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Top Ten Signs You Have March Madness
10. The seven dead basketball players lying in your basement.
9. Named daughters Iona, Auburn, and Gonzaga.
8. You run a bracket pool and put your wife up as the prize.
7. Spending roughly three hours a day trying to figure out how the "whasssup guys" would say "O.T. baby!"
6. You've already called in sick for 10 different days, in advance.
5. Recently enrolled at Duke in order to increase chances of having an alma mater in the Final 4.
4. Bobby Knight has replaced your favorite supermodel in your sexual fantasies.
3. Lectured coworkers for 3 hours on the differences between Stanford and Samford.
2. Paint your body with 64 different college mascots and draw a big red "X" over each team as they get eliminated.
1. Once again find yourself naked at a bus station with your favorite team's name written on your stomach.
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witness a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house. "Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him. "Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby look!" said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died..."
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." The man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "the balcony."
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY:
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4". "What do you think?" one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Planelanding and screeching to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the *shortest* runway I ever landed on."
The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so *wide*."
What's the quietest place in the world?
... The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
Following the trend of mergers within the automobile industry, rumor has it that Ford has sold the rights to the nameplate, Comet, to Volvo. The compact car has been tentatively named, Vomit.
A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish Sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy says, "Well yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I were Italian??? Or, if I had asked for German sausage would you ask me if I were German??? Or, if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I were Mexican?"
The clerk says, "Well, No." The guy says, "Well, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"
The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Q. How are men and parking spaces alike?
A. The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.
Q. What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
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HELPFUL TIP OF THE DAY:
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said
solemnly, 'Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?' 'I think so,' the man replied. 'My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.'
'I don't mean that,' the priest responded. 'I mean, are you prepared spiritually?' 'Oh, sure,' came the reply. 'I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.'
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