*_Finding Hoping_*

One thousand words would not be able to explain everything that has happened over the last two weeks. Everything seemed to get worst when I sat alone in that gloomy hotel room, and not even that dark drink could put my mind at ease. I tried to think of what was wrong, and why I wasn’t happy, but every thought ended the same way. I felt like there weren’t any answers to all the questions that were flowing in my mind.

I heard a knock at the door, but I didn’t want to interact with anyone. I just wanted to stay in this musty room, alone. The knock continued for a few moments, and I heard Kevin’s voice instruct me to open the door. I closed out the sound and took another gulp of my dark drink. That’s when it happened; the door shattered as Kevin kicked it down and walked in to face me.

“Do you realize how worried you have had everyone? What the fuck do you think you are doing? Running away from your life, family and friends?” His voice was full of anger, and if I hadn’t drunk that last drink, I might have been a little scared. “Look at yourself AJ! You are a drunken slob, hiding from society in this dark, shitty hotel room!”

“Why are you here, Kevin? Don’t you think I realize what I am doing? Yes, I am hiding from everything, because I need sometime by myself. Away from all your fucking yelling! I can’t be perfect like you, so just leave me alone!” I yell back at him.

“Perfect? Alex, what are you talking about? No one ever asked you to be perfect! People just don’t like what you have turned into; this monster that you are. You have lost track of everything that is important, like your job, your fans, your friends and your very own mother! You locked yourself away from everyone without even a warning.” He steps across all of the empty bottles to stand in front of me. “You need help Alex, and that is why I am here! I want to help you but before I can, you have to agree to let me.”

Standing up to face him I begin to yell at him. “I don’t need your help. I don’t need you to be yelling at me and…” But before I could finish my sentence, he hit me hard across the face.

Calmly he looks at me and cooly says, “ Listen to me Alex, the only reason I yell at you is to get your attention. You have been blocking me out for a long time, and I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand to watch you tear yourself apart, what's more I definitely can’t stand back and watch you pull everyone down with you! There is something wrong Alex; I realize that, something isn’t right with you anymore. Don’t you realize that you can’t do this by yourself? You can’t get through life without a little help now and then.”

When I looked at him, every angry thought disappeared. I looked into his deep, chocolate brown eyes to find that he didn’t come here to yell or fight with me. He came here with hope that I would realize that everything he has said was right and that I couldn’t do this by myself. I was lost for words, and didn’t know what to do. But as I thought more about what he said, I did realize that he was right, and I did realize that I needed help. Slowly, I pulled in to hug him, and prayed that he would understand.

I found myself sitting with Kevin in a room that was very familiar to me; the textured walls covered all the dents and marks that I had left behind while growing up. The furniture wasn’t the same as I remember from long ago, but still seemed to welcome me as I sat down. I sat there and waited; waited for the help that I needed to answer every question that I asked myself so many times. My thoughts were interrupted with the opening of the front doors, and a heavenly voice calling my name.

“Alex? Alex, are you here?” I wanted to answer, but instead I just stayed were I was in silence. I watched her walk into the room and her eyes fill with tears as she ran to me. I felt her put her arms around me as she came to hold me tight and I felt her tears on my skin as they fell from her soft face. “Thank you Lord.” She silently prayed, as she continued to hold me close to her, as if she was never going to let me go.

“AJ!” Nick’s voice filled the room. “We were about to call in the missing persons crew to come search for you. Where have you been man, we have all been worried sick!” I couldn’t think of anything to say to him, so I just looked at him. He seemed to understand, “Kevin, let’s go into the kitchen and call the rest of the guys.” I watched Kevin stand up and quietly follow Nick to the kitchen.

“Alex, honey? Will you please say something?” her voice trembled as she barely spoke above a whisper. Just by looking at her, I could tell that she hasn’t slept in days because she was so worried about me. She cared about me, she loved me and she was worried about me when I took to hiding. With that knowledge refreshed in my mind, I searched for words that would comfort her.

“ I love you, mom and I am sorry for everything.” My voice felt weak as I spoke, but I seemed to gain strength as I continued. “ I don’t know what is going through my mind; all I know is that I shouldn’t have cut you out like that. I am sorry, I really am sorry. I didn’t want to make you cry.” I watched her tears stream down her face as she listened to me. “Please forgive me.”

“Oh honey, I am not mad at you! I am just so happy to see your face, your strong, and beautiful face. I know that there is something wrong, and I want to help you. Will you let me help you? ” Her question stunned me. Not only Kevin understood, but also now she seemed to read my fogged mind like an open book. I realized that no matter how confused I am, or what I do wrong, my friends and family will always be there to help me and will always understand.

“Mom, I need help. I can’t handle this by myself anymore. I don’t know what is wrong, and I don’t know where to start; all I know is that something isn’t right. I have tried to handle this by myself, and I just can’t do it. Thanks to Kevin, I know now that there is something more to these troubled thoughts I have been facing.” I looked into her eyes as I spoke. “Mom, I have a problem and I think I need professional help.”

“Professional help? Honey, what do you mean? Tell me what is going on.” Her eyes filled with concern.

“Mom, I think…I mean I know that this problem I have isn’t normal. I feel like I haven’t really been happy for years. And I know that I am trapped at the bottom of the bottle. I believe I’m close to crossing the point of no return, and I know that if I don’t get professional help, I won’t ever come back. It took a hard hit across the face from Kevin for me to recognize what is wrong, and now I need you to understand what I have to do.” Every thought raced in my mind as I tried to stay focused on her eyes; I heard Nick and Kevin conversing in the kitchen and I knew that I had to tell them the exact same thing I just told her.

“Alex, if this is what you think you need to do to get better then you know that I am behind you all the way. All I want is for you to be happy again and to be able to face the world without fears. I am proud of you, Alexander and I love you more everyday.” Her voice was strong and full of love. She understood what I needed to do, and what she had to do to help; I needed all the support I could get.

“I need to tell the guys what is going on.” I say matter-of-factly. “Kevin, Nick! Can you guys come in here, please?”