+Intent22-24+

AJ ran after her, just missing the elevator she stepped into. He dashed into the next one and found Win unlocking the door to her and Jen’s room. He followed her inside and closed the door.

“You want to tell me what happened down there?” he asked as she stood at the window.

“They kept badgering me to tell them about it, so I did. Now they feel sorry for me. I hate that crap.” She replied.

“Win, it’s okay that you were homeless, it happens to the best of people.” AJ said moving towards her, “You don’t have to be ashamed.” He went to put his hand on her but she whipped around.

“But I am ashamed! Any person living in the streets, working crap jobs to afford food and a few scraps of clothes is ashamed of the way they live. I’m not one of those stupid, inactives, that travels the world, because they won’t work. I worked two, sometimes three jobs, just to have enough money to eat! I am not proud of that. I’m a no good, useless, bum. That’s how people looked at me, with oh it’s a pity, but she deserves it, and now it’s just the same!” Now Win was angry. She didn’t cry, she was too angry to cry.

“No it’s not true. You did not deserve to be abandoned, you did not deserve to be kicked out into the world with no idea of how to live. And so what, you’ve been homeless, what does it matter? You’re here now, you’re working, and you’ve got me. No one is going to turn their back on you. No one is going to turn you away for living in the street or taking drugs. You are still a good person, no matter what.” AJ was convinced Win had been just slightly exaggerating the homeless aspect of her life, counting boarding houses and crappy apartments as non-homes. But he now realized the real reason she didn’t elaborate on what her life had been. She was ashamed, and had always disapproved of her own life.

“I have dreams and ambitions just like everyone else. I want to be on my own, I want to be proud of myself. I want to have people look at me and see more than a charity case.”

“You want to know what I see?” he asked.

“What?”

“I see, a strong, independent, courageous, determined woman. A beautiful, friendly, outgoing, smart person. You are everything you want to be, and more.”

“I wish I could believe you.”

“It’ll take some time, but I’ll make you believe it.” AJ said finally putting an arm around her and encompassing her entire body with his arms. Kissing the top of her head he squeezed her close and felt her lean into him.

News of Win’s outburst had quickly circulated around the crew. Now that Red heard Win had been homeless he had new ammo. He was vindictive as ever and constantly threw out remarks to hurt her. Win ignored all his taunts and found that she had quite a number of the crew on her side. Every time Red made a remark someone told him to stuff it. She found that several of her fellow crewmembers had also been homeless for a period of time.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Joey, one of the older technicians remarked to her one day, “As long as you work hard and take care of yourself, and you’re not asking for a handout, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Me it took fourteen years before I got on my feet, same situation almost as you. You’re a good girl, don’t you go listening to Red.”

Each of the guys, and Daemon had all come and apologized in their own time and way. Howie had found her when she was on her way into her room and she invited him inside.

“Win, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed.” He said, sincerely sorry.

“I shouldn’t have burst out like that, I didn’t give you any other choice. It’s a hot button issue with me.” Win replied.

“No, you had every right. I’ve never been homeless, so I’m a little clueless. Nobody ever really thinks about the possibilities. We forget that not everyone has the same kind of life we do.”

“I thank you for your honesty.” Win replied impressed, he’d really gone out of his way to apologize.

“I’d like to make it up to you, I want to take you to lunch.”

“Oh you don’t have to do that.” Win replied hastily.

“No, I don’t, but I want to. Come on, I have a table reserved for two over at Sardies, you’ll love it.” Howie said taking her arm.

“Oh all right, it’ll be nice to talk to another person, face to face without a bunch of other people around. But lets go check and see if AJ’s in his room.” Win replied as they walked out together, arm in arm.

Everyone was gathering in the dining room at the hotel while Win and Howie were walking through the lobby.

AJ sat down at the table, watching two people walking with linked arms out of the hotel.

“Have you seen Win?” AJ asked Tessa as she sat down across from him.

“Oh she’s at lunch with Howie, he wanted to take her out to apologize for yesterday.” Tessa replied airily.

“Why didn’t he tell me?” he asked.

“Because he didn’t think he needed your approval to apologize to Win.” Kevin replied. “Relax, you know she’s not that type of girl.” None the less worried, AJ slunk back in his seat and found an unpleasant rumbling setting down roots in his stomach.

“Hey AJ, Win was looking for you over at the stage, she wanted you to go to lunch with her and Howie.” Daemon said sitting down at the table with Dennis.

“She did?” he asked.

“Yeah, said they were going over to Sardies.”

AJ’s stomach finally was at rest when Win returned that afternoon and told him strait away that she had lunch with Howie, as per his apology.

“He didn’t tell me that the reservations were for one until we were leaving. I tried your room, and we stopped by the venue before we left, and couldn’t find you, I hope you don’t mind.” Consequently though, Win did not take any more private lunches with Howie, in fact no private meetings at all ever occurred again between her and Howie. She did have an idea that AJ may feel threatened by this outing, but she would not come right out and say it. With her actions she reassured him that she only cared about him, and was not interested in anyone else. She was going to be very careful and clear about the message she sent, she cared about AJ, and no one else.

That evening the stage crew was going clubbing and the guys were going out to dinner with management. Win feigned sick and told AJ to enjoy himself.

“I’ll be fine here, you, go, have a good time. I’ll see you when you get back.” “I’d rather stick around and take care of you,” he replied.

“It’s just a bad headache, and I’ve already taken something for it, it’ll go away by itself. Now go.”

“But it won’t be any fun without you,” he tried.

“Just go.”

AJ left reluctantly, Win waving him out the door. She waited another half an hour before checking that just about everyone was gone. When they were, she quickly changed her clothes, slipping on AJ’s baggy green sweatshirt and his red baseball cap that he’d given her when she’d been cold one night. She grabbed her own sunglasses she’d bought only that morning and looked in the mirror. Yes, she was totally transformed from the Winfred Caldon everyone knew and AJ adored into a nameless and faceless person in the crowd.

She slipped out of the hotel unnoticed and walked fourteen blocks to the club she’d noticed on the way into town. “Federline Follies” was the name spelled out in giant neon lights over the large double doors. She entered, pulling her cap down automatically, although her face was hardly recognizable through the sunglasses and hat. It was a gaudy lounge, done in loud purple, green and blue. The front desk was cartoonish and sported a deskman with a jaunty haircut and a purple suit. Win approached and said,

“I want to sign up for the comedy battle.”

“Ah, a yes, here you are my dear, just sign on the dotted line here.” He said with toothy grin, placing a lurid purple clipboard, with an overly elaborate signup page, also in purple on the counter in front of her. Win took the gold pen attached at the board’s top and signed seventh on the page, although only the first three lines were filled out. She placed the pen back under the clip and returned the board to the man. He picked it up and looked at the name.

“Ah, lucky number seven I see. Is it, Miss, Freddie Louis?” he asked trying to lift the cap from her eyes. She jerked back before he could touch it and replied,

“Yes, Miss. Where do I go please?”

“Oh, all right dear. Straight through those doors, take a seat. We’ll call you to come up. Now the rules are, you get ten minutes to do your routine, at which time the audience will be polled to see if they want you to continue. If you last the longest, you win the bucket of tips, plus five hundred dollars from ‘Federline Follies’ and you come back tomorrow night to have a challenger compete against you for that night’s tips. Got all that dear?” he said quickly. Win nodded her head and he replied,

“Well then welcome to ‘Federline Follies’ hope you make us laugh, cause you don’t want you leaving last.” Win walked away towards another set of double doors to the show room. Everything here was also purple, blue or green. Everything was big, gaudy and oversized, but it was clean, and there were no smokers. A guy in a blue zoot suit was up on stage telling jokes, and Win suspected he was the opening act. The room was buzzing with laughter as Win took a seat near the back of the large room.

People ambled in and out causally, and Win sat back, ignoring the comedian, and watched her surroundings. A waitress came by and offered a drink so Win ordered a water to keep her throat from drying up and thanked her.

As the first comedian wound down Win recognized a voice as a group of people filtered into the lounge.

“I told you this place was still here, we came here the last time we were touring.” It was AJ’s distinct rasping voice.

“Yeah, this place is kinda cool.” This time it was Nick. Win heard evidence that AJ, Nick, Brian, Brianna, Daemon, Dennis and three others that she didn’t recognize, walking towards her table. She shrunk down into her seat, pulling the cap even lower and continuing to hold it, blocking her face entirely. Win waited until the nine forms passed in front of her, taking no notice of her, before sitting up again.

She watched as Brian helped Brianna into a soft couch booth and then slid in beside her. They were towards the middle of the show room, a good distance away from her and from the stage. Odds were that they would not recognize her. Unless they walked up to her and stared directly at her, or AJ recognized his clothes she was okay. Realizing this she pulled off the sweatshirt and turned it inside out before putting it back on. She also pulled her hair back and put it inside the sweatshirt. They’d never know it was her.

The night wore on and the comedy battle began. The first person bombed, badly, leaving the stage after only three minutes. The second and third were okay, but were not asked back after their ten minutes. The forth, a woman, dressed in high heels and straight-legged jeans, with big poofed hair and Las Vegas T-shirt, was stiff competition. She lasted the entire ten minutes, was asked back for ten more, and then the audience still wanted more. The fifth and six people were good, but not good enough. Now it was Win’s turn, she had to knock them dead.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Miss. Freddie Louis!” Win stood up to a polite applause and walked up to the stage. She now realized how big the room was. But she couldn’t be nervous now. She thought about the money instead. She forgot that anyone was watching and launched into some improvisation. She hadn’t even come up with an act for the show. Right now was the only time she’d ever thought about the things she was saying.

“Now, there is one saying that I really don’t understand. Now when a woman is pregnant, they like to say, she’s got a bun in the oven. Now ladies, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want any part of my body, no matter how large it is growing, referred to as a piece of kitchen cooking equipment. I mean, lets think about this, if women have ovens, men must have something, like, oh, I don’t know, a turkey baster in the utensil drawer?” The crowd burst out laughing so hard that even Win started laughing as well.

“But I don’t know, I haven’t basted any turkeys lately, I got to get going, thanks for thinking some of the screwed up thoughts I have are funny.” Win gave a wave and departed the mike.

“Ladies and gentlemen, our second contender for the championship, Miss Freddie Louis, lasting a grand total of thirty minutes! Our next contestant a one Mister Bryan Birdie!” Win got back to her seat quickly through a standing ovation and breathed a sigh of relief. She’d done it, she’d made it past the ten minutes, and she’d made it past twenty. After she’d been on twenty minutes the crowd wanted more, and wouldn’t stop booing till she came back on stage.

The next competitor lasted only seven minutes. The ninth and tenth competitors were no match for Win and both balked. There were no more people to compete. It was now down to just Win and Las Vegas lady. Las Vegas lady went back up and did another twenty-minute set to a roaring applause. She was now beating Win by ten minutes.

When it was her turn Win returned to the stage and steamrolled ahead. When she finished, the applause was so loud it was deafening. The crowd stood up and hollered and cheered and roared. After the noise died down, the battle host came up onto the stage and announced the scores.

“Now with sixty minutes, an all time new record for ‘Federline Follies’, is Miss Freddie Louis. And Miss Eliday Messer is still not out of it with forty minutes. We’re going to do the applause test.” The host pulled Win and Las Vegas lady forward and held one hand up over the other lady. The cheering was admirable for her but nothing compared to the pandemonium the room went through for Win.

After the show, the waitresses brought Win the tips in a large bucket. The front deskman counted out five hundred dollars in new hundred-dollar bills and grinned at her as he did so. As she was flattening out the rest of her tips, she saw AJ coming out with the rest of the group.

“Hey, there’s that Freddie girl. Lets go say hi,” Nick said making a b-line for Win. Win didn’t know if she could get away with seeing them face to face so she grabbed the rest of her money, crumpled it into her pockets and ran.

She’d run twelve blocks before she stopped to catch her breath and clutch a stitch in her side. There was no sign of the guys or any of the crew. She looked around once more before running the last two blocks and dashing inside the hotel.

In the elevator she nervously tapped her leg, waiting for the elevator to get to her floor. Finally it did and she burst out and nearly flew to her room. Once inside she ripped off the shirt, hat and glasses, stuffing them haphazardly into her bag. She used the bathroom quickly and then flung herself over Jen’s bed, landed on her own and grabbed a book. Then she realized the money stuffed in her pockets. She jumped back up, scaring her rat so that he jumped around his cage in fright, and emptied her pockets of the wads of cash. Not knowing what else to do with it, she shoved all the cash in a sock and stuck it at the bottom of her bag.

She took a moment to calm her breathing down. The first clue to not be sick would be her fast breathing from all the running she had been doing. Consoling Jack, she walked back to her bed and sat down. She picked up her book she’d dropped on the floor in her rush and kicked off her sneakers.

Sitting back she stared at the words on her marked page and didn’t see them. She felt dishonest. Why couldn’t she just tell them what she did. It’s not like they would have been ashamed of her, or been mad at her for what she was doing.

But then again, she thought, they constantly ragged on her being a singing sensation, now that she’d got a little lucky on the stage tonight, they’d think she was surefire comedian material. She’d agreed with herself a long time ago when the minister of the church tried to introduce her to a record man that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with show business. He pushed and pushed until she finally told the minister she had to leave. She stopped going to the church to sing from then on. After that happened the record man found her working at a local grocery store and said,

“Look, I know you don’t want to be a singer, but if you just want a job, a real job that will get you off the streets, let me know.” Win had taken his card and put it in her pocket. She carried it for a week before calling to find out what kind of job it was. That afternoon she met Red and Daemon and was given a nametag, keys and a title, “assistant to stage manager”. The rest was history.

Win had left behind her friends, her old life, her jobs and everything she’d known for the past seven years.

She certainly did not want to be a singer. Not that she believed she would be popular either, but she never liked a lot of people focusing on her. She didn’t trust strangers, she didn’t like not being able to look into people’s eyes and see what they wanted from her. Singing in front of large crowds, not being able to look into the eyes of the faces that watched her, was too disconcerting. She did not want AJ’s life.

A few minutes later AJ popped in the door with Jen.

“Aw Win, you should have come with us tonight, we went to this comedy club, ‘Feder-’ something or other, anyways, there was this one girl, oh my god, she was hysterical.” AJ said sitting down beside her on the bed.

“See, I told you, you can have fun without me.” Win replied putting her book back on the nightstand.

“I hate to admit it, but she really was funny. So how are you? Feeling better?” he asked pressing a hand to her forehead.

“I’m fine, and I had a headache, not a fever.” She laughed.

“Okay, okay,” he said sliding his hand down along her face and cupping her cheek.

>“But you have to come back with us tomorrow night,” he replied.

“How come?” Win asked worried.

“Oh she won the battle or something, Daemon told me this girl was hilarious, I’m taking Taylor tomorrow.” Jen replied before pulling out some pajamas.

“So, rain or shine, I’m taking you out tomorrow.” AJ finished, patting Win’s leg.

“Sorry, but I gotta do a favor for Red tomorrow night.” Win replied. In fact she did have something to do for Red tomorrow, but that was in the afternoon, she wanted to be free to go and perform again.

“Ah come on, can’t he have someone else do it?” AJ asked annoyed.

“Sorry babe, I’m it. I’m his assistant, gotta do something he asks of me.”

“All right, all right, the next free night, I get you all to myself, okay?” he asked.

“Of course darling,” Win purred, rolling her eyes at him.

“I mean it, I’m sick of sharing you.”

“Now AJ, if I can deal with sharing you with all those screaming girls, then you ought to be able to share me with my job.”

“Okay, I get it, I get it.”

“Well look, you can have her all to yourself tonight, I’ll go stay in AJ’s room.” Jen said emerging from the bathroom. AJ quickly threw her his key and she was out the door in a matter of seconds.

“Now that was sneaky.” Win said eyeing him.

“I know, I just want to sleep with you, not you know, sleep, with you in that sense. Like on the bus, I mean, you wont even kiss me yet.” He said climbing into bed with her.

“For a very good reason, you’ll soon find out.” She said as she turned on her side and laid down.

“Ooh, soon? I’ll get to kiss you soon?” he asked.

“Never you mind.”

“Okay,” he replied scooting down next to her and wrapping his one arm around her. His leg flopped up over her hip and rested there.

“I still can’t get over that.” She laughed as she snapped off the light.

“Does it bother you, I’ll move it,” he said snuggling closer to her.

“No, it’s okay, it’s just funny.” She said patting the leg over her hip.

“Just don’t move around too much.”

“Why’s that?” she asked.

“Cause it’s not that easy to not think about not sleeping, especially when you are supposed to be just sleeping with you, in this position.” Win could only laugh.

Win’s job for Red took her the greater part of the day. She wanted to be back to “Federline Follies” by seven, but that didn’t look like it was going to happen. AJ had sulked all day without Win to take his mind off his troubles. Not only had she still not answered him about going home to meet his mother, but she was out the entire day working, and he was worried about a talk he had agreed to do for a school about drug addiction.

It had been five years since AJ had mentioned his stay in rehab, since his public announcements of staying sober, of being burned at the MTV awards by that smart mouth comic. The first time he had brought it up was with Win, he’d never talked to his mother or grandfather about it, the guys, their manager, not even his later girlfriends did he tell. He never thought about it. Those were two months he did not want to rehash. Those days were off limits to the public, his friends, family, even to himself, until he met Win. She’d been through much of what he had, and she could still carry a smile on her face. She’d been through even more than he had, at least he had a family to fall back on, and enough money to be independent and quite comfortable. Win had lived in the streets for seven years. Yet she could walk and talk among people she didn’t even know two months ago and feel at home, while he, felt like strangers with the boys he’d grown up with, now the men he considered his brothers. Win walked around, studying the eyes of others, always laughing, engaging in conversations, he hid behind his glasses and under his hats, shielding his face, his expressions and his thoughts.

Anniversaries of when he finally kicked the habits of cocaine and alcohol rolled around and depressed him. He thought of those last uses with bitterness. It reminded him of all the stupid, hurtful, irresponsible, humiliating, irreversible things he’d done while stoned out of his mind or drunk to the point of falling over. He was ashamed, so ashamed of what he’d done.

How could he march out onto a stage in front of five hundred high school students, as if he were a hero because he, an over-pampered, self centered, rich, asshole, who, had been addicted to cocaine and alcohol and was rich enough to go into a fancy rehabilitation clinic and come back out “cured”? Well he wasn’t cured, and he was no hero. And there was no way in hell he was going out onto a stage to talk about the two months he’d spent fighting to keep himself away from the bottle to deaden his pain. He knew, deep down inside, that if he could get his hand on one drop, he’d go back to his old ways, and he was sure, that this time, he wouldn’t return.

Looking back on the day he had agreed to speak at the school he realized that he really didn’t make the decision. It was the day after Win told him she’d taken drugs as well. In a mad moment, where he wasn’t thinking, he’d agreed to do it, emphatically so. Now he was dead set against it. Now no one could change his mind, not even Win would be able to put him into it.

By the end of the day, AJ had gotten himself so nervous that he was sick. His stomach hurt so bad he could little think of any thing else. After the few appearances they made that morning AJ went right back to his room and stayed there. He was not going out tonight, he just felt too sick and he missed Win.

At around seven thirty Win rushed up to AJ’s room when she heard he was sick. He answered the door, barely able to walk, he saw her worried face.

“I’m okay beautiful, really, oh wait, no I’m not.” AJ said quickly putting a hand over his mouth. He tried to run to the bathroom but tripped and fell to the floor. Win rushed and helped him up to the bathroom where he got sick. He felt Win’s hand on his back as his stomach convulsed so hard it hurt.

When he finally emerged from the toilet bowl he found he also thrown up on his shirt. “God, I haven’t been this sick since the last time I was drunk, no wonder I gave it up,” he said miserably as his head swam.

“Here rinse your mouth out,” he heard as a cup of water was pushed gently into his hand. He did so, spitting the water out and flushing the toilet. He tried to stand, but he couldn’t.

“Hold on there cowboy, here, take this off.” He felt like a little kid again as Win pulled his shirt off over his head, but he was too weak to do much.

“Lets get you cleaned up.” Apparently not only had he vomited on his shirt, but his pants as well, and the floor. Win washed his face off, and used a clean cloth to press cool water on his face, wrists and the back of his neck.

“Okay boy, we’re gonna put you to bed.” She said pulling one of his arms over her shoulder, and putting another hand on his chest as she lifted him off the floor. AJ pushed up and felt her lifting him and walking towards the bed. She sat him on the edge gently and helped him change out of his clothes with vomit and into some pajama pants. She helped him tenderly lay down and went back to clean up the bathroom and grab a garbage can to place beside the bed. Win also brought a glass of water with her and a clean cloth.

Win went to the opposite side of the bed she’d placed AJ on and climbed in, sitting against the headboard. AJ climbed into her lap and laid his head on her legs, closing his eyes as she stroked his hair. “I thought you had to do something for Red.” He mumbled.

“Never you mind, you just rest, I’m here now.” She replied, her other hand finding his and gently rubbing his fingers as they clutched at her knee. She was no fool, she was not leaving him, not now. Times like these are what cement people together.

“I’m glad you’re here.” He said with closed eyes.

“Shh, just go to sleep.” He spoke no more, but every once in a while she felt his body tighten up from the nervousness that he might get sick again. She calmly stroked his hair and sang a few notes until she was sure he was asleep.