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A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems.
I asked how much and she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!"
I said with approval, "just add it to my tab".
Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and
it was $285.00. I looked again and remembered I had only spent $9.95
for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom
of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00". That's
outrageous!!!
I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them that the waitress said
it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty
dollars" by any POSSIBLE interpretation of the phrase.
Neiman-Marcus refused to budge.
They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the
waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe
- we absolutely will not refund your money at this point." I explained
to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas. I threatened
to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney
General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want,
we dont give a damn, and we're not refunding your money."
I waited a moment, thinking of how I could get even, or even try to get
any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00,
and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was
going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an
e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for
free.
She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this" I said, "Well you should
have thought of that before you ripped me off", and slammed down the
phone on her.
Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can
possibly think of.
(Recipe may be halved):
2 cups butter
Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together
with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate
chips, Hershey bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart
on a cookie sheet.
Have Fun!!!
"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her butt and say 'How about a little ?' She always pretends to be asleep."¸
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she
decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist
and asked for a room for the night.
Dec 3
Dec 10
Dec 11
Dec 12
Dec 13
Dec 14
Dec 15
Mabel said "What's the good news?" The doctor says "You are
in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with you."
Mabel then asked "What's the bad news?" The doctor said
"You're pregnant!" Mabel flew out of his office.
She was very upset, and ran home and called her husband at
work. When he answered, she said "You old goat-you got me
pregnant!"
After a long pause, he said "Who's calling?"
9) We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
8) The US Gov't would get subsidies from an auto maker-a first.
7) The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be
replaced by a 'GENERAL CAR FAULT' warning light.
6) Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered,
twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the
roads.
5) You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4) You could only have one person in your car at a time, unless you
bought Car95 or CarNT - but then you would need to buy more
seats.
3) Occasionally your car would die for no reason and you would have
to restart it. Strangely, you would accept this as normal.
2) Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy
a new car.
1) People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars,
forgetting that the same features had been available from other
car makers for years.
A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the
computer all night.
A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone.
A modem comes with an instruction manual.
You will have to read it to believe it...
Signed Katie
My daughter and I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in
Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such
cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". It was so
excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the
waitress said with a small frown "I'm afraid not."
"Well" I said, "would you let me buy the recipe?" With a cute smile,
she said YES".
So, here it is!!!
I paid $250.00 dollars for this... I don't want
Neiman-Marcus to ever get another penny off of this recipe...
4 cups flour
2 tsp. baking soda
2 cups granulated sugar
2 cups brown sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal
(measure oatmeal and blend in blender to a fine powder)
24 oz. chocolate chips
1 tsp. salt
1 8 oz. Hershey bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
2 tsp. vanilla
Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.
This is not a joke - this is a true story...
Ride free
citizens!!!!
"I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"Certainly madam", he replied
courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no,"
came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care
to
select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like
cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist
nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs
please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and
went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and
next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was
still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary
replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't
think I
have had better. Shame about the eggs though....they really weren't that
nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well, perhaps you could
contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always
looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the
receptionist.
"OK I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused
awhile,
then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her
journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary
had written. Here it is.........
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!
Swen went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Swen
said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over, and Swen looked at his ass and
said "No, dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind
of strange. Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body, and
Lars looked at him and said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad; roll him
over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Lars looked down at his ass
and said "No, dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said, "Well, Olaf
had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yaa, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the
three of us went to town, everyone would say "Here comes Olaf with
them two assholes!"
Well, the
father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next
day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father hear
his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy.
GoodBye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was
getting more that a little woried about the whole situation.
Two weeks
later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless
Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart
attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so
that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive!
When he got
home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day
at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day?" "YOU THINK YOU"VE HAD
A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep
this morning!"
The man then repeats that he is eighty and both girls are nineteen and
he is not married to them but having sex with the both of them. The
priest then directs the man to say the rosary and repent.
The priest
says to the man before he goes, "my son I don't recognize your voice, are
you a member of this parish ?
The old man replies, no father I'm not
even catholic I'm Jewish!
The priest then asks why tell me of your sin ?
The old man then replies "Hell I'm telling everybody" !
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal,
drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing
playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.
She
("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I
was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their
masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements.
Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to
contort
inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin
supporting
the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step
procedure.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight"syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is
alarmed.
It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights
to
escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded
my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to
conduct
their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
My wife told me
I should be flattered.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept
silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.
"What's the matter, cat
got
your tongue?"
If they had only known.
Man was
horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.
The the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years, "But I don't
need 20 years", said the monkey, "ten years is plenty," Man spoke up
and said, "May I have the other 10 years", the monkey agreed.
The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years, the lion,
too, wanted only 10 years. Again, Man spoke up. "May I have the other
10 years", Of Course" said the lion.
Then came the donkey, who was also given 20 years, like the others,
10 years was enough for him. Man again asked for the spare 10 years,
and he got them.
This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life,
10 years of
monkeying around,
10 years of lion about it,
and 10 years of making a
jackass out of himself.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice
trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it.
You aren't the
first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the
last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Howard, you are a veterinarian."
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All
of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, cause
this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are getting
on, get your asses in the god damn train cause we're leaving ".
The mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language
in this house, now I want you to go to your bedroom for two hours and
think about what you said and when you come out, you may play with your
train again, but I want you to use much nicer language"
Two hours later her son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "all
passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all your
belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we do hope
you will ride with us again soon.
For those of you just boarding, we ask
you to stow all your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please, that
there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope that you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.
For those of you who are
pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen.
He tells the northener to stay by the tree until i find some deer for you.
A couple of hours later the man heard some gun shots,so he goes back to the
tree and sees two squirrels laying on the ground.
The man asked why did you shoot them?
The northener replied,"well when they went up my pant leg and I over heard
them say lets eat one here and take the other back home thats all I could
stand."
The drunk pulled
out his right fake eye out and bit it. After more drinks the drunk said,
bet you $200 I can bite my left eye. Bartender knew it cant be fake so
he said ok.
The drunk pulls out his dentures and bites his left
eye.Bartender gets really mad. Afew more drinks the drunk sais, bet you
$400 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each
stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar.
The bartender
knew he couldnt do it so he said ok. He slid the shot glass as fast as
he could.
The drunk jumped on the stools and peed all over the bar and
the water. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy and happiness
because he won $500.
In the back he heard a man yelling.
He asked whats
wrong? the man said, that drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on you
and your bar and you would be happy about it!
After his sermon one Sunday
morning, he said to his congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so many
people tell me in confession that they have cheated. For thirty years,
people have been saying to me 'I have cheated with Anthony...I have
cheated with Mary...I have cheated with Frankie.'
I am sick and tired of hearing this word.
From now on, when you come
into my confessional, you will say 'I have fallen with Anthony, or with
Mary, or with Frankie.' No more the word CHEAT. It will be FALL."
About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger
man. No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in
the confessional.
After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions,
the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, "Mr.
Mayor, you are going to have to do something about the deplorable
condition of the streets and sidewalks in this town.
Everybody is
telling me they are falling all over the place."
The mayor immediately
understood the problem, and he leaned back in his chair and laughed.
The priest was puzzled, and said, "Mr. Mayor, you shouldn't be laughing!
Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times!"
I cannot see,
I cannot pee,
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks - my hearing stinks - no sense of smell -
I look like hell!!
My body is drooping - got trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last.
The GOLDEN YEARS can kiss my ass!!!!!
10> Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do
windows -- yet.
9> The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.
8> Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
7> Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash
bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
6> Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along
with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
5> Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
4> Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
3> Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy
china, she means dishes.
2> Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates's Diary...
1> Seventh day: rested.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and
yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again
yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked,
"Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
She steps into the elevator and before the doors shut, four beefy,
leather-clad African-American men step in. Karen (never having spent
much time with African Americans) clutches her bucket close to her
chest.
One of the men says, "Hit the floor, lady," and she does: quarters fly
everywhere. The men bust up laughing and they help Karen collect her
winnings. One of the men explains that he meant for her to select her
floor. They help her collect her quarters and the elevator arrives at
her floor. She leaves embarrassed, and the men are still laughing.
Later that evening, a dozen roses are delivered to Karen's room. There
is a one hundred dollar bill attached to each rose. The note attached
read: "Thank you for the best laugh I've had in years! Eddie Murphy."
Dec 2
5:00 p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the
first we've seen in years. The wife and I take out our hot-buttered
rum and sit by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift
down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was
beautiful.
We woke up to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the
landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub was
covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled for the first time
in years and loved it. Did both our sidewalk and our driveway.
Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up
our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver
smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled again.
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has
dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and
shrubs broke off due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our
driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did
his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought new snow
tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. Went to a
chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 x 4 in order to get
her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable
damage to the right real quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of
the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud.
More shoveleing in store for me today. That god damn snowplow
came by twice today.
2 degrees outside today. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub
on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of
the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a
kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned our house
down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree
burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows.
Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency room and was totalled.
God damn mother-fucking shit keeps on coming down. Have to put
on all the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I ever
catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew his chest
open and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and
waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street
about 100 mph and buries our driveway again. Power still off.
Toilet froze and part of our roof has started to cave in.
6 god damn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet
and fuckin' ice and God knows what other kind of fuckin' white shit
fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice
ax, but he got away. Wife left me, car wouldn't start. I think I'm
going snow-blind. I can't move my toes, haven't seen the sun in
weeks, more snow predicted. Wind chill is 22 fuckin' degrees below
0. I'm moving back to Georgia.
"Your Honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty
lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your Honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to
pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
