27th March 2005
Foot loose and fancy free...
A day out at the seaside, a trip to the dentist and a dear Dave letter all in the space of one week. Where to start???
Barney, Bob, Jim and Ken of course...now call me mad for hauling ass to the seaside just to see these four, but that's what a lethal combination of being pissed before dinner, internet access and Mandy being pushy will do to a girl! Besides even without the four homeboys we all know and love as 'Westside' it turned out to be quite an eventful trip. First of all there was the one way system in Croydon... now I don’t know about you but I was always under the illusion that West was to the left of South - you know never eat shredded wheat and all that from Primary School? Well try telling these south Londoners that, because obviously nobody told the bloke that did the sign posting!!
Eventually I found the other escapees and once they'd piled into the car and loaded their truly blinging matching Louis Vuitton luggage we were on our way... Now in true British style at the first sign of sun we all lost our marbles and started acting like four tarts on tour in ayia napa. Windows down, stereo pumped, driving through the depths of South London blaring out 'Westside' classic, 'Flying Without Bling' - even the street cleaners were joining in! A rare breed of men, who seemed to have missed the great British sunshine, and still had their woolly hats on. Wouldn't be seen dead in one of them...
We struggled on and eventually made it to Brighton to be greeted with the sight of its famous pier... yes one of those things that juts out into the water!! Chips, Pier, Pierre, Pub, Random famous bloke who turned out not to be famous… all boils down to sitting outside in the cold pretending it was sunny. Unfortunately the carousel was a bit of a let down, with a total lack of any Barney, Bob, Ken or Jim to ride we decided it was best to get Mandy home for her tea before she exploded with excitement!!
Having seen 'Westside' the 'Not Quite Number One's And A Few Random Upbeat Songs Tour' before I knew what I was in for when we finally made it to the arena (sorry it was Brighton I meant somebody's front room) so decided quite sensibly to hit the bar during the support acts - yes some Russian bird pretending to be affiliated with the great Nelly Furtardo and a couple of Chav's who want to be the next 5ive are not really my cup of tea. Sunk a few in the bar then sloped off to my seat on the balcony... yes don’t say it too loudly; I was lowered to the standards of first timers and granny's. Not your usual 'first ten rows' view but with my 20-20 vision I could still catch the miming and gesticulating going on between everyone's favourite Westside boys. The 'Big Entrance' finally came and with the more mature lady to my left and the teenager to my right I realised that all the drama did work on some people as they practically wet themselves at the sight of Barney, Bob, Jim and Ken within touching distance (if you have very long arms and didn’t mind falling off the balcony). I, of course, found myself doing a Romeo and Juliet with my namesake Dave. Amid the shrieks of Barney I want to have your babies, Ken you rock my boat, Jim you're all I'll ever need, and Bob suck my ****, I was found to be yelling 'Awight Dave!'... Oh dear what would the mother say!!
The show was... to be honest I can't remember, but I do remember laughing at Bob when he forgot the words. Really Bob before you go on stage do try to engage brain with mouth in future. Post show we stumbled round the back of the 'arena' (loathe to call it that) and drunkenly handed 'the' banner to some poor cow that spends her days attending to the every need of 'Westside' - I hope they pay her well! Enquired of alter ego Dave whether he was 'gutted when Charlie left?', to which he replied ... 'McBovered!' ... although that may have been the voices in my head??!!??
Crystal decided it would be a good idea to give her baps an airing on the sea front and some rather cheeky young man sped past in a big blue bus before flashing her back. But before the clock struck two and we all turned into pumpkins we were tucked up safely in bed i.e. Brighton has shite nightlife on a Monday so don't 'McBover' trying to find somewhere open!
Turns out the trip to the seaside was more fun than anticipated and so I won't have the time to tell you about the 'Dear Dave' letter (I got dumped - *ahem* wanker!) or any of the other highly amusing goings on in my world… but they can wait for another time and another diary entry. For now I leave you with the immortal words of 'Westside'...
Ooooooooooh Daveeeeeeyyyy You Came and You Gave Without Taking… But I Sent You Away
