''In The Year 2000...''
''In The Year 2000...''
- ''The Catholic Church will decide that it needs a leader one step above the Pope. His title will be Captain Popetastic.''
- ''The old adage that 'guns don't kill people, people kill people' is forever deemed invalid when a woman gives birth to a gun and it grows up and stabs her''
- ''In a legendary marketing blunder, Kellogg's will replace the two scoops of Raisin Bran with two scoops of Milton Berle.''
- ''After years of subpoenas and testimony, Kenneth Starr finally releases his report to Congress. His conclusion? Clinton gots to have da booty.''
- ''Hypochondriacs the world over will stop believing that they're sick all the time when they all die of disease.''
- ''Authorities discover a fool-proof means of identifying the clinically insane: tracking the order forms for the new George and Barbara Bush sex video.''
- ''Leonardo DiCaprio will once again have to face rumors that he's gay when he stars in the movie 'My Name is Leonardo DiCaprio and I am Gay'.''
- ''Microsoft will go out of business and Bill Gates will be bankrupt after the disastrous release of their latest product: Microsoft Kevin Costner.''
- ''The hyphen will be replaced by the dash, and the dash will be replaced by the hyphen. No one will notice.''
- ''Teenagers will really alienate themselves with their latest trend: leprosy!''
- ''New research in geometry will result in the renaming of several familiar shapes. New Year's eve in New York will be celebrated in Times Oval, and teenage boys everywhere will participate in rhombus jerks.''
- ''God will schedule a press conference to announce the firing of Jesus and the hiring of Jets coach Bill Parcell.''
- ''A desperate, sex-starved Monica Lewinsky will be seen licking rocks at the base of Mount Rushmore.''
- ''An even more shocking home videotape of Pamela and Tommy Lee comes out. This one features the two of them adding and subtracting.''
- ''The Pope will shock the world when he abruptly changes faith, declaring, 'I'm a Zeus man now'.''
- ''In a final desperate attempt to repair its image, Texaco announces its new board of directors: the cast of 'Moesha'.''
- ''Years of sophisticated testing will prove that the stain on Monica Lewinsky's dress is actually mustard. Mustard from the head of Bill Clinton's penis.''
- ''The lamb shall lie down the lion. The lion shall lie down with the lamb. And Max Weinberg will try to get in on the action.''
- ''Jerry Springer will make a desperate attempt at respectability when he cancels his show on 'big-breasted nympho cheerleaders' and replaces it with 'big-breasted nympho economists'.''
- ''New evidence of OJ's guilt emerges when records show that on the day before the crime he applied at the Los Angeles County Court for a murder license.''
- ''Magician David Copperfield will finally reveal how he does his amazing tricks: he's Jesus.''
- ''For security reasons, the government will declare it illegal to say numbers out loud. And the singing of numbers will be punishable by death.''
- ''A dolphin trainer at Sea World will shock the audience by getting down on one knee and asking his dolphin to marry him. The dolphin will say not, not because the man is human, but because he is not Jewish.''
- ''The world is rocked when Colonel Sander's secret recipe is discovered to be one part salt, one part sage, and the gayest chicken money can buy.''
- ''The American educational system will be thrown into chaos when a grown man in Illinois actually uses algebra in real life.''
- ''Kato Kaelin, John Wayne Bobbittt, and Joey Buttafuoco will launch a new theme restaurant: Planet Dumb-Ass.''
- ''Mothers will no longer call for time-outs when disciplining their children, but instead will use the more accurate phrase 'Now go sit in a corner and shut your hole while Mommy has a drink.'''
- ''Television talk shows will become so hilarious that people stop watching them for fear of literally dying of laughter. At least, that's the excuse I'm planning for piss-poor ratings.''
- ''Scientists discover the reason for the Loch Ness monster's seclusion: It doesn't like Scottish people.''
- ''To simplify police work, a new federal law will require all known sex offenders to change their name to Kennedy.''
- ''The drinking age is lowered to three, in order to, quote, 'Keep the little bastards quiet!'''
- ''The public demand that the NBA expand to a fifty-two week schedule. Not for the love of the game, but to keep Shaquile O'Neal too busy to make dumb movies.''
- ''The Postman, part II will be released. It will be an award-winning documentary about Kevin Costner's current job as a low-paid guy who sorts mail.''
- ''Because of one major rule change, Major League Baseball will become known as Major League Assball.''
- ''Calista Flockhart and former mtv VJ Jessie Camp get married and give birth to a healthy bouncing single strand of DNA.''
- ''Viagra will no longer come in blue diamonds, but in orange moons, yellow stars, and green clovers.''
- ''Crayola Crayons will be forced to change the name of its crayon 'Burnt Siena' when Dodgers catcher Carlos Siena spontaniosly bursts into flames.''
- ''The film 'The Matrix II' is released, containing the most amazing special effects to date, including an unbelievable scene where it appears Keanu Reeves can read.''
- ''The nation is stunned when president Jesse 'The Body' Ventura makes a startling revalation: America is fake.''
- ''Calista Flockhart will attempt to prove she's not anorexic by eating Kate Moss.''
- ''Shaquille O'Neal singlehandedly brings the long N.B.A. lockout to a halt with one simple declaration: 'This time off is great, I can make more movies.'''
- ''The man who caught Mark Maguire's 62nd home run ball and gave it back for free winds up his triumphant world tour as the stupedest man who ever lived.''
- ''After several cohosts of 'The View' mysteriosly dissapear, new cohosts are warned not to accept Starr Jones traditional welcoming gift: a sleeping bag made of french bread.''
- ''After a horrible accident in India, the 'Today Show' promotional stunt 'Where in the world is Matt Lauer', will be changed to 'Where in the tiger's stool is Matt Lauer.'''
- ''No longer embarrased about his religious upbringing, Dr. Pepper will begin using his own name: Dr. Sheldon Weintraub.''
- ''Due to political correctness, the country of Uruguay will be forced to change its name to 'Uriguay, but there's nothing wrong with that.'''
- ''It will be revealed that the only reason the mitten was invented was because something cute needed to rhyme with kitten.''
- ''Brooke Shields will marry yet another balding tennis player: Billie Jean King.''
- ''Singer Meatloaf will become a spokesman for a company that makes meatloaf, Vanilla Ice will become a spokesman for a company that makes vanilla ice, and MC Hammer will be arrested for stealing a bike.''
- ''In a truly historic moment, Neil Armstrong's son will land on the moon. His memorable words will be: 'This is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, and Dad, I'm gay!'''
- ''Jessie Camp will be formerly inducted into the Rock 'n Roll hall of Annoying Dumbasses.''
- ''In one of the most negative, ruthless campaigns ever, candidates will run ads accusing their opponents of coming up with the idea for Jar-Jar Binks.''
- ''To compete with chinese restaurants, Taco Bell will offer it's own version or the fortune cookie, called the 'fortune tostada.' The most common fortune found in the tostada, 'Tonight you will have crippiling diarrhea.'''
- ''Professional wrestling will become so big, even corporate america will get into the act. The Ford Motor Company will change its name to 'Jeff brain-crusher Jones.'''
- ''Magician David Blaine will perform his most death-defying feat yet, spending 10 minutes underneath Starr Jones.''
The Best Of The Best
- ''To stop all the skinny jokes, Calista Flockhart puts on 400 pounds, unfortunatly, everone else puts on 800 pounds and the ridicule begins anew.''
- ''Everyone on Earth will become flesh eating zombies. When all the dirt is gone, they will become dirt eating zombies. Hence, after that, some will reluctantly go to the olive garden.''
- ''Conan O'Brien's book about his own sexual escapades will be banned by school boards not for explicit descriptions of sex, but for inaccurate descriptions of sex.''
- ''After 23 years, Miss Piggie will finally end her relationship with Kermit the Frog after he converts to Judeism and can no longer eat pork.''
- ''Computers will become convinced that it is the year 1900. They will support President McKinley, grow handlebar mustaches, and crack the heads of the filthy Irish.''
- ''The name Kathie Lee will become the most popular name in America; when people start naming their asses.''
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