Broken HeartsIt was a fall and reasonably chilly night. The Backstreet Boys were off in the distance filming their next video. I had decided to leave the house, and Nick was coming out of the door. We both had comforters around us to keep us warm. He was wearing a white tank top and shorts and was barefoot. We both walked down the stairs together and were talking. We continued to walk towards where they were stationed and we talked along the way. But before we got there, there was a big noise and people were screaming. We both looked at each other and started to run over there. Brian was on the floor and unconscious. "Brian!" I screamed I ran over there and checked him out and started CPR. Kevin was nearby and he had this serious, worried look on his face. He looked like he might cry. I looked up and Nick was down there on the other side telling Brian to wake up, having a dead, serious, petrified look on his face with tears starting to form in his eyes, and not 10 minutes before, he was happy and laughing. “Breathe, Brian, breathe!" As I performed the CPR, my mind raced. Thoughts and feelings ran through my head as I tried to concentrate on the task at hand. I was so scared. ‘ Why am I doing this? I swore I would never try again. God.. I wish they wouldn’t look at me like that.. it’s making me more nervous than I already am. They’re depending on me to save him. Me! Of all people. ‘ “1, 2, 3, 4, 5… breathe!” As I kept on with the rhythm, I couldn’t help but think that it could all be for nothing. Just like the last time and everyone would blame me. “Help!… Somebody please help! I think Aunt Helen is having a heart attack….” Everyone started screaming… “Call 911!” I came out the house just as everyone was gathering around and someone ran passed me, into the house” “What’s the matter?” “Aunt Helen is having a heart attack, I’m calling 911”
“oh my god..” as I ran down the steps and over to the crowd of people
“Excuse me… excuse me…Everyone back off… Give me some room” I knelt down beside her and started to perform the CPR procedure that we had learned in P.E. class that past year. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Breathe..” I kept this routine up for what seemed like eternity. My hands were shaking. I was getting tired…’ Why wasn’t she responding?’
“Come on Aunt Helen…”
Everyone was getting nervous… People were starting to ask one another, “Is she doing it right? Does she know what she’s doing?” Hearing the expressions of their doubt heightened my agitation. I didn’t want to let them down, they were counting on me. I knew what I was doing, at least I thought I did. “Again. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Breathe! “ After about 10 minutes of CPR, the ambulance finally arrived. When they came over, she had no pulse. “I.. I.. lost her pulse… “ They told me to move away and they administered some medicine to her and started CPR again. This went on for 5 minutes until she finally regained her pulse. While this was taking place, the rest of the family members were frantic with fear. They finally got her loaded up on the gurney, into the ambulance, on their way to the hospital. My cousin turned to me and said “No thanks to you, my mother almost died” “I was trying to save her!” “It looked to me that you didn’t know what you were doing. Don’t even bother trying next time. Just leave” his sister countered, walking away.
A few tears escaped and rolled down my cheeks as I remembered that awful day. i‘I’m not going to let that happen again. I’m not going to lose Brian. I can’t…’ I thought to myself. I tried my hardest for a long time and finally I did get him breathing again. I could do no more for him and the ambulance was finally arriving. We got him in and loaded up. I looked around and noticed that Nick had gotten up in a grieving rage while I was doing CPR and had walked off. I told Kevin that he would be ok and he was in good hands and to go on to the hospital and I would find Nick and meet him there with the other guys.
“Are you okay?” having noticed the tears and how shaky I was “I’ll be fine…” and turned and walked to find Nick I started to look everywhere. Finally, I found him at the lake dock. He had dropped his comforter a distance back. I picked it up and brought it with me. He was standing there throwing rocks in with a great amount of force. I gently called his name but he continued on throwing rocks. I moved and gently touched his arm. " I should have been there, if I only didn't take a break."
" You know that it wasn’t your fault. It was just an accident." He was so convinced that this whole thing was his fault since he was not there for his best friend. All I could do was calm him down, comfort and listen to him. A little later, I broke in and told him that we should go to the hospital and that I had told Kevin that we would meet him there. He didn't want to go at first but I convinced him that we needed to. On the way to the car, he thanked me for being so nice and caring and helping him through this. " I will be here if you or the guys need me." He turned and half smiled at me... The car ride there was mostly spent in silence. I sat there thinking; thinking over everything that just happened. I couldn’t believe it. Who would have thought that this would have happened? I sure didn’t think that I would have to do CPR ever again. ‘Yeah, the supposed life saving procedure… Whatever… Aunt Helen ended up dying from a stroke the day after. God… What if I didn’t do it right again? Did I remember to check his pulse? Did I give Brian enough oxygen? Will Brian suffer because of me?’
When we got there, they were doing surgery on him. I stayed there with them all night. I stayed awake watching and waiting to hear about Brian. I let the boys sleep; they needed it. Brian was ok the first night. Well, the next night he took a bad turn and everyone was upset.
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