Wednesday, May 8

Band Room

7:10 a.m.

Back to school. I avoid Betsy at the door and find that Ashley A. is already here, waiting for me.

"Hi," she says.

"Hi," I reply. Ashley attempts no further communication.

We arrive in the band room. Everyone is in their usual places: Alex and Charlie, Nicole, Ashley A. Mary is discussing something with the band teacher, and burst out giggling a few seconds later.

Pumathang the Goddess enters. Receives a warm welcome from her groupies. Produces a document that, by visible reactions, is funny. More Danielle the Queen of Witches humor?

7:20 a.m.

Charlie attempts to steal money from Alex so she can’t buy candy and make herself sick. After she retrieves it, he gets up to leave. Alex grabs hold of him and hangs on.

Charlie is unable to leave.

7:25 a.m.

Somebody arrives with leftover cake. A WHOLE LOT of leftover cake. All members present dig in and pig out. Crumbs litter the floor within minutes. Must remember to avoid band teachers when they see the mess.

7:35 a.m.

Bell. Time to go to class. I grab my cake.

7:36 a.m.

Oh my God! Some freak wasn’t watching where he was going. He came around the corner like nobody’s business and WHAM! Slammed headfirst into me. My cake went flying.

"Well, there went my cake," I remark sarcastically. I pick it up because somehow the band teachers will know it was me if I leave it there. I toss it in the first garbage can I see. What a waste of a perfectly good cake!

History

10:30 a.m.

After yesterday’s video, I’m not looking forward to history very much. Mr. Kluz recaps on the events of yesterday, and the topic shifts to all the different ways the Nazis killed the Jews. Kasey and I start discussing the worst way to die. Drowning is the best way to go. Burning alive has to be the worst.

10:40 a.m.

New Danielle the Queen of Witches note reaches me. Today’s topic is "Dog or Cat?" It involves Danielle trying to explain to her boyfriend that she is only ten percent female dog and ninety percent pussy…cat.

German

2:05 p.m.

Another unthinkable "treacherous teacherous" change has happened. After an entire school year, Frau Verückt has changed the "personalized mini-stories" to "personalized mini-geschictes." Geschicte is the German word for "story," and we will now have to learn the daily P.M.G. instead of the daily P.M.S. One two many rude comments, I suppose, and the usually cheerful FV snapped. Talk about P.M.S!

2:30 p.m.

FV has forgotten her new rule and is once again referring to them as P.M.S.

Home

3:45 p.m.

The tides are rising, and more of the "ocean floor" is being covered up. The two Four-Legged Servants of Satan are still outside, thank the Devil.

4:05 p.m.

Starting to storm. I like storms. I think they’re cool. Puma the Goddess used to like storms until a bolt of lightning fried her modem and she had to use her mom’s computer and phone line to update her personal homepage online.

I don’t have my own phone line. The Evil One, also known as my mother, refuses to get internet access. But my computer is so slow that it wouldn’t make much difference whether I researched online or went to the library and read a book.

5:50 p.m.

Another storm. Both of them have been pitiful excuses for storms. The lightning looks like a sparkler and the thunder sounds like a distant toilet flushing. The storm that fried Pumathang’s modem was really really loud.

6:30 p.m.

The phone lines are totally screwed up, and I can’t talk on the phone! My social life is going to be ruined because of these wimpy storms!

6:35 p.m.

The two Four-Legged Servants of Satan arrive. Sassy, my cat, makes a run for it. I don’t. I now have teeth embedded in my flesh.

Thursday, May 9

Band Room

7:20 a.m.

I am in low spirits today. Ashley J. is already in the band room by the time I arrive, and she is sitting where Alex and Charlie usually sit. I look around and spot them on the other side of the room. Fro My Bald Band Director pesters me about uniform fitting. My mind wanders back to the screwy phone lines.

7:25 a.m.

"Where’s he going, out to track someone down?" I ask as Fro exits the band room. It’s strange to see a band director walk down a hall.

7:26 a.m.

Puma the Goddess is discussing her end-of-the-school-year party. She’s also looking for someone who’s free next weekend so she can ditch her crazy mother and spend the night somewhere else.

History

10:35 a.m.

Still feeling a bit depressed. Puma arrives just as the bell rings and flashes an evil grin. It seems like she has more Danielle Humor in store for us.

"Lemme see!" Kasey says and steals the note from Mary while she "feeds the hungry Puma"/"offers tribute to the Goddess." Minutes later, all three of them are laughing. I am feeling too depressed to read the note, and shake my head when Pumathang offers it to me.

English

11:22 a.m.

Walking into the classroom. Pumathang is already here, and is talking excitedly to a group of boys. They cheer. I frown and sit down. Who cares what they’re talking about. I can’t talk to anybody because of my phone line.

11:23 a.m.

It’s finally happened!

"We can sit where we want today!" one of the boys yells.

"We can?" I ask dubiously.

"Yeah. Puma asked."

"Only today though," Carlson/Ford adds.

"But if we have to sit in our assigned seats tomorrow, we won’t be able to talk to our friends during silent reading and we’ll be forced to read!" Puma points out in one of her teacher charming voices.

"I know," C/F responds. "That’s why." They both laugh.

11:25 a.m.

After much moving around, we’ve all managed to find seats. I’m sitting RIGHT NEXT TO Pumathang the Goddess!!!

"Are you sure you don’t want to read the Danielle note?" she asks me. ME! Pumathang the Goddess REMEMBERED and went out of her way to ASK ME!!!

"Okay," I squeak. She hands it over. Maybe she just wants me to read it because it’s really funny, or maybe she likes me… as a friend, I mean. Maybe… maybe…. Probably not, but MAYBE…

Today’s note is entitled "The ‘Makeup’ of a Whore." It includes Puma’s own definition that refers specifically to Danielle, and has a picture of a girl sitting on a stool putting on dog crap lipstick, acid eyeliner, and perfume to cover up that "wet (female) dog fur smell." I can’t help myself. I burst out laughing.

Auditorium

1:00 p.m.

We have a guest speaker from the police station. He shows us a tape talking about how Crank is becoming more popular in St. Croix county. They list several of the ingredients for Crank.

When the tape is done, the police officer shows us more Crank ingredients: gasoline, Antifreeze, and drain-unclogging spray. Can they get any stupider? They practically tell us how to make the drug, then inform us that it smells like cat urine.

"What does cat urine smell like?" the girl next to me whispers. I want to say something like, "really really gross," but I realize it can be used against me and catch myself just in time.

"I don’t know," I reply.

2:00 p.m.

The next guest speaker is actually a hypnotist! He calls up some volunteers. Most of them look like they are actually hypnotized, but a few boys goof off and do strange things while he isn’t looking. They start rowing their imaginary rowboats very fast when he informs them that there is a nude colony on the other side of the lake.

Typical guys. I hope it is a nude colony of naked men.

2:05 p.m.

For THEIR sake, not for mine.

2:20 p.m.

Betsy’s down the row from me. She laughing, but she looks freaked out. I can’t believe she actually believes it! Sure, it’s convincing, but everybody knows its just tricks.

2:35 p.m.

All the volunteers have returned to their seats. They have all been given instructions while they were in a trance. The hypnotist continues to talk.

2:36 p.m.

Hypnotist takes out a fan, a trigger for one of the hypnotized volunteers. One of them runs up to the stage.

"Mr. Rogers is in the audience!" she cries. She then runs and finds someone to stand up and wave. The audience laughs hysterically.

Part 1 | Part 2
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