Wizard2/MyRealm - Enter the World of the King of NyNeXx

They've returned again. I can hear the screaming and the cries of anguish. I can see the ground bubbling over with blood. Who do I turn to? Who can I confide in? I see Christian running towards me, his hands in the air, "Daddy!" he cries in happiness. There's a shot and Brittany is there, holding the smoking gun. I scream in rage, my baby boy is gone. I destroy Brittany and I am left alone, the crying and the voices in my head. The calls of pain and torment subverting all that is good and wonderful in my head. I awake, cold sweat running down my face, my heart racing. Do I close my eyes again?

June 25, 2003

Last night was one of those few nights that I didn't have nightmares that were gruesome. It was just a simple nightmare last night. One that woke me up screaming with cold sweats. I saw Jas standing there, smiling at me. Smiling that flashy smile, so charming and cute. And then there was a bright flash of light and I was standing over a tomb-stone, crying. I don't cry much. But last night was different. I cried. Even after I woke up, I cried. Jas' name was on the tomb-stone. It reminds me of a dream a very close friend was telling me about. I didn't know what to do or to say. I don't think that it meant anything. It was just something scarey. I guess it was just a fear I have. I'd hate to loose Jas. I've lost so much in my life, I don't want to loose Jas. A very good, mutual, friend of ours did something stupid, and - to me - something selfish. It hurt another of our friends alot and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I told him, though, how I felt about the situation. I think I was too harsh. I haven't heard from him or Jas since I last sent that e-mail. But wait, that's not entirely true. Jas sent me a txt on my cell phone yesterday about noon. I didn't realize I had it. And my day was pretty shitty until I read the txt. I smiled and felt better. My boss wanted me to come in to work yesterday. I told him I'd close for him around 5. So....that really means I'd clock in at 5 pm and not clock out until close to 11 pm. I had an appointment to keep, so I kept it. I called him back after the appointment and asked him if he still needed me to come in. He told me he didn't. So, I thought that was pretty cool. I got my hair cut yesterday. <sigh> I don't know what causes my nightmares. Fear....depression.....selfishness. I don't know. I miss Jas. I wish he were here. But I understand why he can't be here right now. I love Jas alot....and I hope he comes home, safely, soon.

June 26, 2003

I still haven't heard word from him. I'm worried about him. My nightmares got worse last night and I don't know what to do about them. I can feel, now, the pain of those screams that I hear in my head. My cold sweats become colder and colder, and my head aches when I awaken in the morning. What should I do? Hope? Pray? What if God doesn't hear me.....?

June 28, 2003

I'm worried about him. No word in, going on, four days. I hope all is well. I bought him something. I hope he likes it. The nightmares continue, getting more and more graphic as the nights go on. I awaken, cold and shivering. Eye's wide with fear. What should I do?

July 1, 2003

I think my baby called me last night. I'm not sure. It was so strange. Only my Lil' Sis' and my X would call me from a "PRIVATE" number. And....my X didn't call me. My Lil' Sis' didn't either. And it wasn't telemarketer's....they show up as "Unknowns". I hope it was him. He didn't say anything to me...I'm so worried about him. I miss and love him more than I do my own life. And I mean it. I can't explain why I love him. I just do. When I think of him, everything seems just.....so perfect. I used to think that about my X. But...no. With Jas, there's something different. There's something about him. I love him for who he is and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I just wish he was home. Jas, if you're reading this, please come home.

July 2, 2003

Sadness overwhelmed me today. I didn't let anyone see it. I'm torn between.....realities. I keep hoping my phone will blow up and I'll answer it and there will be his voice. Telling me everything is alright. But then, I find this pretty girl at summer school. She's smart, she's funny. She likes me. And I don't know what to do about it. I think of all the things I've done in my life, and I wonder about everything else. I love Jas, and I hope he's ok. I want him to come home, for good. I don't mean to be so selfish...but....I just want to give him everything. I want him to know that I'm his. And...I'm affraid he won't come home. Then where will I be? What do I do? Seek guidance from an omnipotent being who probably doesn't even give a rats ass about me because of the way I am? Or....do I seek his guidance and realize that he loves me regardless?

July 3, 2003

What shall I do? I've lost almost everything. All I have is my little sister, and no one else to share my pain with. What shall I do?

July 4, 2003

I finally slept last night. After eight days of non-stop movement and action, I finally got some sleep. My body feels refreshed. Knowing my life, I'll go another eight days before I sleep. I sent a final letter to Jas. Well....it's not really a final letter. It's a letter of how I felt. Maybe things will be ok. I miss him, and I will wait for him, but I will not stop living my life. As he asked me not to stop living. So, I'll keep going and hope that I get word from him from time to time. I'll see others and do about my business as usual. Normally, I wouldn't obsess over someone for this long. But, then again, I get to thinking and I realize that I'm not obsessing. I'm loving and caring. So, we shall see how things fall. It's the Fourth of July, and here I sit, smiling over sad times. I realize they will get better. I hope they get better soon.

July 5, 2003

I woke up this morning at 5:30, screams wailing through my head. The nightmares have returned, and there's no one around that could possibly fathom how badly I feel when I have them. It hurts my head. I've come to the conclusion that I haven't a clue as to what I'm going to do about anything in life. I had wierd dreams. If that's what they could be called. A friend of mine had come over to my house, his father had come with him. He made it very clear that nothing funny was supposed to happen. I made it clear to him nothing funny would happen. I'm gay, not an asshole. Either way. The only thing I'm sure on is the Marine Corps. I know it sounds silly, but the "Don't ask, don't tell." policy was enstated for people like me. For those who have an undying lust to serve their country and do the things no one else wants to do. Well, that's me. I want to be a Hunter. And anyone who knows the military would understand what a Hunter does. Especially for the Marine Corps. After I'm through with the Marine Corps, I'll probably become a U.S. Marshal. Who knows, right?

July 7, 2003

Should I tell him? I don't know. My nightmares are getting worse. I don't know what to do about any of it. I'm scared and I won't burden my little sister anymore with my problems. It's time I was strong again. If not for myself, but for those that I must protect.

July 19, 2003

I can't take it. I don't understand. Why does my heart ache so much? Why do I feel like dying? Who is there for me to turn to? My little sister can't help me all my life. I know she wants to, and seeks to always be there for me. But....am I coward for not doing it myself? Am I coward for not standing on my own two feet? What happens next?

July 25, 2003

What's next? Life's bitter-sweet irony has bitten deeply into my heart and seemingly ripped it from my chest with little difficulty. I've sated the governements thirst for blood.....for now. And I've done things I'm sure to regret. But who is there to talk to that would understand? Who is there to talk to who will put there arms around me and still love me no matter what sort of horrible things I've done? I have no boyfriend, at least, I don't think I do. And my little sister cant help me shoulder everything. Who else is there?

July 29, 2003

The screams have returned. It seems there is no hope.