Brain Power

# There was this man with chronic severe headaches. As no doctor could cure him of the blinding headaches, he went to a super specialist, who advised our man that his brain was damaged and that it would have to be left behind for repairs. Our man cried and wept, but seeing no alternative, left his brain behind with the doctor for repairs. He was assured that the repairs would be done in a week.

Well, the doctor repaired the brain. One week passed, then another, then a month, then six months, and then a year. The doctor was frantic by now, wondering what havoc the brainless man would be creating all around him.

Then one day, the doctor ran into the man at the local market. Frantically, he begged the man to collect the brain. You know what the man said?

"Doc, I don't need it now. I have joined the civil service!"

[Source: Unknown]

The Genie

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# A state government employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."…

… POOF! He's back in his government office…

[Source: WitWorld]

Administratium

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# The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major US research university. The element, tentatively, named "ADMINISTRATIUM", appears to be very closely related to "BUREAUCRATIUM" -- a known deadly poison. "ADMINISTRATIUM" has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, upon initial inspection, it does have: - one neutron, - 125 assistant neutrons, - 75 vice neutrons and - 111 assistant vice neutrons, which together gives it an atomic mass of 312. PROPERTIES ----------- * These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called MORONS. * It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called PEONS. PROPERTIES ----------- Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately THREE YEARS, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown the atomic mass actually INCREASES after each reorganization. OCCURRENCES ----------- Research at other laboratories indicates administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[Source: WitWorld]

Lay Off

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# Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Parliament aid, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position for the job. Then Parliament said, "How does the watchman do his job without instructions?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Parliament said, "How will we know that the night watchman is doing the job correctly?" So they created a quality control department and hired two advisors. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Parliament said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper, and a payroll officer.

Then Parliament said, "Who will be accountable for all these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an administrative officer, an assistant administrative officer, and a legal secretary.

Then Parliament said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.

So they laid off the night watchman.

[Source: Neelesh Bhujle]

God Help Us

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# In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.  Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.

[Source: Jokes2Go]

Go Bananas

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# 1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb toward the banana.

2. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result--all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

3. Turn off the cold water. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."

[Source: Clean-Funnies]

Notice Board

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# PLEASE NOTICE: You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.
- The Department of Notification

Dear Dept. of Notification,
This is just a notice to let you know that I noticed your notice about the notices and I am responding to your notice to let you know that it did not go unnoticed. I hope you are glad that I notified you about those notices.
- The Receiver of Notices Notifier 

Dear Noticee,
We here at the Department of Notification were delighted to notice that you finally noticed one of our notices. In the future, please notice all future notices or we will be forced to note that you are not noticing the future notices and we will send you another notice...sometime in the near future. You have been officially notified.
- The Department of Notification (Future Home of Reports)

[Source: WitWorld]

Memorandum

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#  Interoffice Memo

From: The Director
To: All Employees
Re: Previous Memo

The attached interoffice memo was erroneously sent to you last week to be read, initialed and returned. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.

[Source: WitWorld]

Quotocracy

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# Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government. 

# Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy: Kafka 

# The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency: Eugene McCarthy 

# The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. 

# Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status: Laurence J Peter 

# Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned: Milton Friedman