ROSE'S PAST
Chapter Six

Rose opened her eyes and looked about the room. Everything was silent. The silence was almost as painful as any noise that might have suddenly erupted. She frowned and inhaled deeply.

Pain ripped throughout her body.

Another breath. More pain. Every breath brought more pain. Why?

Oh, yes. Her ribs.

Rose struggled to sit up. She moaned out loud as she gave up the struggle and lowered herself back onto the soft feather mattress. She wanted to cry. To weep. But she couldn't. Her last tears had caused her too much pain.

"Rose?" Trudy whispered, slipping into the room.

Rose looked up at her cousin. "Oh, Trudy," Rose whimpered.

"Are you all right?" Trudy asked, dropping to her knees beside Rose's bed. "I've been so worried."

"I was so stupid, Trudy. I just pushed her harder and harder. I knew I should stop..."

"It's all right, Rose. Hush now."

Trudy gently stroked Rose's cheek as silent tears flowed down the girl's face. She couldn't imagine the pain Rose was feeling at that moment. She couldn't imagine what she was going through. Her father dying, Ruth's sudden changes, her marriage to Cal...oh, no. Cal.

Trudy turned as the door crept open and Cal stepped in, saying, "Rose?"

"Miss, someone is here to see you," Trudy said, standing.

Rose looked up and frowned, quickly wiping her tears away.

"Cal," she said, looking away. "Why are you here?"

"You are my sweet little rose. Of course I came. I was worried."

"I will never be YOUR rose," she grunted through her teeth.

"Leave," Cal suddenly demanded, turning to Trudy. Trudy curtsied, glanced at Rose, then left.

Rose shifted in her bed, pulling the quilt up to her chin, sensing Cal's sudden anger.

"Never speak to me again like that, Rose," he said coolly. Rose simply stared indignantly up at him. "What is wrong with you, girl? Any woman in America would have me in the blink of an eye, and yet here you are, penniless," he hissed, "and OUT of choices. But still, you deny me!"

"Yes, Cal! I still deny you and always will deny you! My father's dying wish was for my mother not to arrange my marriage to you, and yet, she did! She denied him his dying wish, and so I shall ALWAYS deny you, Cal!"

Without thinking, Cal struck out, his hand stinging her cheek.

Rose looked up at him with the eyes of an animal scared and petrified from shock.

He fidgeted, licked his lips nervously, said, "Let you remember that next time you decided to talk to me in such a disrespectful tone," and left.

Rose's hand ventured to her cheek and gently rested on the spot where Cal had struck, and it would not be for the last time.

*****

As soon as Cal went back downstairs, Trudy rejoined her cousin. She took in the red marks on Rose’s cheek and instantly knew what had happened. She did not speak of it, saying instead, "Is there anything you need, Rose?"

"No, but I’m wondering...where is Mother? She was here when I went to sleep."

"She...she isn’t home, Rose. Errands, she said. She asked me to look after you."

"Errands," Rose began sarcastically. "I’m sure. Of the shopping variety, no doubt."

"Yes, I suppose. That isn’t important. Not now. I know you wish she were here. Will I be a fitting substitute?"

"Of course, Trudy. I’m sorry I am so ungrateful, I just...everything has been happening so fast. This condition I’m in is my own fault. I wish I had been more careful!"

"Don’t think about that now, please, Rose. Don’t upset yourself. You need all of your energy to get well."

"Yes, I know. I wish...that Daddy were here. Whenever I was ill, he would sit and tell me stories, even when I was far too old for that sort of thing. He was a wonderful storyteller. You would have been impressed."

"I’m sure." Tears were standing in Trudy’s eyes. "I think you should rest more now, Rose. You look exhausted."

"Yes. I would never have imagined I could be so tired without even getting out of bed! Will you...stay, please?"

"Of course I will. You just close your eyes and rest now. It will help you feel better."

"I’m sure I will, sooner or later. But I have been meaning to ask, is...is the mare all right? I’ve been thinking that she might..."

"No, no, she’s fine. Charles asked me to tell you when you started to wonder. He said he was sure you’d be worried. She really is fine. I went to check on her myself."

Rose smiled weakly. "Thank you. Do you think Mother will ever let me ride again?"

Trudy wanted to tell her cousin what she wanted to hear. She knew she couldn’t; things may not turn out like that. She answered instead, "I don’t know, Rose. I hope so. Get some sleep now, please." Rose just nodded, then drifted off.

*****

Rose awakened again to the sound of her mother’s voice. "I was wondering when you would get home," she whispered. "What time is it?"

"Nearly two. I’m sorry I was gone so long. I had to find just the perfect thing. I hope you like it."

"For me? What is it?" Rose asked, her eyes lighting up.

Ruth handed Rose a paper bag, sweet aromas filtering off of it. Rose opened it to find a small package of chocolates and three oranges. "Oh, Mama!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around her mother. But she quickly drew back, sharp pains stabbing her both from moving and from her ribs contacting anything but air.

"I'm glad you like it, Rose. I wasn't sure, you being so grown-up now, if you'd still like such things. But there was no use buying you a dress or anything of the sort. You couldn't wear it for quite a while."

Rose smiled at her mother. "I love you, Mother," she said.

Ruth gently stroked Rose's hair and said, "I love you, too." But when she pulled back, she gently reached out and touched Rose's cheek. "What is this, Rose?" she asked.

Rose looked away. "Nothing...I just slept on my hand, I suppose."

"That's not your hand print, Rose. Did someone hit you?"

Rose simply looked away.

"Did Cal hit you, Rose? Rose, tell me the truth! I know he was here."

Ruth's answer was a single tear sliding down her daughter's cheek.

After a moment, Rose turned back to meet her mother’s angry gaze. "I’m all right, Mama. It didn’t really hurt. It did frighten me, but immediately after he struck me, he left. I’m really all right."

"Yes, it seems that you are, thank goodness! How dare he do that? He knows very well the condition you are in! He could have hurt you much more badly."

"Maybe, but he didn’t." Not wanting to dwell on this any longer, Rose changed the subject. "How did you buy these things for me? All the doctor bills..."

"Don’t worry about that now. I thought this was the least I could do. I’ll leave you alone to enjoy them now. There is something I must do."

Rose looked at her mother apprehensively. "You aren’t going out again, are you?"

"No, no, I’ll be right downstairs. I’ll be back later to look in on you." Ruth left quietly. Rose slowly opened the chocolates and ate two of them before putting them away again and drifting off to sleep.

*****

She woke just a short time later to the sound of shouting. Her mother’s voice. "Yes, I said how dare you! Don’t you realize how you could have hurt her?"

Rose tensed, waiting to hear Cal’s voice in answer. When she did not hear it, only her mother’s voice as she went on, Rose sighed with relief. They were obviously conversing on the phone. He was nowhere in the house. Just as Rose began to truly relax again, pain ripped through her body. Pain so severe she wanted to scream out loud.

She moaned and forced her eyes shut. After all, if she was asleep, she could feel no more pain.

*****

The older doctor's clucking and mumbling was what drew Rose out of her slumber.

"It looks as if she's taken a turn, Bill. Come here. Listen, now," the older man said. The doctor laid the cold stethoscope on her chest and signaled for his son to listen. What was wrong with her heart?

The young man lifted his head. "Her breathing is so raspy. What's happening?"

"It might be that one of the ribs is...well, poking her lungs. We have to look out."

Poking her lungs? Rose grew frantic.

"She even looks in pain in her sleep."

"She was doing so well. We'll see. We'll just have to see."

Rose began to panic. Her eyes flew open.

"Ah, Miss Rose. Good to see you awake. And how do you feel?" the younger doctor asked, smiling down at her.

She could think of nothing to say but, "Am I dying?"

A strange look crossed the doctor's face, and he glanced nervously at his father. "You just need to take it easy. No sitting up, no moving about, except when necessary. You should be all right."

"Please don't lie to me. I heard you talking."

"Just lie still, Miss Bukater. All will be well if you will it so," the older doctor said, "Bill, pack the instruments." He took a seat on the bed beside Rose and looked down at her. "The worst thing you can do, young Rose, is worry yourself over it. Just think of happier things and will yourself to get better. There is nothing we can do to heal this, save wrapping you as we've done already, and having your maids give you hot soup. Read a book, draw, sing, listen to music," he said, motioning toward the phonograph beneath the window. He smiled down at her, then stood as Ruth entered the room.

The doctors led her just outside the room, and Rose could tell what they told her was disturbing by the strained expression on her face when she came and looked down upon her daughter's face. "How are you feeling, dear?"

"Not too well, Mother," Rose answered honestly.

"Well, you just rest up. I'll have Trudy bring you some soup at suppertime. Until then, you just take another nap. You look tired."

Rose nodded, and Ruth tucked her daughter in as if she were still a child. Ruth smiled down at her once more, then kissed her forehead and left.

Rose watched as her mother quietly shut the door, wondering if this was what her father had felt before he died. Watching the world go by, savoring each moment as if it were his last...and maybe it would be hers. A tear slid down Rose's cheek as she shut her eyes to try to ease herself back to sleep.

Rose awakened again only when Trudy brought her dinner tray. Upon seeing it, Rose just shook her head. It was taking all of her energy just to breathe. Trudy did not try to persuade her cousin, she simply put the tray aside and knelt at her bedside. "Is there anything I can do, anything at all?"

"I’m just glad you’re here. Please, can you stay, just for a few minutes? I...I don’t like being alone."

"I can, for now. Soon I will be needed downstairs. You need me more right now. You look like you’re in such agony...do you feel worse, Rose?"

"Yes, I do. Everything hurts so much; all I want to do is sleep. It takes so much energy just to breathe, and I..."

Rose suddenly began to cough. Despite the excruciating pain it caused her, she could not stop it. Trudy gasped when she realized Rose was coughing up blood. Torn between comforting Rose and doing what was more urgent, she hesitated a moment before rushing downstairs to summon the doctor again.

When Ruth saw the look on Trudy’s face, she immediately went up to Rose’s room. Rose was still and quiet now, she wondered what could have happened. It was then she saw the blood. Losing her usual composure, Ruth knelt beside the bed and began to stroke her daughter’s hair.

"Rose, can you hear me?" Her voice was more anxious than she liked, but she could not help herself.

"Mama...I am going to die now, aren’t I?"

"No, Rose. The doctor will be here soon; you’ll be fine. You have to be all right..."

"You sound frightened, Mama. I’m sorry, I wish I hadn’t done this to myself, I’m so sorry..."

"Stop that now. This is my fault, you have no reason to apologize, Rose."

Rose gazed at her mother, utterly puzzled. "Your fault? How? I’m the one who fell."

"Yes, but if I had been kinder, you never would have...never mind that, don’t worry about me. You are the one who is important now. Just be strong. I’m sure the doctor is coming."

Rose gazed up at her mother through blurry eyes, and soon, there were footsteps racing up the stairs and into the room.

The older doctor quickly began unload his instruments. He lay the stethoscope on her chest once more to listen to her breathing. An expression of worry crossed his face as he peered down at the young girl. "Mrs. DeWitt Bukater, could I speak with you outside?" he asked, straightening his back. Ruth followed him outside. And while Rose could not hear what he was saying, she knew it all the same.

There was so much she wanted to do. She wanted to go to university and perhaps become a teacher. She wanted to travel the world...go to India, China, Europe, and even Australia. She wanted to be someone...someone besides a little rich girl that married a Hockley. She wanted to be an actress, a singer, a writer, or a seamstress--anything except what she was. But who she was would never allow her to do those things. So was dying really that terrible a thing?

She felt herself begin to slip away.

But maybe she would never have the chance if she let go now. Maybe...maybe if I hang on, I can find a way out. I can find a way out of all this. Hang on, Rose.

An actress, a singer, a writer, a seamstress anything except what she was.

She felt her eyes begin to close. Hang on, Rose.

Her mother came back into the room.

"Rose?" Ruth's voice swam in Rose's head. "Rose? Rose, the doctors said..."

I know what the doctors said, she thought. But it's not going to happen. Not yet. Not here. Don't worry, Mother. I'm not going anywhere...

But suddenly, a wave of drowsiness overtook her, and Rose closed her eyes, immediately slipping into a dreamless sleep.

Rose came out of her slumber slowly, very slowly. At first, she was only aware of sound, unable to open her eyes. Two sounds filled her ears; a horrible raspy sound she knew to be her own breathing, and sobbing. After listening a moment, Rose realized the sobbing person was her mother.

In that same instant, Rose found herself unable to breathe, actually felt herself fading away. Please, she thought. Not yet. She lay there perfectly still, keeping her eyes closed. Suddenly, there was a noise right beside her. Her mother, getting up from her chair, she guessed. Rose forced her eyes open, just in time to see her mother approaching the door.

"Mama... " Rose was barely able to speak, her voice was a choked whisper. But she was sure her mother heard. "Mama, please stay."

Ruth did not speak, nor even look at Rose. She simply opened the door, stepped out, and shut it firmly behind her.

Ruth felt Rose would never understand why she had left just now, and she knew she hadn’t the courage to explain. She knew that she was not like Rose; she was a much weaker person. All the pain Rose had endured these last days...Ruth knew she wouldn’t be able to survive something like that. It was not only her body that was weak; Ruth realized that her heart was weak as well.

In these past few days, Ruth had managed to be more affectionate toward Rose than at any other time in her life. She did love her, she truly did. But now, at the most crucial moment, as it seemed Rose was dying, she hadn’t been able to stay. She had thought, this is what I get for trying to reach out to someone. If this is what happens, I can’t do it. I just can’t. Starting in that moment, it was as if Ruth could feel the walls going up around her heart. The walls she had been foolish to let down in the first place. Rose’s quiet sobs drifting to her ears, Ruth turned and went into her own room, nearly slamming the door.

Chapter Seven
Stories