Mood:  happy

Well, I am going back up to Chardon at the end of this week.  I'm very excited about it.  I'm going with a few others for a formation gathering.  I'm a little nervous because our provincial will be going too.  I'm looking forward to seeing the others there and to learning some more about the charism of the community.

 I got to help plan the prayer service for Friday night, but I think I took over the planning too much.  The Sister that I was working with was nice in the fact that she let me do what I thought would be good.  I really did try to take her input, but maybe in my excitement, I may have gone a little over-board and taken over.  I need to not let that happen in the future.

Thursday is my night to cook, and I was also going to get my car repaired that day (hopefully), but I don't know how that's going to work out.  I hope that it doesn't clash too badly with community time...

 I've slowly come to realize that I need to focus more time on my community time, so when some of my committments come to an end, I don't think I'm going to try to prolong them any more.  I know that the Sisters want me to take some classes, so that might strain the community life a little with the local house, but hopefully it will be more acceptable than just me persuing my interests.

Mood:  bright

The Woman Of The Kingdom

With what shall I compare the Kingdom of God?
It is like the yeast a woman took and mixed with
three measures of flour till it was leavened all
through." (Lk.13: 20-21)

Woman, you are the grain,
the grain that falls into the ground and dies
and brings forth life in abundance.

Woman, you are the leaven
that silently loses itself into the dough
and becomes bread for the breadless

Woman, you break the bread of your life,
bless it with the tenderness of your heart
and share it even when giving means death.

Mary, help us to be women who are on fire
with the desire to be bread for others,
And ready to risk all to live Jesus and his mission
In today's world:
that all, especially the poor, may have life in abundance!

-Sister Mary Sujita Kallupurakkathu, SND

Mood:  a-ok

I went to mass tonight at the Mercy Center and they had their annual Christmas party afterwards (it was cancelled because of the weather--twice).  It was good to be out with my friend Renee.  I don't get to hang out with her very often because she's moved away and only comes back every now and then to visit her family.

I've been able to sleep a little bit better this past day.  The car is in the shop, so I'm not worried about it there.  I'm looking forward to ringing in the New Year with the Sisters.  I think that I'm going to try to let go of that car little by little for this whole year so that I'm not so attached to it when the Sisters finally ask me to give it up.

Well, I'll try to write a little about the party tomorrow afterwards.  I'm pretty sure that the Sisters where we're going aren't going to stay up to ring in the New Year because they seem to be the early to bed kinda folks.

Mood:  don't ask

I spent my Christmas with my family because my car was vandalized a couple of days before and I really didn't feel comfortable leaving it without a window for too long at the convent.  We're in the inner-city and theifs and vandals seem to abound around here.  I haven't really gotten much sleep for the past few days because of being worried about the car.

I've talked with a few of the Sisters and I really don't know what the best option for me is right now.  It would not be good for me to move to another convent because that would mean that I'm just running from this anxiety instead of facing it.  I really am not so sure how to "face" it though.  I know that it's just a car, and that's what my insurance is for...to cover any expenses of the vandalism, but I also feel that it would be better to have the car somewhere where it is less likely to be vandalized again.  The Sisters tell me that it can be vandalized anywhere that it is...

How do you face something like this?  I'd like to know because I'd like to get over it instead of being stuck in the same groove...  Any ideas?

I don't really know what to do about my nerves.  I took something to help me sleep last night, and will probably have to continue to do so for a little while.

On a lighter note, I got to see my family for Christmas (because I threw a fit and drove the car to my parents' house where I could store it for a night).  I technically was supposed to stay with the Sisters for the Holiday, but that didn't happen and they didn't do anything to stop me.  They told me that I was missed, though.  I missed  not being able to join them for their celebration, but I was so concerned about the car at the point that I guess it was impossible for me to make the choice to stay with a clear head.  I didn't have a clear head.

I don't know if I'll be moving or not.  All of that is up in the air with everything that's been going on about my car...  If I do move somewhere, I'll be living with my director, which could be a good or a bad thing as she IS my director...  But then I guess that would mean that I've ran from the problem instead of confronting it.  But how do you confront this?  Should I just purchase a state-of-the-art, and probably super expensive alarm system for the car?  That would quell my worries... But it would probably cost an arm and a leg...

I'm just afraid that the Sisters would think that I'm blowing this way out of proportion, and perhaps I am.  But I don't know where to go with it.

Mood:  d'oh

I don't know how I could possibly get so upset over a little car.  The same thing happened to the Sisters' cars at other times and they didn't seem this upset.  Maybe because they don't seem to have personal money invested in their cars?  Perhaps it's the little vow of poverty that allows them to keep their heads on straight when something like this happens.  I'm sure that they felt the same sense of loss that I felt, mainly the sense that their personal space had been violated.

Why did I freak out about this?  I guess I've never been the victim of car vandalism before.  I feel so bad that the Sisters had to witness me basically throwing a fit because I am so immature sometimes.  This is my first experience of this and I really didn't know how to react.  I just hope that the Sisters don't decide that this is the last straw and kick me out.  It would be deserved if this happened, but I hope that it won't.

Mood:  blue

I've been a postulant for a month now.  I can see changes already, though they don't seem attainable at the moment.  The Sisters want me to take some Theology courses.  I was checking some out and they start on a day that I know I can't attend...mainly because I'll be at a formation gathering...something that's mandatory.  I'm excited about the idea though because it's always interesting to learn something about the Church.  I'll just have to take it in the summer, instead of the winter.  That's not so bad.  The days are longer!  Going back to school seems a little scary though.  It's been awhile since I've been in classes...but I need to stay open to what God may be asking of me.

My car was broken into.  That's why I'm blue.  Nothing was taken, thank God, so I should be counting my blessings.  I'm just upset that someone would randomly kick my car so hard that the window broke and the car's door was dented in.  Sheesh...  It makes me kind of nervous to keep my car at where I'm living. 

Mood:  quizzical

I wonder what this new step in my life will bring.

The provincial let me borrow one of her prayer books and I found in it a reflection on the treasure in the field and how once you find it, you sell all you have to get it.  I believe that I've found that treasure in Jesus and I believe that I can live that best with the Sisters of Notre Dame.  I am finding that I'm able to detach myself from many of my belongings.  I haven't really felt this way in the past, and I'm sure that it might be hard for me to give up certain things, mainly my car...but I guess I'll cross that bridge when the time comes.  My life savings is in that car, that's why I'm still a little possessive of it...

Today I took some of the kids I work with on a field trip.  It was really fun and I'm glad that the kids got to have the experience.

So, I've got a new director now.  I hope that I will be as open with her as I was with the vocation director.  Getting used to a new person will take some time.  I invited her to a mass that I usually go to..there will be a party after.  I hope she likes the mass.

Mood:  happy

I am sooo happy and peaceful.  I will officially become a postulant on Sunday.  God is good!

I've been doing an aweful lot of reflection lately, and these thoughts are the fruits of that reflection:

I wrote a poem based on Luke 1:38... "I am the handmaid of the Lord.  May it be done to me according to your word."  Here it is!

God, I'm scared...

Why do I feel that I've got to question everything?

                     What if I can't do it?

Why do you call?  I need the strength...

                      and determination...

to be like Mary.

She didn't understand Your plans...

or Your motives.

Yet she surrendered...

her will

          her mind

                       her body

                                 her heart...

Your will be done.

                        I am the handmaid of the Lord.

Mood:  happy

I've been spending some time reflecting with this song.  It's one of my favorites. 

Hosea 

Come back to me with all your heart,
don't let fear keep us apart.
Trees do bend, tho' straight and tall;
so must we to others' call.

Long have I waited for your coming
home to me and living deeply our new life.

The wilderness will lead you
to your heart where I will speak.
Integrity and justice
with tenderness you shall know.

Long have I waited for your coming
home to me and living deeply our new life.

You shall sleep secure with peace;
faithfulness will be your joy.

Long have I waited for your coming
home to me and living deeply our new life.

Mood:  chillin'

Well, I got the application to enter the Sisters of Notre Dame (SND) and I have until the 31st of October to complete it.  I've gotten ahold of almost everything that I need so far.  They want me to fill out a living will and a durable power of attorney...the papers for that seem complicated and I'm not sure what to do with them.  Guess I have to get on it and figure it out myself.  A co-worker from work helped explain some of the things on it to me already.  She was nice to do that.

I've got the house to myself for the weekend (except for the dog and the fish).  Sometimes it's nice to have a weekend to yourself.

The fish is new.  My old one died, then I went to the store and got another one and it too died, so I took it back and got a new fish.  I want to name it Fynn.