10/4/98

well, hello again kiddies. it's been a while. happy to be back at the old grindstone again, even if i don't have any new writings to put up. not because there's nothing in my head (for once), but because i'm getting lazy and farnkly, i've got my own little things going on in my head that are far more interesting than any story. um, maybe. ok, they're really boring, and i think i'm getting to the point where i just don't care anymore, about anything. her pictures came the other day, and i put one of them that was of her up by my minuteglass and buddah. the pose is one typical of her, and i was pleased to see that she hadn't changed, because you know that's something that i'm afraid of, one of these days not being able to recognise her anymore. things are different, oh yes they most certainly are. i was at the forest festival (or for our german-speaking friends, das Waldfest) all friday, becase us locals get off of school that day you know, and my legs still hate me. i spent the whole day looking at various stands selling things, and craft shows and art exhibits. the art was nice, and i was glad i was able to convince the little person i was going about with to go, because in previous years i haven't been able to. i like to lean in on the painings and look at each brushstroke, then walk slowly back so that i can see how they all pull themselves together to form a picture. it's nice. but i'm trying to get at something, and i'm not exactly sure what that something is. i know i saw him today, wearing his black coat with his dishevled hair strewn about the patio roof where he was laying. and for a moment, i was him, i felt the moisture of his breath on my face, and i smelled the leaves that crackled like old parchment. and i saw that icy sky that's been staying longer and longer. i felt the tension in him, the incredible sadness, and the need to escape, building up. he wondered if the sky would fall on him in shards of ice if he screamed. and then he was gone for a bit, jumping off the roof and hiding between the chestnut trees, because he didn't want to talk to anyone at all. i knew how he felt. so i did what he made me want to do, grabbed my camera and walked outside barefoot, though it was cold but i didn't really care, and sat under my apple tree and took some pictures of the sunset. and the leaves crackled like old parchment under my feet, which i noticed were awfully pale, though i go about barefoot, or close to it, in the summer. i've gotten paler, and there are darker circles around my eyes, and my hands are shakier (myabe for want of tea, who knows, i drink enough nowadays) but for all this mess i think i've learned how to please people again like i used to. though i think that now that's more of a bad thing than a good thing. more than ever i want to stop hiding, but these people make it impossible, and though i figure it's not their fault, i hate them for it, for not leaving me alone when all i want to do is stare at the clouds and feel the wind in the courtyard. no, that's not it, you hate yourself for putting up your defenses. and i suppose that's true. god i wish theatre season would start....

silent and watchful clockpercher

10/18/98

well. it's been a while since i've done this. don't rightly know why i'm even updating now, seeing as you people who come here. most of you anyhow, already know what's been going on with me. wait a minute. yes, i do know why i'm updating. but i'll get to that later. maybe.

anyhow, as many of you know, i'm in a play again, and the director can't make up her mind about what part she wants to give me, out of two. she should decide soon, though, because one of the parts she's considering me for is the female lead. ha. that's nice. but that was a few days ago. bah. some weird things spurred off of that, weird bad-vibed things, that i won't go into detail about, and you probably won't know unless i've told you. but those things are being resolved, which is good, and mom and i even went to see what dreams may come today. this movie was amazing. if you haven't seen it, see it. though i'll admit that some of the plot was sketchy, the photography made up for any lost parts. yeah. but it was a great movie, and if you can see, there are no words to describe what sorts of things you can perceive in it. alright. enough fawning over the movie. though i do think it was amazing, and you must see it. went for a little bike after i got home, don't rightly know why. it used to be that i'd go when i needed to get things off my mind, relax a bit. but i don't know. i guess i'm just more spontaneous these days. but the leaves are changing, and i wanted to get some pictures of them for her. turned into this whole nice little trip. it's beautiful out right now, though the sun was rather brignt and just a bit too warm for my tastes. but what with the leaves blowing about, fiery hills and wonderful crows, i think it was worth it. and i got some good pictures, too. now.

im changing. im changing and i hate it. i can hear it in my own voice, and its unsettling. i cant turn it off. it goes and goes. its swallowing me. its taking over the way i live and breathe. i cant let it take my eyes. nonono. it cant have my eyes. i wont let it. drowning drowning drowning in this mess but i cant let them have them. i cant. but i said that before about the rest of me, didnt i? i said it before. and they've already staked their claim. i cant. but i am. i cant. but i am. i always said they couldnt have me. but my anchors gone and all thats left is for them to carry me away. and they will. oh god they will. ill run. ill run, ill hide in my little broken down house and fend them off with roses. ohh. roses. but i cant fend them off anymore. oh god. please. please. please.

10.30.98

ugh, tired. david's going to sit down here and speak his mind. i don't care. why is it that you don't get any sleep at all and you're more readily able to live in the day than you are if you get say, over ten hours of sleep? bah. i was exausted after the haunted house last night, working. only had time for one cup of tea out of my usual two, and didn't read. strange thoughts floating around in there just before i go to sleep. probably the only time all day i can tell the absolute truth, in that little plave between sleep and waking. bah, i can't even type correctly today. it's getting harder to be at all, now. probably because being around people for so long gets rather draining, and with my resources gone it's harder to protect myself from melting. wish i could. everything's just wishful thinking now, though. goddamn it, i am not depressed. i'm just...i dunno. drowning in ink. rather given up trying to tread. probably because i don't have the energy to anymore, i dunno. she's been talking all through this stupid journal. even she had claim to my journal! god. i can't stand her. the other me. the one who takes control when people come 'round. the weather's nice. cold, crisp, grey. and there are roofers stomping about on the roof of our house. kind of strange to see people up there. i've got to change the direction i'm going. jeeze. i need a nap.

11.20.98

it's been a while again. a long while. i go at such long intervals with thas that i migght as well not bother to say that at all, because it's a given and anyone who's benn here before (or hasn't; you can see the dates on these things, how convenient) knows that it's a given that i haven't been at this for a while. but today i'm at the library, because i got tired of wandering around in shops without money for me to spend. i've been here since 8 this morning. it's now about 2 in the afternoon. and i've had too much coffee and subway sub. but that's all i have to complain about, and even that isn't much to complain about because it kind of adds to the essence of things; the taste of salad in my mouth and a bit jittery. okay, jittery enough that i keep hitting the wrong keys. this morning i went and wandered about the streets before anything was open. it's nice, because there are feathers covering the sidewalks and streets, do it looks as if angels with feathered wings were down there dancing and when the sun rose they dissappeared leaving behind the feathers they had shed. i got a whole pocket full of them, and that's when i started to get picky because the number of them was so great i wouldn't be able to have a place to put them all if i just picked up all of them. it was nice. the sky was grey like i like it and everything was quiet. i walked to the park, down my favourite street (the one with the old victorian-style planet coffee bean place and the house with the wrought-iron porch banister) on the way. and i sat there underneath a pavillion (the one i've done the most things under) and watched cars go by. people on the way to work. i liked being up to see it all, and then it began to rain, which made things even nicer. it's been raining all day. it smells nice. ah, but all in all it's been a spectacular day, walking in silence feeling detached from everything and by myself, though in the best way that can be. owning myself and knowing what i'm doing. i was able to live today. for the first time in a while. i used to do it so often i used it as an escape, living to get away from life. then i wasn't able to and now after that long it's like a breath of air, literally and mentally, walking in the rain with my backpack slung over my shoulder heading for the antique shop, or trying to figure out where i'm going for food. hell, if simple hings like that can delight me so much... eh, i dunno. i think i was on the verge of writing something today. me and my silent footsteps. or was it him? i don't know, but i think i'll find out as soon as the sun sets, because that's the time of day i'm really able to see things as they are and put them in perspective. but it's painful a lot. like i cried last night, trying to get to sleep. but it wasn't sadnedd, no, it was happiness because december'll be here when we get off from break and that's all the sooner i'll be able to know that she's stll there. still real. after a while, things get fuzzy. i need to know, and i need to show her. eh, well, time enough. heh, that crying deserves chronicalling... i dunno.

right now i'm watching people walk in and out of the library, which happens to be a nice place for people-watching ccombined with reading, because people don't come in frquently enough that they take all of your attention. i like it here; i spend way too much time here and i'm happy with that, me and my little corner on the floor there in the religion/sociology section. they've got extremist christian books sitting on shelves right next to people studies and things on evolution and all sorts of stuff. it makes for an interesting perspective. i think i like that, just everything being all condensed into one place, so that yu can walk a few steps and see books on cooking asian cuisine and then walk a few more steps (about two if they're big ones) and see the complete works of shakespeare. yeah, it's a small place, and yeah i've looked at most of the books before. but i really don't care because it's nice and familiar and my little poece of home in town. headquarters. i like it.

alright. i think i could ramble on forever and ever, just because i'm in that sort of mood, but my times' almost up. i only get an hour. oh well.

12.11.98

"inconsistancies are the artist's signature..."

back again. yes yes yes....cleared a few of these entries off, so as to make things a little shorter loading. i do things like that every once in a while. well, and noce again, nothing much is happening. the debate at school over how the students are kept more as prisoners than students (isn't that how it always is?) is heating up, and i'm in the group that's landed itself right in the middle of it. accusations about...yay. though i thgink it's all right and good, what we're trying to do. it's just sometimes at a little bit of my mom gets into meand i think things would be a lot better if i just stayed and didn't make waves. but someone's got to, i have to tell her. eh. everything's great. great great great. actually, it's mostly numb. i wrote today and last night for the first time in what seems like months (though you know i have no real concept of time, so that may or may not be right...) and i don't think they're very good, mostly because there just wasn't much emotion in my reserves to put into them. eh well. it's something, i guess. things'll come along shortly...i hope. that's what i've been telling myself all along, that things'll come along shortly, and they haven't until now and now only a small crumb of the way. yes. so, what was i really here to say? ("i keep fearing that there are only so many words that a person's alotted and that i'm using them all up...") eh. school was a half day today. (life focuses too much on stupid school. bah.) wanted desperately to rediscover sleep because the period i usually nap in was taken away from me today, but i didn't do it, and now i'm on espresso. first, there were a lot of flying-around words with emotions riding them in a little argument between our group and the principal. i tend to like to be peaceful and agreeable, and when people started talking all at once, 1) it made me uncomfortable; and 2) it didn't strike me as the best way to solve something nicely and peacefully. i don't much care for arguing with the principal, but some good points were made. i kind of got drawn in like some people who just happened to be driving by when they noticed that a car accident had happened and the paramedics were mopping the blood from the side of the road.... i had to escape off (and wanted to escape off) when it was time for good ol' lit club. morgan, you'll really love it. we drank espresso and read poetry today (getting annoyed at the people who insisted on reading optimistic poetry, what is that supposed to be exactly? as they cajole them... )....i was going to read some of my own, but i chickened out (and maybe with good reason, because the only copies of anything i have in written form are rough...) and read this poem by peter mcwilliams i happen to especially like called come. become a linguist with me. they liked it...though i screwed up a few times. shaky, you see. you know, i don't understand why i can get up on a stage in front of a hundred or more people and make an ass of myself without thinking twice about it, while when i have to get up in front of a small bit of people or people i know in a classroom i go nuts. my brain, doesn't feel nervous...just every other part of me. i dunno. or maybe i do. i'd have to think on it a while. but it was like that today, just as it had been at that fbla conference with the speech i had to make. i don't think i can do it without my body flipping out unless i can be someone else, i think. though...eh. i make a statement like that in my head and than a hundred other voices rise above and ask "but why can you do this then? you're not someone else there." and "but you can do this! i saw you.". eh. so is the way. nothing is certain anymore, i guess. i'll have a test of myself when i write my own auditioning monologue abd present it in...oh shoot, four days. not even started on it yet. meagunn the procrastinator, i know. maybe i'll stop this and go do something else and see if i can come up with any ideas....