Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair
of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said,
"you wouldn't expect to find the finest perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
Q. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A. Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy
suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front
of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled,
"Just what the hell are you doing?" "Well," said the guy,
"I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so
I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy
replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
You do know what would have happened if it had
been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting
around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps
table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers
agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the
dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets, a car
was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the
lawyer was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort,
he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. 01-AUG-99
--I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out, and a car rusts and...
--Follow your dream -- unless it's the one in which you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
--It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
--Into every life some rain must fall -- usually when your car windows are down.
A blonde guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss ... how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos."
He says, "All right then, give me two black and three with cream and sugar."
What's the quietest place in the world?
The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
"So," said the doctor. "Tell me, what exactly happened?" "Well, I was playing golf with my wife. I'd been having a great game but unfortunately she wasn't. On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot, 270 yards straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out of bounds. We both went looking for the ball and just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cow's behind, just under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure and then called to my wife saying 'Here, honey, this looks like yours'. That's the last thing I remember."
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow- up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot, I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a
new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin
up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts,and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that shit?"
Return to the HUMOR SCOPE
What do a nyphomaniac, a prostitute, and a blonde say after sex?
The nyphomaniac says, "Done already?"
The prostitute says, "Are you done yet?"
Then the blonde says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden is just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I...uhhh." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings one of his buddies with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"?
What'd the really stupid guy name his pet zebra?
"Spot."
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world?
He drowned.
Do you know how you can tell the really stupid guy at the airport?
He's the one throwing bread to the planes.
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
RETURN TO THE HUMOR SCOPE
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drinking it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pull off the tab
and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him
and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does,
you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the
dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't
watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the
American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so
with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
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