ROSE'S PAST
Chapter Eight

A few days later, Rose began her day feeling more cheerful than usual. She had been allowed to sleep late, which meant that Cal would most likely not be visiting. As soon as she was dressed, Rose headed for the stables, not caring if her mother found out. When she got there, Rose frowned deeply. Gem’s stall was empty. That made no sense. No one had ridden her since the accident. She was still standing there, puzzled, when Charles approached.

"Charles, where is my horse? She should be right here."

"Yes, Miss, I know she should. I'm sorry."

Charles was not looking her in the eye. A knot of worry began to form in her stomach.

"Please, just tell me where she is. Did something happen to her?"

"Oh, she's perfectly healthy. She just isn't here anymore. She's not coming back, Miss."

"Why not? Where is she? Tell me, NOW!"

"Well, your mother...she sold your mare, Miss. Just yesterday. I thought she'd asked you..."

Rose heard no more of what Charles said. She turned around and nearly ran back to the house, boiling with rage.

*****

"Rose, please," Ruth said calmly. "What else could I do? We need the money. Besides, your falling is what created the new medical bills. We can't risk that happening again, now can we?"

"It's not as if I will never be able to ride again. And Gem is MY horse!"

"Was your horse. She belongs to someone else now. You'd best get used to that, and quickly."

"Why didn't you sell something else? Like some of those horrendous new clothes you keep insisting we need! Those are just things, Mother. This was my horse!"

"Rose, stop shouting, this instant. When you are married, perhaps Cal will buy you another horse. I can't see how you could be attached to a filthy animal like that!"

Not knowing what else to say, and nearly in tears, Rose fled to her room. Once there, she collapsed on the bed, and began to sob.

How could Ruth possibly do this to her? How could she sell her precious Gem? Joseph had given her that horse for her fourteenth birthday. Gem and the picture were the only two things reminiscent of her father that Rose had had left. Ruth had made an effort to sell everything else that he had bought...or even liked. But Rose had forgiven her mother for that. The doctor bills had been terribly high, and something had had to be done to pay for them.

But this was unforgivable! If Ruth had never taken on the deceitful face of a "caring" mother, then Rose would never had stormed out in her fury. She would never have pushed Gem so hard. Gem would never have fallen, and Rose would never have broken her ribs. Then, there would have been no more doctors' bills.

And she would still have Gem.

Rose wanted to weep again, but could not because of the excruciating pain that was already ripping through her body. Her ribs ached horribly and she felt faint, but despite it all, she forced herself up and splashed some water on her face. She smoothed her skirt and looked in the mirror. But the person that stared back at her wasn't who she was. The girl staring back at her was one hardened by society and oblivious to the pain of others. The girl staring back at her showed no true emotion, only anger. She shed no tears.

She did not smile...did not laugh.

The girl staring back at her was someone she did not know, nor did she want to know. But that was who she had to be.

That was who she had to be, simply to survive in this cruel world of arrogance and ignorance, if nothing else.

She frowned and turned away, tears welling in her eyes.

And she could almost feel the walls being raised around her heart.

*****

Rose sat in the empty stall, her back against the latched door. Her tears had long since dried, but her cheeks still felt as if they were on fire and were caked with salt. She knew her mother would have a fit if she found her here, sitting on the filthy floor in her silk dress, looking like this.

But she didn't care. Why should she?

Rose stood and unlatched the stall door. She stepped out, but before leaving the stable, she leaned over the door once more and gently touched a few strands of her beloved mare's mane that had caught on a splinter of wood. "Good bye, sweet Gem," Rose whispered.

Then, she turned and left.

And never went back.

*****

"Trudy, more tea," Ruth said, not even looking up from her plate. Rose glanced disapprovingly at her mother as Trudy curtsied and hurried away.

"She's not a dog, Mother. You could at least say please--"

"She is our servant, Rose! We pay her to serve us! We put a ceiling over her head and keep food in her stomach! She does not need--"

"Of course, Mother. You are right. Forgive me," Rose said, ending her mother's speech.

"Rose, what has gotten into you? How dare you talk to me in such a way?"

Rose ignored her mother. What had gotten into her? Nothing had gotten into her. But quite a bit had gotten out of her. Kindness, compassion, the ability to show emotions...yes, quite a bit had gotten out of her. Of course, though, she said none of these things. Rose simply kept her eyes cast down upon her untouched food and stayed silent until her mother excused her from the table--like a child. Then, she hurried upstairs and threw herself down on her bed, where she lay and stared at her ceiling until she fell asleep.

Sometime after dark, Rose was awakened by a knock at her door, followed by a voice softly calling her name. Trudy’s voice.

"Come in," Rose called flatly. As soon as Trudy entered, Rose could see the worry in her eyes. But what she said surprised her.

"Charles told me about your horse, Rose. I'm so sorry."

"It doesn't matter now. Nothing will bring Gem back home to me, where she belongs. Of course Mother was eventually going to sell her. She was a gift from Daddy."

"Oh...I had no idea. I wish your father were here, everything would..." Rose cut her cousin off. "Wishing certainly isn't going to help, is it? I've lost Daddy, and now the most treasured thing he ever gave me. I WISH I had a mother who would help to fill the void in my life. I could wish for the rest of my life, but that would NEVER happen!"

"I'm afraid you are right about that. I am sorry. If only there were something I could do to really help you."

"What can you do? You're stuck here, just like me. You CHOSE to be here. Of all the foolish things to do!"

"But, Rose, I..."

"Yes, yes, I know. You did it for me. Did you really think your being here would make that much of a difference? Things certainly haven't improved for me, have they?"

Rose was utterly surprised when, instead of responding, Trudy left the room. She stared at the door, expecting her cousin to return, immediately. When fifteen minutes had passed, Rose gave up waiting and went back to sleep.

*****

Trudy went upstairs to her own room. It was dark up in the little attic, but she made her way swiftly to her bed and lay down on it, beginning to cry softly.

"What happened, child?" Betsy's tone was very gentle. Trudy had of course talked to her often since her arrival. Betsy was quite protective, but that was fine with Trudy. It was almost like having her own mother with her.

"Oh, I'll be all right. It's just that Rose said...I can't even make myself repeat it."

"You don't have to. That child is more and more like her mother every day. In the morning I will give her a stern talking to."

"Oh, no, please don't do that. I know she didn't mean it. She's unhappy, and she took it out on me. It will be fine. I'm sure she'll apologize tomorrow."

"She'd better, or she'll have me to answer to. Making her own cousin cry! Disgraceful! I wish you could have known each other when you were small. Rose was such a sweet child. She never would have hurt anyone on purpose. Not then. I remember the days when she was so fond of me. But, there is no use in memories; the little girl I loved is gone now."

"Yes, she has grown up. But...you still love her. Don't you?"

"I want to. I try to. But she doesn't need or want me near her anymore. I've tried, but there is no room for me in her heart anymore. I often wonder now if she has one at all."

"Of course she does! Why do you think everything hurts her so much? If she didn't have a heart, she wouldn't care what happened, at all."

"I think you're right. I'm sorry, that was cruel of me. Now, why don't you get some sleep, Trudy? You can talk to Rose in the morning."

Trudy quickly but quietly got ready for bed. Just as she settled into bed, she was startled by the sound of a scream. Betsy sat up in bed again. "What on Earth?"

"That sounded like Rose. I have to go..." Trudy's sentence faded away as she dashed from her little room, headed straight for her cousin's, one floor below. "Rose? Rose, are you all right?" Trudy asked, quietly slipping into her room.

Rose was sitting up, her back perfectly straight, as if she had suddenly awakened and sprang up, as one sometimes does at an unfamiliar sound in the night. She turned to Trudy. She was drenched in a cold sweat and her eyes were wide, but as Trudy sat down beside her, she fell into her cousin's arms and began to sob and mumble something Trudy could just barely understand. The only things she could make out were little clips like, "And you...not enough boats...and dinner...dancing...but he was...drawings...it was...was huge...sank..."

"Rose, hush. It was just a bad dream. Shh...shh," Trudy cooed, trying to comfort her cousin.

"But it--it--was so--real," Rose choked out, her tears finally starting to subside. "I don't want to go--" She hiccupped. "On that trip, Trudy. I--" Hiccup. "I--that ship. Cal said we'd sail back. Don't go, Trudy. Stay--" Hiccup. "--Stay here."

"No, Rose. Of course I'm coming! I have to go with you. I could never leave you with those two. I love you, Rose. I'd never doom you to THAT fate." She gently wiped Rose's cheek with the edge of her apron. "Would you like something to drink or a snack to ease you? Should I run a bath?"

"A bath? Please. I think--" Again, she hiccupped. "I think that would be nice."

"Of course. Here; let's just get you out of that dress." Rose stood and Trudy undid the latches, letting the dress slide to the floor then unlaced the brutal corset. She then hurried into the bathroom and ran Rose a bath, beckoning her when it was ready. Rose eased herself down into the bath and relaxed there until the water grew chilly then dried off and slipped into a sleeping gown and laid down in her bed.

But she did not sleep again that night, because of the images of her dream yet lingering in her mind.

The End.

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