A page to explain the whole frog 'thing' and my plans for world domination.
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Well, I don't really know. It may well have begun with The Divine Comedy's song, 'Frog Princess', which was my favourite song back in 1996. I think what happened is that my friend Claire, who used to pass the time on the way to school by making me crazy, goaded me into imagining what my manifesto would be if I really was some kind of monarch of the amphibians. Out of the far reaches of my brain came the concept of an army of vicious small green frogs (SGFs) who are intensely loyal to me, their Queen. It later emerged that I look human because I was bionically constructed by the frogs. It is a little simplistic to say that the frog part of me is sitting in my head pulling levers, but hey, it's a cute image so we'll leave it.
But the real question is - what am I going to do with an army of SGFs? Read on...
The Plan
I shouldn't really be revealing this, you know...but since you ask: the plan is gradually, almost imperceptibly, to rid the planet of its plague of humanity, leaving just us amphibians to enjoy the waters and lands of the world.
How is this to be achieved? Well, death awaits you all with the nasty, sharp, pointy teeth of a frog. The frogs generally keep their razor-sharp incisors well hidden, so that they appear to be gummy and harmless, but when provoked - or ordered by their Queen - they unsheathe them in a brutal attack. Their preferred method of execution is a tumult of bites to the face, resulting in the human's death from exsanguination and the subsequent unidentifiability of the corpse.
In this way the frogs will slowly reduce the human population, all the while spreading confusing propaganda about alien abduction and genetically-engineered foodstuffs. A few favoured humans will be spared and kept in biostasis until such time as we figure out how to reincorporate them into superior frog bodies. Then all will hop free, free of the primate scum! Mwahahaha!
This bio-genetically engineered stealth frog has eyes in the back of his head. Well, sort of...
Do not be fooled by this smiling frog's smile. It bears you no goodwill.
Remember: the frogs are masters of disguise.
There is nowhere you are safe.
A giant tree frog. Big Brother is watching you. From out of a tree.
Need I say more?
The frogs are well trained in the art of subtle attack.
A frog small enough to crawl in your ear? Just think of the damage that could do...
Even *I* find this frog unpleasant...
Yeah, you should be scared, mister!
This Pacman frog eats more than just dots and cherries. Oh yes he does.
Q. What does QOF stand for?
A. Queen of Frogs. Duh.
Q. Does this have anything to do with frogs as in the French?
A. What a typically stupid human question. But if you still need it spelling out, I am Queen of the Frogs, the little green hoppy things, not Queen of France. France has had no queen since Marie Antoinette anyway. Coincidentally though, one of the frogs' more arcane methods of slaughter is to stuff their victims full of sweetened oven-baked wheat products until they explode. They refer to this as "letting them eat cake". So you never know...
Q. What sound do frogs make?
A. There is a common misconception that frogs go "ribbit ribbit". In fact only one frog makes this sound - the Pacific Treefrog. This is he:
This little frog happens to be the dominant species in the area humans call 'Hollywood', so "ribbit ribbit" is what makes it onto films and television. In fact, frogs make a variety of noises from a squeak to a bark. However, all species make exactly the same noise when on the attack, which is something like: GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGHGHGHGH!
Q. So when you've, like, taken over the world, what are you going to do with it?
A. Well, if you had been paying attention earlier, you'd already know that I plan to hop free, free of the primate scum! However, I have been working on a plan to divvy up the planet between the creatures with whom I must share it. I'll make it quite clear that they are just renting space on my land though...
I am also going to drain the nasty salty seas and kill off all those horrible big fish-like things (begins with 'w', rhymes with 'sales'...you know that of which I speak). We will then refill them with lovely lovely pond water and plant reeds around the edges and lilypads in the middle.
Q. What's all this about the yawning?
A. Well, you know how your mother always told you to cover your mouth when you yawn? She was right. One of the ways the SGFs like to destroy their victims is by leaping into an open human mouth, swimming down and eating them from the inside out. Even those select few who are supposed to be safe from frog attack still need to be on their guard, as many of these 'mouth-leaper' agents have gone into deep cover and are uncontactable even by myself (these are the so-called 'rogue hoperatives' of which you may have heard).
Q. Is there any way I can send in feedback about the frogs? I think you might be interested to hear my opinion.
A. Why of course. I am always fascinated to know what my victims, I mean visitors think. Please use the form below to enter your feedback:
