- Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
- Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
- Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
- Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist impulse to get new cat.)
- Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
- Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. Attend to gash on right hand.
- If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
- Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!
- This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
- Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
- Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
- Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
- Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)
- Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
- Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges -- like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
- Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
- Don't bother looking for pill. Carry cat in towel to trunk of car and insert..
- Drive cat to vet and yourself to emergency trauma center.
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