*_Finding Hope_*

I didn’t know what was going to happen after I made that call that day. Everything was such a blur and seemed to go so fast. Before I realized what was happening, I found myself moving to a large building in Arizona. The people in the building didn’t seem to care about who I was; to them I was just another patient, not that famous idol that the world saw me as. At first I hated it; I hated how they treated me like I wasn’t someone important. The nurses called me “Alex” all the time, never once did they mistake me as “AJ”; never once did they ask me for an autograph or anything like that. It took me a long time to adjust to their treatment; personally I thought that I didn’t get any respect from anyone there. So one day I decided to say something about it in a group meeting that I had with a whole bunch of unfamiliar faces.

“I don’t understand this place, why do you guys not care about me?” I look around at the room at all of the people. None of them seemed to understand what I meant by my question because all they did was blankly stare at me. “Don’t you know who I am?”

The leader of the meeting, named Nancy, took the floor and replied, “Alex, we all know who you are, we know what you do and how you are very talented; however, we don’t see you as that famous person. We don’t want to separate you by treating you differently from everyone else. We want to make you feel welcome and comfortable. Do you understand what I mean?”

Separate me? Treated differently? Make me feel comfortable? How does she expect me to feel comfortable when I feel so different from everyone here? “No, I don’t get it. I don’t get why you think I can be comfortable in this strange place, surrounded by people that I don’t know. I don’t even know you and yet you act like you know me so well that you can call me ‘Alex’.”

“You don’t want me to call you by your first name? Do you prefer Mr. McLean?” she politely asks me as she takes out a pen to write something down.

“No, I don’t like that at all. And what are you writing down? Some notes about how I feel? Or maybe a note asking your ‘boss’ to remove me from your group because I am causing you trouble?” Suddenly I felt as if everyone was staring at me as if I have been accused of wrong doing, “Why are you all staring at me like that? I didn’t do anything wrong, I don’t even know why I am here with all of you strange people who obviously have no outer connection to the real world.”

“Alex, please settle down. No one is accusing you of doing anything wrong. I know that you feel uncomfortable and you are very confused. That’s why you are here, so we can help you. Now please, tell me more about what you want me to call you.” Her voice was so calm, so gentle, as if she was talking to a young child.

“ I want you to call me AJ.” I say matter-of-factly. “Like every stranger calls me.”

“Alex, I don’t think that is appropriate for this situation. AJ is your stage name, isn’t it? Well you are not on a stage; you are not performing some large show for the rest of us. Your just a normal person, you are just like everyone else in here.” She motions to the rest of the people in the room and smoothly says “That is why I like to call you Alex because that is who you are to me, not that famous Backstreet Boy named AJ.”

“But…I…” I began to mumble but than stopped to think about what she said. “Can I just be alone for a while?” I didn’t like all the sudden attention that I was drawing to myself, for some reason it made me nervous and very uncomfortable.

Nancy smiled and nodded, “Sure but can I talk to you later today?”

I didn’t answer her question but instead just stood up and left the room. I walked down the long, bright hallway, keeping my eyes on the tiled floor as I passed by all sorts of people. Everyone seemed to talk to everyone and more then once I heard someone say hello to me. I walked back to my room and sat on the large bed. The room is painted bright blue with warm tan carpet on the floor. The bed is the main focus of the room; however, there is a small desk in the corner and a large window that has white curtains. The desk is full of flowers, teddy bears, unopened letters, cards and presents. The guys made an announcement on MTV just a few days after I got moved in here, so fans all over the world have been sending their support.

My mind was full of questions about this place and the people. I sat and thought hard about what Nancy said, about how I wasn’t a famous Backstreet Boy to her. I came to the conclusion that I didn’t hate how people treated me; I actually liked it. I never realized how stressful my life was, I was never treated like a normal human being ever since I entered the life of a celebrity and everyday I forgot a little bit more about myself. I realized how peaceful this place was, I never had to worry about large crowds surrounding me because of who I am; I wasn’t different from anyone else in this place. With this realization, I finally could let out all of my tension and just relax.

A knock on the door woke me from my relaxing slumber, “Alex, may I come in?” I heard Nancy’s voice from behind the wooden door.

Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I sat up in my bed and answered, “Yeah, come in.” She slowly opened the door and walked into the room to face me. “I was meaning to come talk to you, I guess I just fell asleep.”

“That’s ok, you looked like you needed some good sleep.” She walked over to pulled out the chair from the desk and sat down. “How are you feeling now? Better I hope.”

“Yeah, I’m ok.” I take a moment to think and than say, “I have been thinking a lot about what you said and well…I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for how I acted today. It took me a long time to realize how different this place is and how easy it is to relax in here. I like this atmosphere and I like how you guys all treat me like a normal person because that’s what I am, just a simple, normal human being.”

She sat quietly and listened to every word, every now and then she would nod or smile at me. When I was finished she simply said, “I am very proud of you Alex, you have taken the hardest step and accepted the fact that you need help, you were the one who made that call, and you are now the one realizing that everything can get better. I want to give you every opportunity to speak your mind, even when you are not happy and just feel like you need to yell, cry or simply just change the topic of the conversation. Everyone here is ready to get to know you; however, they won’t ask you any questions that might make you uncomfortable, nor will they treat you like a celebrity.” Her gazed shifted from me to the desk. “Even though, I must say, you have a lot of fans out there who truly love you and support you. Are you planning to open some of those anytime soon?”

“I don’t know…” I mumbled. “Just the thought of what some of those cards say makes me uneasy. I know that’s probably strange to hear…I don’t know…do you think I should open some?” My mind still felt heavy with sleep, making it hard to think straight.

Nancy just smiled at me and shrugged, “ I understand what you mean…if you are not ready to open them, then you should wait until you are. I believe it will be easier to read some of those cards and letters when you are comfortable with everything going on around you, that way you will enjoy it much more.”

Nodding, I think more about everything that has happened to me in the last week. Within a week, I have an abundance of presents from fans; I wonder how much more is to come? That simple thought sends a warm feeling through my body and I just smile. “You’re right, I should wait until I am ready to really enjoy them. Thanks Nancy.”