"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her butt and say 'How about a little ?' She always pretends to be asleep."¸
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That
must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe. - Jackie Mason
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good
thing for any man. - Socrates
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana
Turner
[the authors of the following are not known]
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as
I
think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made
a
complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of
directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."
"He's an asshole! Piss on him!"
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well fuck him and his whole board of directors," growled John.
"I did. You're back to work on Monday."
"I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.
"I know", the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago".
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee, and the other's in your oatmeal!"
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and
halfway through the canapes the young man realized he
couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A
tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family
dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man
let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out
sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more
and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother.
"Get over here before he shits
on you!"
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'
Flabergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing
how did you figure that out ?'
The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands'
One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things
became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said:
'You must be a GREAT dentist!'
The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a
great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'
The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'
