Mood:  a-ok

I just drove by my favorite Catholic bookstore only to see that it has closed forever...wahhh!!!  When did this happen?  So many things have been changing lately.

 I went out to shop at the new Target store close to me only to find that they advertise it with a sign, but it has not been completed yet.  It's still under construction.  Gee whiz, why do they advertise it if it's not there yet???  To trick unsuspecting potential customers like me.  Ugh.

I am awaiting the completion of the Kroger store that I like to buy my groceries at.  They started remodeling it when I was still living with the Sisters...  It's been almost a half a year now.  Saw signs that they're hiring people, so it must be close to being finished.

I still can't believe that it's been almost a half a year since I lived with the nuns.  Time's flying by so quickly.  It'll officially be half a year at the end of next month.

I miss the Sisters a lot.  I have a feeling of being far from home right now.  I don't know why this feeling won't pass.

I got my oil changed in my car today.  Went straight from work, thought I wouldn't make it.  It took less time than I thought.  I walked across the street to the local dollar store and bought some glow-in-the-dark stars.  I've been using them to decorate my bedroom.  Ok, perhaps you think this might be childish, but I don't really think so.  I wake up often in the middle of the night and this gives me something to focus my attention on until I fall back asleep.  It's like sleeping under a night sky.  I even put some around my crucifix so that I can see where it is when I wake up at night.  That way I can also keep my eyes on my beloved even when it's dark. :-)  

Mood:  don't ask

Community prayer is hard without a community.  I am currently trying to have friends join me in evening prayer.  Ever try saying evening prayer out of the office book alone?  Yeah... it's better said in sides, but that could be hard to do when you're living alone.

If any of you would ever be interested in praying evening prayer out of the Office book, let me know!  I'd love to have prayer partners!

I am currently saying prayer with my friend Kelly on Skype!  It's an awesome experience.  You're welcome to join us, the more the merrier! 

Mood:  bright

Ok, so I watched the movie "The Trouble with Angels" recently and decided that I REALLY like the phrase "Scathingly Brilliant Idea".  Soooo I'm going to add it to my dictionary of phrases.

 My scathingly brilliant idea involves using Skype as a helper to evening prayer.  How so, you might ask?  Well...  I have a copy of the office book "Christian Prayer: The Liturgy of the Hours" AND a need to hear others pray evening prayer with me every now and then.  Soooo, I decided to ask a friend from out of town who I'd been calling on the telephone every now and then who also has a copy of the book to pray with me.  We both have Skype and we both have webcams and microphones on our computers.  I called her up yesterday and we both said evening prayer together!!!!  I am sooo excited about this opportunity, because I know how lonely praying by myself gets for me sometime.  I got accustomed to praying with others while I lived with the Sisters.  I miss it terribly.

This will be good for me until I can get a friend here in town to join me. 

 Any takers? 

Mood:  not sure

Why do I still feel like I belong with the Sisters?  It seems to me that all other signs are pointing elsewhere.  Why is my heart still there?

 Is my recent illness a sign that I am just not supposed to look at religious life at all?  Right now I am just going to focus on learning how to take my medication and overcome my fear of shots.  Ugh.  Hate needles...

I still think about the Sisters.  Each day they are not far from my mind.  I know that I am meant to be a part of them somehow.  I'm just not sure HOW right now.  I need to give myself some time away.  Need to become more MYSELF.

Wish me luck. 

Mood:  hug me

Had a spinal tap done this past Monday.  On Tuesday I went back to work because everything seemed fine to me.  Then I started getting these horrible headaches and my neck keeps getting stiff.  Guess I should have taken a little more time to recover...

I have to see another doctor this coming Monday for some more tests and such.  Hopefully they don't do anything this painful...  My head hurts worse when I lean over or when I'm in a car and it hits a bump.

Ugh!  I'm too young to have all of these problems. 

Mood:  d'oh

Woke up this morning at about 1:00 am because I itched all over and had a terrible headache.  All I can think is that I must be allergic to something that I'm taking to help my body recover.  I've been taking all kinds of vitamins and minerals.  I'm going to stop taking everything until this itchiness goes away and then slowly introduce one thing at a time to see if any of them is causing it. 

It could have been the steroid IV drip that I had to be on for three days to try to bring back the sight that I lost.  I'm not even sure if that really worked at all or not.  Sometimes I think I'm seeing better and then all of a sudden it's gone again.  This is a real bummer.  I haven't driven for nearly three weeks because other cars get into my blind spots and that's not good for me or the other drivers on the road. 

I have been off work going on three weeks because I can't see enough to be able to work with babies.  That and I'm not sure how I am going to get down there anyways.  I looked at the local busses and it doesn't look like they drop off anywhere near where my workplace is.  I would have to do an awful lot of walking and that isn't a very safe thing if you can't see where you are walking and there might be people out there who would take advantage of someone who can't see everything.  

Perhaps I sound paranoid, but it's hard knowing what I'm missing.  It's hard to go from being independent and doing everything myself to having to rely on others. I wish that I could just hire someone to take me to and from work everyday.  I'm not talking about a cab.  Those guys are expensive.  I had to hire one of them to take me to my first eye appointment and it was 20 dollars one way.  EEK!  I have a car that I can't drive right now.  Whoever I would hire could even use my car to drive me where I need to go.

Mood:  blue

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if-hyn63jB4

Listen to the above youtube video.  It's a Christian song by a singer named Danielle Rose that talks about being closer to God.  It's a beautiful song.

 I don't understand what is going on with my health right now, but it all must be a part of God's plans for me.  I'm trying not to let it get me too down, but being able not to see very well is going to definitely impact many things.  Right now I'm unable to drive, so I'm not as mobile as I once was.  I've been up at my parents' house for the past week going on two weeks and they have been very helpful to me.  I miss all my friends and the Sisters in Kentucky and I wish that I could be spending more time with them.

This all is very scary to me.  Lots of change all at the same time.  Hopefully whatever comes of it, I'll be the better for it. 

Mood:  don't ask

So much has been going on the past few months.  Basically I'm on my own again, but still have this deep yearning for community life.  I don't know what it means, but I'm sure that there's a place out there for me.  Now I'm just waiting on God to show me where to go from here.

This past week I've experienced a loss of sight.  The doctors are miffed at what the cause might be.  They tell me that my eyes are healthy so it must be something on the optical nerve.  It's all a bit scary for me as I'm not seeing things as I should.  Waiting to hear back from the doctor is a looooong process.

Please keep me in your prayers.

 Yesterday was the feast of the canonization of St Julie Billiart, who is my favorite saint.  She was blind for a short time in her life.  Someone told me to pray to St Lucy. 

Mood:  quizzical

I spent time reflecting with Mark 4:1-20 today and I wonder what kind of soil I am.  Sometimes I am afraid that I am the rocky ground with little soil.  The seed of God's love falls down and springs up really fast, but there are no roots.  I don't want to be this kind of ground.  I am trying so hard to establish my roots.  I don't want the Word to spring up to new life and die within me because of lack of roots.  

I want to be the fertile ground.  I want to be able to support and maintain new life.  I want the Word to take firm root deep in my soul, so that I, like Our Lady, may give a resounding YES to God throughout my lifetime.  God knows that I can't do this alone, so I must lean on Him, grasping on for dear life.  I feel so unworthy to be called by God to consider Religious Life.  Will I be able to stand on the shoulders of these AWESOME women who have come before me?  

I want my roots to entangle with theirs.  I want to grow with them and IN them so that I might be able to carry on the DREAM of the congregation.  God will be my guide, for with Him, nothing is impossible.  Not even the dream of one so unworthy.  I want to carry God's love to others...to be the fertile soil in which others will one day entangle their roots with mine and bring forth the Kingdom of Our Beloved.

God help me to firmly establish my roots in You.  Amen. 

My community put out an AWESOME video for vocations!

 https://www.youtube.com/user/SistersNotreDame

These women are so on FIRE!  Beautiful!