*_Finding Hope_*

I stood back and watched as Alex told the group about the hard decision that he has made. All of the guy’s faces revealed the same astonishment that I felt when I heard him say, “ I need professional help.” But I wasn’t worried anymore, I began to understand that he was facing a major problem and I knew I had to stand back while he gets the help he needs.

“AJ, we are all proud of you man.” Brian was the first to speak after Alex finished his statement. He smiled at Alex as he stood up and pulled him into a warm hug. “Anything you need, you got it. We’re all just a phone call away, right guys?”

“Yeah AJ…Do you want one of us to make the call for you?” Howie followed Brian’s lead and was the next to stand and hug Alex. “ Because I will do it for you.”

“No, I need to do it for myself. But I want all of you there for me when I do it.” He looked across the room at me as he spoke. I could see that he is afraid so I gave him a warm smile.

“I am not going anywhere, honey.”

“I know…” His voice trails off. Standing in the middle of the large room, suddenly he looks small, alone and scared.

“Hey man, are you alright? Why don’t you come sit down? Nick go get a big glass of water for him.” Kevin takes control of the moment, and takes Alex by the arm, leading him to the large leather chair. I should go to help him, but I can’t make myself move, so instead I keep strong eye contact with Alex, making sure to continue smiling at him.

“Sure thing Kev.” Nick begins to walk towards the kitchen, but than stops and turns to ask, “Does anyone else want anything while I am in the kitchen?”

“Yeah, could you get me a Pepsi?” Brian politely asks Nick, than suddenly smiles and adds, “Oh, and maybe a cookie…urm, no. How about two cookies?” Nick rolls his eyes and begins to walk away, Nick! You better make that four cookies!” Laugher fills the room as Nick throws a pillow at Brian. I watch Alex’s _expression lighten up as he turns to see what is happening. “Hey man…what’s that about? I am just telling you what I want!” Brian turns to look at Alex, as if to double check on him. Alex’s warm _expression seems to be the answer Brian was looking for as he begins to laugh some more.

“I really did miss you guys.” Alex quietly says and then turns to Howie, “Howie…can you hand me the phone, I need to make that call…now.” Alex’s question breaks the laugher and I could feel the tension come back into the room. Howie picks up the phone, but before he handed it to Alex he looks around the room at everyone, as if confirming the final decision. “Howie?” Once again Alex’s voice flows through the room. Howie looks back at Alex and finally puts the phone into his open hand. “Thanks man.”

I had to break the tension and bravely ask, “Are you sure you want to do this now, Alex?” I can’t help but wonder if now is the best time for him to do this. “I mean…you do realize what’s going to happen once you make that call, right? The media will be all over it…”

“Yes mother, I know exactly what is going to happen. It scares me to death to think about it; however, I know what I have to do…and I feel ten times more conformable with all of you guys here with me.” His eyes scanned the room, making eye contact with all the boys, excluding Nick, who was in the kitchen. When he came to look at me, I suddenly felt something that I haven’t felt in a long time. I felt relieved; his eyes said everything that he could never admit. I saw that he finally admitted to himself, he let go of his pride and opened his eyes to the harsh reality.

“The media doesn’t have to be involved if we don’t want them to be…” Brian calmly adds to the conversation. “ I mean…they will only know what we tell them, right? AJ could just go on a quiet trip or something like that.”

Alex shakes his head, disapproving of Brian’s idea. “ I don’t want to lie about this anymore. I think our fans deserve to know what is going on and the only way to do that is to tell the media what’s going on.” He kept his eyes locked on the large picture window as he spoke, almost as if he was ashamed of what he said.

“Alex, we don’t have to give any details until you are ready to give them. All we have to tell the media is that you went to get help for some personal problems.” I know what he is thinking and so I quickly add, “If they dare try to dig up more…they will have to do a lot of digging.”

He tries to look at me, but then looks down at the floor and mumbles, “Yeah…I guess.”

Nick returns from the kitchen with a large glass of water and a handful of cookies. He gives Brian a bunch of cookies and then turns to set the large glass of water down in front of Alex. He looks at Alex holding the phone and says to him, “I’ll go get the phone book for you, AJ. Be right back.” I watch him wonder back into the kitchen and then return my eyes back to Alex. He seems to be off in a daze, thinking about something.

Once again, Nick returns from the kitchen, carrying a large, black phone book that he sets down next to the large glass of water. The room was so quiet; for a moment, it felt as if I could hear Alex’s heart skip a beat as he looked down at the book. The silence was so scary that no one wanted to be the first to break it; no one even wanted to move, or breathe.

Suddenly Kevin reaches out to take a hold of the phone book. He begins to flip through the pages; Alex just sits back and watches Kevin skim the pages until he finds what he was looking for. Slowly Kevin looks up at Alex and then as if he read his mind, he begins to read the number. Alex slowly dials the number and puts the phone to his ear.

“Hello. My name is Alexander James McLean. I want to admit myself for drug and alcohol abuse….”