Byte That, May, Guest: Messiah
Jerry Ross - Hello folks, and welcome to SWF Byte That! As we enter May, things are hotting up once again, and as Ready To Rumble approaches on the corner like a pregnant single woman to the child benefit office, we can only guess what can happen within the next couple of weeks.
[Suddenly, The Cowboy Michael Stevenson enters the room, to the shock of Ross.]
The Cowboy - Excuse me, Jezza, what do you think you're doing here? Did you not get the memo?
Jerry Ross - No.....I don't like anyone on the staff, I'm a loner. Why?
The Cowboy - Well you seem to get on alright with Michael Mole... anyway, basically, we, the Commission thought your performance on last month's Byte That was... shall we say 'sub-par'? You've been taken of the show this month because there's such an important guest... get out of here!
[Jerry Ross gets up from his seat and stares at The Cowboy with anger on his face.]
Jerry Ross - You're not gonna get away with this.
The Cowboy - Now now Jezza, it's nothing personal. No wait, it is... go join that other federation, whatever it's called.
Jerry Ross - You're lucky I've got a hankering for some stake and kidney pie right about now.....
[Ross walks past The Cowboy then disappears into the wings.]
The Cowboy - If you were a man you'd have some hankering for melons. Well, hello there and welcome to another edition of SWF Byte That! The show that bytes right into the heart of that which is going on in the SWF at this very moment in time. Today's guest is a former SWF champion no less! He is a man named...
[The Cowboy looks down at his clipboard.]
The Cowboy - Mescaline. Welcome Mescaline.
[The crowd begin to applaud nervously as Messiah walks out from backstage] Messiah - This is bullshit.....
The Cowboy - Excuse me Mescaline, please mind your language. This is a family show.
Messiah - You know who I am Stevenson.
The Cowboy - Now Mescaline, how are you today?
Messiah - I'll feel a whole lot better when I kick the shit out of your ass.
The Cowboy - I said HOW are you, not WHO are you. Maybe you should clean your ears out.
[Messiah walks up to Cowboy and goes toe to toe with him, staring into his face.]
The Cowboy - Please take a seat, Mescaline. That is your name, right?
Messiah - Get on with it YMCA throwback.
[Messiah sits down and looks at Stevenson, who avoids the gaze by checking his clipboard.]
The Cowboy - Oh, Messiah. I'm so sorry. How could I forget a name like that. So, Messiah... do you think you're Jesus or something?
Messiah - It's okay, your head probably hasn't been the same since the Saviour DDT I gave you a few days ago..... Do you think you're a Cowboy Stevenson?
The Cowboy - Well, yes, actually, I do.
Messiah - Uh-huh......someone didn't let go of his childhood......
The Cowboy - Don't you think pretending to be the second coming is a bit, well, pretentious?
Messiah - I never pretended to be Jesus, and I never claimed to be a religious figure. I use the name Messiah because when I came to the SWF, I wanted to save the fans, be a guardian to the fans, stand up for the fans from the assholes that run this fed. Just ask your friend Camsey, he'll tell you more about it....
The Cowboy - "Save the fans", eh? From what, exactly? Quality wrestling? Anyway, the my first question is... [Stevenson looks down at his clipboard for reference once again.]
The Cowboy - Messiah, The Commission have been a thorn in your side recently... oh these question contain more shit than a McDonald's cheeseburger.
[The Cowboy quickly rips out a page from the clipboard, rolls it up into a ball and throws it to the ground.]
The Cowboy - Messiah... in the past two months, you've lost to The Cowboy, to 911, to Oblivion and to Jinx... tell me, is there *anyone* who you think you can beat?
Messiah - Remind me Martin....what have you won in the SWF? The IC title wasn't it?
The Cowboy - Three times no less, and the Fudge the World title... but this show isn't about glorifying my acheivements. This show is about you...
Messiah - Well, thank you for acknowledging that. Now shut your mouth. I have won the SWF Tag Title, the FTW Title, and I am a former SWF Champ. Something that you'll never accomplish Michael, never. Now if you're telling me if I can beat anyone, well I sure as hell beat your ass at Hell Frozen Over.
The Cowboy - Could you kindly answer the question?
Messiah - I can beat anyone in this federation. Anyone.
The Cowboy - Let me rephrase..... Considering your recent string of defeats, do you still believe you deserve your place at the top of the SWF roster?
Messiah - Yes, and I'll kick the ass of anyone who wants to take it from me. Especially any of your friends in the Commission.
The Cowboy - Right, right... only you haven't have you... you've lost to both The Cowboy and 911... you're not doing a very good job of it, are you?
Messiah - Well, you're doing an exceptional job in paying off people to do your dirty work for you.
The Cowboy - Now, now.. .I've already told you... this show is about you and all your acheivements, or lack thereof. Anyway, I'll move away from what is obviously a touchy subject for you. Let's talk about Uprising... you were a member of Uprising for several months before you disbanded the one man stable only a few weeks ago. How do you feel about Uprising?
Messiah - I love UpRising, UpRising has always been my closest friends watching my back, and me watching theirs. You talk about great stables.....dWo....Xs....TCR....UpRising topped each and every one of them. We had what other stables didn't......we were friends, we cared about each other. XS didin't have that. TCR didn't have that. UpRising will always be one of my proudest moments in my career.
The Cowboy - Ever since UpRising disbanded, you've hardly won a match. Do you think that it's true that you need other people around you to help you pick up victories?
Messiah - I'd say on the contrary, I have won matches. Even when UpRising was down to 2/3 people, I was winning matches. I don't need anyone around me, but it is a help when you have certain cowards running into your match constantly and beating you up with chairs.
The Cowboy - I know the feeling. Only last week you ran in on one of my matches and cost me a certain victory...
Messiah - Awww, you're breaking my heart. What, did Maccan or Cameron not kiss it better for you afterwards?
The Cowboy - Well, a certain wife of mine helped relieve the pain of defeat... tell me, do you have a wife?
Messiah - No, I'm a singles man myself.
The Cowboy - So no girlfriend?
Messiah - Not presently, no. Too much travelling, and I have'nt really met the right woman. Unlike you, I don't pick up the first hooker I see on the street and ask them to marry me.
The Cowboy - Ah, so you're batting for the other side then? Using the out hole rather than the in-hole. That's okay. I understand... the SWF is an equal opportunities employer. Let's move on to what is obviously the highlight of your career.. you reign as SWF Champion. How do you feel about that?
Messiah - We never did find out what John Greg did when he captured your wife......hmmmm.....you might wanna ask her about that sometime......
[Stevenson form nowhere pulls out a little DiscMan, and begins to play Kid Rock's Cowboy while Messiah answers his question.]
Messiah - I feel my first reign as SWF Champ didnt' do me justice. It came at a time when I wanted to move onto Intercontinental Division, but I was lucky to have the chance to fight Merrick for it on a No Holds Barred. And I won.
The Cowboy - Oh I'm sorry, were you saying something? Do you feel, as many of us do, that your reign as SWF Champion was far too long? 10 days is a long reign for someone as obviously untalented as yourself.
Messiah - And a reign of zero days is extremely fair for a man who sucks so much as you. But no, I don't think it was too long, in fact it was too short. But I think if I won it right now, I could do myself justice.
The Cowboy - Of course you could... of course you could. Now it's time to delve deeper into Messiah the man as opposed to Messiah the "wrassler". Tell me, did you have a happy childhood?
Messiah - Yes, I had everything all the other kids had.
The Cowboy - Good. I'd hate to think you were deprived. Where did you spend your childhood?
Messiah - In Ireland. I did my time in school, got my qualifications, then picked up the career I was always interested in....wrestling.
The Cowboy - Ireland? Is that one of those third world countries?
Messiah - No, it's the fastest growing economy in the world, and unlike Texas, we don't have a madman running our country and putting people in the chair every week.
The Cowboy - Let me tell you it'd be a much better place if you did...
Messiah - I'm sure we'd all love to be Texans, but I'm afraid us Irish don't like wearing stupid little hats that much.
The Cowboy - Well, it is, after all your loss. So tell me, what does Messiah like to do when he's not having his rear end kicked by someone like Jinx?
Messiah - Why don't you ask your wife Stevenson?
The Cowboy - How would she know? This is boring... let's move back to your in-ring career. Where do you see yourself going from here? Do you think that you have any chance of maybe one day finally getting your grubby little hands on the TV Title?
Messiah - Maybe, when I'm winding up my career, but that's another 12 years from now. Right now, I'm focusing on the World Title, and trying to become a Two Time champ. But, I'm sure you wouldn't know how that would feel, woul you?
The Cowboy - Actually, like I mentioned earlier, I have in-fact won the Intercontinental Championship on three different occassions, and each time the people of Intercontinalia were very proud to have me as their representative. What are your immediate plans, then? Where do you see yourself going from here? Do you think you'll ever stop this dreadful losing streak you're on?
Messiah - Well, right now, I want to punch you right in your face.
[Messiah gets up off his seat, walks over to the Cowboy and begins to get in his face.]
The Cowboy - That's slightly aggressive. Let me remind you, that you are under contract to the SWF and under contract to complete this interview. If you were to break this contract, the SWF would have no option but to terminate the contract.
[The Cowboy motions to the chair in front of him with his hand.]
The Cowboy - Please, take a seat...
Messiah - Fine.....fine......
[Messiah Stares at Cowboy for several seconds, before sitting back down.]
The Cowboy - Now, would you like a glass of water to help you calm down?
Messiah - No, thank you.
The Cowboy - Okay then. Moving swiftly on...
The Cowboy - What's next for Messiah's wrestling career?
Messiah - Well, I plan to get you, 911, or any other of you Commission bastards in the ring, and beat you, sooner or later. And from there....who knows? I wouldn't mind getting a couple of shots nice and legal on your friend Cameron in a wrestling ring, like Alonza did.
The Cowboy - Right. You seem to be a very agressive man. Do you think you assert your masculinity in an attempt to hide your latent homosexuality?
Messiah - I'm not agressive by nature, but after what you and your friends have been doing the last few weeks, you're probably one of the few people I wouldn't want to talk to, let alone sit beside. So hurry up and get this damn interview over, so I can get the hell out of here.....
The Cowboy - Right, this brings us onto the psychological type part of Byte That! We say some words and our guest says the first thing that comes into his head and then after the show our psychoanalyists analyse his answers and conclude that he's in love with his father. So, off we go!.... Your TV Title defeat at the hands of Jinx.
Messiah - Screwed Over....
The Cowboy - Very interesting... your defeat at the hands of Oblivion?
Messiah - Understandable.
The Cowboy - Your defeat at the hands of 911?
Messiah - Payback.
The Cowboy - Your defeat at the hands of the Cowboy?
Messiah - Fluke.
The Cowboy - I think if you recall, it was not a fluke in fact... it was the way the Cowboy qualified for the main event at HFO, but nevermind...
The Cowboy - Your first and only title reign?
Messiah - Too early.
The Cowboy - Your recent terrible losing streak?
Messiah - Commission.
The Cowboy - The Commission?
Messiah - Marked men.
The Cowboy - The dead Uprising?
Messiah - Resurrection.
The Cowboy - Excuse me, you can't use the word 'Errection' before the watershed... Psycho Steve Mackenzie?
Messiah - Avenge.
The Cowboy - Michael Mole?
Messiah - Michael Stevenson.
The Cowboy - No, I said: "Michael Mole"
Messiah - Flaming Faggot.
The Cowboy - Your latent homosexuality? Oh, I'm sorry, that's all we've got time for. Please join us next time on Byte That! when we'll have a much more interesting guest.
Messiah - Can I add something?
The Cowboy - If you must.
Messiah - Interview over bastard!
[Messiah quickly jumps out of his chair, pulls Stevenson out of his own, tucks his head under his shoulder, AND NAILS THE SAVIOUR DDT ONTO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!!!]
Voice In The Shadows - SAVIOUR DDT! SAVIOUR DDT!!!
[SWF Byte That goes off the air as Messiah stands over the dazed Michael Stevenson, only to have SWF Security Guards restrain him from hurting the impromtu interviewer.]
The Cowboy Michael Stevenson - Apr | Steve MacKenzie - Jan | Reef & Thunder - Dec | Alonza - Nov
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