears sprang to Trudy’s eyes. "I love you, too."

Rose looked ready to cry as well. "I’d like nothing better than for you to stay here, but I don’t want to keep you from your work. Mother will find out and get angry. We can talk later, after she’s gone to bed, all right?"

"Yes, Rose. I promise, tonight I will come sit with you, we can talk about anything you like."

After saying a very soft good-bye, Trudy stepped out. Rose sighed. She wanted to tell Trudy everything, all of her thoughts, her feelings. She was afraid to, for some odd reason, but no matter what it took, she was determined to do it.

*****

Rose sneaked out of the house, slithering through the kitchen first to grab an apple, then out to the stables. None of the maids had seen her, and her mother was in her bedroom, retired for her daily nap. She tiptoed down the hall of stalls to the last one, where her beloved mare stood, ungroomed, uncared for, save food and water.

Rose smiled happily as she offered the golden mare the apple. Gem's velvety lips tickled Rose's hands and she gently took the apple from her. Rose stroked her mare's neck, then looked at her hand in dismay--it was covered with dirt. She frowned, then limped to where they kept their brushes and tack, grabbing a currycomb, dandy brush, and comb. She rushed back, smiling happily, and slipped into the stall.

She went about brushing the mare furiously with the currycomb, then with the dandy brush until the palomino's coat shimmered gold. Then, she set to brushing Sun Gem's mane and tail until they were silky smooth--as they had always been kept until last month. By the time Rose was done, she was dirty, hot, her sides were aching, and she had no chance of stealing by her mother again, but she didn't care. Rose smiled at Gem, and the mare nuzzled her gently on the arm. She stroked the streak of white that seemed like a bolt of lightning down the mare's face, then turned to leave.

Rose limped down the long corridor, haphazardly tossing the brushes in the tack room and rushing back to the house as quickly as her sore body would allow.

"Rose! Rose, where have you been? I've been searching all over for you!" Ruth exclaimed as Rose stepped in the back door of the kitchen. "You're filthy!"

"What are you doing in the kitchen?" Rose countered bitterly. "Only the servants come in the kitchen, Mother. You haven't possibly have stooped to actually preparing something for yourself, have you?"

"Rose DeWitt Bukater! How dare you say such a thing to me! I was in here merely looking for you! Now, go clean yourself up. You look like heathen, and someone is here to see you."

"Cal, no doubt," Rose mumbled.

"Of course, dear. Who else?"

Perhaps someone I don't despise...Rose thought to herself. But of course, she simply hurried upstairs, washed her face and arms and asked Trudy to help her change.

"Hello, sweetpea," Cal greeted her as Rose came down the stairs. Rose frowned. She hated that name.

"Good day, Cal." She smiled sweetly.

"Will you join me on a walk? It's such a lovely day." He offered her his arm. Rose sighed and accepted it, walking out the door and passing her satisfied mother. "What took you so long to come down?" he asked.

"I needed to wash up."

"Well, what were you doing that made you dirty enough to need to wash up?"

"You're not my bodyguard, Cal. You don't need to know everything I do. If I wish to roll in the mud or spend the entire day scrubbing myself clean, it would be no business of yours."

His first reaction was to spin her around to face him and smack her, but she was still injured...he couldn't do that. So, he simply bit his tongue. He would teach her. When she was finally better, he would teach her just exactly how to treat a man of his caliber...

*****

That evening, Rose asked Trudy to help her change quite early. Between being out to the stable, and the extended walk with Cal, she was exhausted. But after getting into her nightclothes, Rose settled into bed and waited for her mother to go into her room.

When Trudy was at last able to come to Rose’s room, it was nearly eleven o’clock. She settled comfortably on her cousin’s bed.

"I thought Mother would never go to bed! I’m so glad you came. I do wish you didn’t have to be so careful, that Mother could accept you for who you really are." Rose knew her guilt showed in her eyes; she couldn’t help it. They were cousins, and they weren’t even allowed to be as close and friendly as they wanted to be.

"Rose, it’s all right. I’m just so glad I can be here, so you aren’t so terribly alone. You’ve just been so unhappy. No one can blame you for that. I’m just so glad you’re finally getting better. When we thought you were...I’d never been so afraid!"

"I’m sure it was terrible for you, I’m sorry. To be honest, sometimes I wish...that I had died. I’m more than unhappy, Trudy. I’m miserable. I miss Daddy so much. And now, Mother...and Cal. They don’t care what I want. They don‘t even ASK me what I want."

"What do you want, Rose?"

Rose paused, surprised at her cousin’s directness. Then, she had to struggle to find the words to express her desires, her dreams. "I want to see so many places...really see them, not just go around the world shopping. I hate shopping. I’m starting to lose myself, Trudy, and I...I want to find out who I am again...before it’s too late..." Rose had such a distant look in her eyes that Trudy was frightened, but she waited patiently for her cousin to continue.

"I know why Mother has done this to me. It's because of the money. It’s always about the money. I wish I were engaged to someone I loved. But I don’t believe I can do anything now. Even though I’m angry with Mother for putting me in this position, I still love her, and I...I want her to be happy. I will marry Cal, because it is what she wants. I know it sounds like I’m just dooming myself, but I can’t walk away from this. I KNOW it’s wrong, but I just can’t...I think, if I do this, and make Mother happy, maybe...just maybe she will be able to love me again."

Rose met Trudy’s worried gaze, tears glistening in her eyes. When Trudy spoke, her voice was weak. "I do hope you get your wish, Rose. All I can say to comfort you is that I will be here with you, no matter what happens. I promise. I want you to promise me something, too."

"What is that, Trudy?"

"That even if things don’t turn out like you’re hoping they will, that you will still talk to me like this. Tell me what you’re thinking and feeling. You're being so...detached...it frightens me, Rose."

"I know it does. I am sorry, Trudy. I’m surprised you even want to stay. Sometimes I think there is nothing left of the person I was, the person Daddy loved. That maybe no one can really love me..." Rose abruptly began to cry, very softly. Trudy gently pulled her into her arms. "I love you, Rose. I always will. You just go ahead and cry, I’ll stay for as long as you need me."

Through her tears, Rose managed to utter two words. "Thank you." The cousins sat there like that for a very long time, until Trudy realized Rose was asleep in her arms. As gently as she could, Trudy lowered Rose to her pillow, then covered her up with the blanket. Then she left, very reluctantly.

*****

Rose frowned as she awoke to find that black clouds hid the sun's warm face. She heard her mother down in the parlor--talking with Cal. She stood, grabbing her robe and tying it securely, slipped her feet into her slippers, and tiptoed out into the hall, pausing at the top of the stairs.

"Caledon, you know that I would never ask this of you, but we are in dire need of financial help."

There was a pause, and in that pause, Rose stopped breathing.

"I am giving you my daughter's hand in marriage. Please, Caledon, help us with this. What with Rose's new doctor bills and what's left of Joseph's old ones, we are in debt more than a thousand dollars."

Another pause, and Rose resumed breathing.

"All right."

"But you needn't worry about all of it. I can get three hundred."

"Whatever you need."

"Thank you, Mr. Hockley. Now, I'll have the maids wake Rose. Trudy--"

Rose hurried back to her room and crawled into her bed.

"Rose, are you awake?" Trudy asked, inching into the room.

"Yes, Trudy. Good morning," she said, trying to push enthusiasm into her voice.

"Is something wrong?"

"Nothing new," Rose lied. She smiled sadly.

"Well, what would you like to wear? Black, black, or black, eh?"

Both the women laughed shortly.

"Lavender," Rose said quietly.

Trudy smiled at Rose as she took a simple black dress from the closet. "Lavender coming right up!"

Trudy dressed Rose, this time with small chitchat about nothing really. Then, Rose headed downstairs to meet Cal, waiting for her already.

"Good morning, Cal. You're here quite early this morning."

"How could I stay away, sweetpea?"

She forced a smile across her face.

"Join us for breakfast, Cal," Ruth invited, stepping into the marble floored parlor.

"A lovely invitation. I think I shall take you up on that."

Inwardly, Rose frowned and groaned, but outwardly, she smiled...after all, outwardly, she was everything a well brought-up girl ought to be. But inside, she was screaming...

Chapter Eight
Stories