3rd April 2005
Call the men in white coats
No before you ask not for me and the voices in my head - for the fans!!! The voices in my head are my friends for god's sake, just cos you can't see my best mate Sid it doesn't mean he isn't real...
Anyway I digress (quickly becoming my fave word that, although I might have to check the dictionary for a new word before you all get bored of it!) where was I?? Well my week, its been a bloody nightmare fans wise, I tell ya I thought the dirty, filthy cravens in England were bad but these continentals I tell ya - they do my nut in!! I don't even know where to start it's making me irate just thinking about it!
Anyway, the week started off in Sweden and yes I know it sounds lovely, what with all the Swedish girls and geysers, but unfortunately no such luck for old Davey boy! The girls were all much more interested in Barney and Bob and the Geysers aren't really my thing... honest! Anyway Ken and Jim weren't there cos Ken was playing football, or at least trying to and Jim doesn't need to come to the studio for obvious reasons... no need to mime in there cos nobody's watching! So I only had two idiots to keep an eye on and even that proved difficult what with those goddam Swedish fans. Now in the past Westside have been known to have a whinge about how the Swedish girls treat them like sex objects and it makes them feel used, so I was on strict watch to keep any leering eyes away from the precious little innocents who's mammy's only let them out till 10pm. Now I had enough of a job on my hands stopping the girls leering at the two brunettes, thank God Ken wasn't there as stopping people from making the connection between a long hard piece of plastic, Ken and a sex object is beyond even my considerable talents. Anyway I had to chaperone the boys on a night out, otherwise their mammy's wouldn't sign their permission slips to break curfew so I ended up stood in the corner all night while Barney drank Pepsi Max and Bob chewed on his nuts... peanuts not Barney's nuts!!
So that was Sweden, and I have to admit I didn't think it could get any worse but turns out it isn't only the Nordic fans who do my nut in but also the dutchies and in fact, surprisingly enough the Germans as well... although I guess I don't really like any fans... Mandy has been known to suggest that maybe I'm in the wrong job but I like a bit of sadomasochism and nothing like self inflicted pain to build a bit of character.
I could write another paragraph whinging about fans and how annoying they all are but instead I'll try to be optimistic and talk about the highlights of Amsterdam... now I don't want to be predictable or anything but for me the best thing about our yearly trip to the 'dam, as I like to call it, has to be the coffee shops and the red light district. I know I manage to keep my fascination with coffee and red lights hidden for most of the year but as soon as the wheels on the little blue bus hit Dutch soil I just can't hold back and I'm first in the cue to get to the cobbled streets of heaven!!! In fact turns out the fans weren't quite as annoying as usual once I'd got a few 'coffees' down me and its even rumoured that I was seen to be giggling... nothing like paying a 'laydee' to put a smile on your face...
Anyway Bob, Ken and Jim were all accompanied by their women in the 'dam so it was just me and 'undecided' Barney left to our own devices... unfortunately Barney was being a boring Fuck and wanted waffles instead of 'coffee'!!!! I swear that lad needs a good kick up the arse sometimes... need to send him back to his cave and get some ape-man instinct back in his blood...
Anyway I'm writing this from some horrible pitiful little hotel room in Germany and I've had enough so that's me for the week... tune in next week kiddies for more Lasty Love!!!
