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My Battle With Eating Disorders

I really do not know when I ended and my eating disorder began. Over time it just sort of inserted itself in my life and made itself at home.

I thought I was fat in 3rd grade (I wasn't..I was the tallest girl in my class so of course I weighed more than all of them too). I restricted a little then (dry toast for breakfast, lettuce and mustard sandwich for lunch and whatever my mom made for dinner). I went on weight watchers when I was 11. One year later I was throwing up my meals. I don't think I got the idea from anyone. I guess I just sort of figured it out. It just all made a strange sick little way.

I remember trying to make myself throw up to get out of going to confirmation class. Then it took over. Instead of doing it just on Tuesdays, I was doing it three times a week. Then daily. I was in the 7th grade.

I was put in the hospital for trying to kill myself. While I was there the nurses discovered what I was doing and I was diagnosed with bulimia. That was the start of about 20 hospitalizations for my eating disorders.

I took my first laxative when I was 10, first diet pill when I was 12, first diuretic when I was 14, first drink of ipecac when I was 18 (threw up blood), And I had my first mild heart attack when I was 19 (took 20 Dexatrim).

I got to my lowest weight when I was 15. I was in a residential treatment center and decided to cut back a little on food. Well, a little became a lot. I lost weight but still thought I was massive. I thought being thin would make me happy. Being thin made me sick, dizzy, depressed, scared, and suicidal.

I tried to get better in the hospitals but every time I found one that was helping, the insurance (Aetna at first and then Blue Cross/Blue Shild of Wisconsin) would stop paying and I would have to leave. I thought it was because I was not sick enough so I would starve even more.

I have lost so much to this eating disorder: Health, trust, money, college, friends, respect, sanity, zest for life, hope, morals. Yet I continue to let this control me.

What have I gained from anorexia and bulimia? Fear, kidney problems, liver damage, weakened heart, medical bills that I probably will never finish paying off, depression and pain. Is it worth it? NO! Can I stop? No.

To give you an idea of what goes through my head on a daily basis, here is a journal entry I wrote when I was at one of my lowest points (lowest weight and lowest mindset):

I want a life. I want to be happy. I want to beat this monster. But I also want to disappear. It is like fighting against ten thousand giants. I just want to give up. It is scarey. I want to save the world but I can't even save myself. I feel like a massive burden and that I take up too much space. I feel that I do not deserve a fraction on an inch of the ground I stand on....that by me being here I am hindering other people from moving on and becoming what they can be.

I am sure many people can relate to this. I hope that you do not give up. Maybe we can help each other fight.

Click on these links!!!

Picture I drew recently What I feel like getting weighed
Another picture Felt like I was falling through the cracks
Click here to read my eating disorder poems
Mercy of hope and healing for girls and women with eating disorders and other life controlling issues. Awesome place!!