Andy:''Insurance fraud, it costs taxpayers billons of dollars a year, thats money from your pocket. Unless, you know how to play the game. I had a rolex stolen and the insurance company promptly paid me in full.(lifts up sleeve, revealing watch) Oh look, i found it, ha ha ha ha .''
Max:''Why must every relationship end in a grizzly death?''
Conan:''Hey, you shouldn't stay in school just because someone with a talk show tells you to, you should stay in school because someone with a really cool leather jacket tells you to. (puts on jacket) This baby right here, cost me 1200 dollars. Now stay in school.''
Andy:''So you're in love with a teacher, and you dont know what to do. Well, here's my advice: life's too short, go for it. Seduce him or her and have a torrid two year affair, and if things don't work out, hey, you're not going to lose your job.''
Max:''They say prostitution is a victimless crime. Then where's my wallet? (runs towards camera) Huh, you got my wallet bitch?
Conan:(typing at keyboard)''Hey, did you know that the knowledge of a dozen libraries are just seconds away, online. The internet is going to revolutionize education in this country. Why, right here, i've got a complete history of ancient rome, with names, dates, maps, and everything. It's incredible. Well i'm kidding of course, it's porn.''
Max:''You shower once a week, you never brush your teeth, and people around you say you stink. Well try telling them this: I used to drum for Bruce Springstein, so I can smell any way I want. You got a problem with that, wear a clothespin(throws clothspin at camera).''
Conan:''Crack, angeldust, pcp, blue willies, half jacksons, onion hoppers, mr. yum yum, little dilberts, marshmallow harrahs, magubagabas, half those drugs aren't even real. Kids, don't make up names for drugs that don't exist, it wastes everyones time.''
Andy:''You're trying to hail a cab, it's raining when an old woman arrives needing a cab too. She's cold and wet, when the cab arrives, it's rightfully yours, do you let her have it? Of course you do, but then you lean in and give the driver a 20 and say: 'take this old broad to Newark and ditch her', she'll never get home. Old people, ho.''
Max:''Condoms break, deal with it missy.''
Conan:''Remember, it's the middle of robbery and mugging season, so remember, target the elderly, they can chase you, but they ain't never gonna catch you.''
Max:''It's the middle of cold and flu seasons, so stay away from me you sick bastards!''
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