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"No place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes."

Overview

I started this stuff because I needed something to do. Idle hands! I have a lot of stresses that I'm getting rid of, lots of negative thoughts and attitudes. I just lost all of my closest friends and I don't know where else to turn. A lot of the things I say in this site don't really mean what you might think. I don't really hate people as much as I say I do. Though I do have some serious trust issues and will for a long time. You can't blame me..

2004

August : 27th :
September : 1st : : 8th : : 18th : : 25th : : 26th :
October : 5th : : 9th : : 11th : : 16th : : 17th : : 24th : : 25th : : 26th : : 31st :
November : 3rd : : 5th : : 7th : : 10th : : 12th : : 19th :
December : 15th :

2005

May : 3rd :
June : 25th :
November : 2nd : : 15th :

2006

April : 24th :
: 25th :

My last day of my first week or work! Training is awesome. I love the people and the atmosphere is amazing. Hot chocolate in the morning, Dew later to wake me up. Yum. Jana brought doughnuts for everyone and apples and bananas. What a goose. I learned how to do a lot of things, but now that I think about it, I can't remember a single one of them. I know we did two assessments, though. That was crazy!

My two new friends are Joey and Mark. They make me laugh. Dannea had even said on the way home that I have some cute guys in my class. Even mentioned Mark specifically, having seen me talking to him - I guess. *dances* Its fun stuff! So I claim the best, of course. Heh, just kidding.

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Well, to start off, I think I fixed those stupid "stock overflow" errors thanks to some help from Nathan at work! He's awesome, even though he teases me much-too-much. I even got the picture on the first page to show. Fun fun! Time to partay! Okay, not really..

I'm anxious for this weekend, it should be a blast. Three days off, what more could you want? Lagoon, anyone? Today I found out what will be going on the next week (at least) for training at work. They keep changing things on us, but I think that makes it even more fun sometimes. Sunday was the birthday party for Taylor and Braxton. I can't believe they are 8 now! We found out a new little surprise.. Sharla's expecting again. We'll be having a new baby boy (hopefully) in the family. Bryce is going to sell me his car for super cheap until I can get something better, to last me... AND he claims he will buy the furniture for me and Brett in 6 months. We're going to hold him to that!

Its interesting to see who comes to see this site.. and how many times. There's one person in particular who surprised me. I don't know what I should think about it, so I try not to. But.. thanks. I'm trying to tell myself there are people out there who care. I do, and I can't believe I am the ONLY ONE! That would be too sad. Let's see.. what else is going on.. I think I may start leaving little questions in my away message while I'm at work and doing little prizes for anyone who can answer them or whatever. That could be fun! Gads, I can't believe its already Wednesday. Where is the time flying?

Umm. . . I'm bored and really tired, but.. yes. I'm going to work on the site a bit more and then maybe head to bed. I do care about you guys, even if I say I don't and never talk. I guess I just don't know what to say to make things better. I'm at a complete loss.

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Wednesday, September 8th, 2004

I just have this rant to get out. You know what I hate?! Dumb little girls who take your profile quotes and put it in their sub-profile AND their personal profile with your exact font.. After you talk to her boyfriend, saying that it totally wasn't cool (having left her messages as well) to jack someone else's quotes without giving the credit to the person. He asked me what the quote was from then, I told him. So he turns around and copy/pastes to her what I said, so then she puts THAT, word for word, in her profile as well! WTF! Its MY quote, and the font that -I- used for it! How stupid are you two!? Get it out of your profiles and/or give credit where its due. You've never read that book, you don't know what its talking about. Shove off.

I've disowned my younger brother today and will not speak to that person who calls herself my mother. I hate you people. Don't mess with me.

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Well, being that I can't stand my family, I immediately moved out following that last entry. A deposit was put on the apartment the very next day. I haven't had the Internet until just this last Thursday, so haven't been able to update, but here it is! Brett and I moved in together, actually. We're really close to work! Its great, I just wish I had the rest of my stuff here and a working phone service. Everything else is taken care of. I just broke up with my "boyfriend" too. How cool is that?! Yeah, whatever. All I ask is for someone to genuinely care about me. Why do people need to lie and pretend and be fake about things? I guess its done though. You find the ONE for you and they just can't take it, so its over. Go figure. Old friends can't even talk to you.. your apartment doesn't have any desks/tables or chairs (that makes doing things on the computer extremely uncomfortable), and you're alone the entire day through.. I'll get used to it eventually. People just don't understand that you won't be tempted if you don't put yourself in the situations/positions that this could happen. DUH! Whatever. I guess they don't know how to be strong/loyal.

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I lack the courage of my convictions.

Here I am, talking about honesty. My last entry, well.. it may not be honest to what some think. It means two completely different things all tangled up together and only one person will know the full truth as to what it means. I don't care to explain my journal entries to anyone and there is only one person who has ever really been completely honest with me, maybe two. I have explained it. Nothing further needs to be said. My honesty page is all honesty. This page is the place where my emotions can come out and get to me and I'm just.. me. I do make things seem a little cryptic, but that's because its my personal journal and it IS online. About "The One". I love him. He means everything to me and I really screwed things up. I'm not sure of what to do or where to go from here. I have no interest in trying anything with anyone else because I -have- found the one for me and I don't feel like even pretending to be interested in another person. For one thing, its not fair to them. Another, its not fair to me. I have this pit in my stomach when I think of things. I don't know where I stand. I really just don't know what to do. Will he talk to me? Will he be there? Do I matter? I love. I love him so much. I will let things be the way he needs them. I want him to be happy and if I'm not part of that equation, then that will have to be something to deal with on my own. I can't say that him being happy will make me happy because that's not really being honest. I'll be content that he's happy, but if he's with someone else or if even if he's just not with me, I'm not really going to be "happy" about it. But that's okay. You can't always get what you want, right? I wish I could tell him how much I care. I wish I could tell him how much I love. I wish I could tell him a million things. He's the one I want to run home to, to tell my stories to, to share hot cocoa with, to share the moon and the stars, the changing colors of the trees, the crisp mountain air, the s'mores, the roasted starbursts, the .. yeah, the roasted starbursts. I need to find that one special thing. That's just me and him.. and hold that close to me forever. Even if he never knows what it is. (Though I would probably tell him if he wanted, because I could never keep anything from him.) One thing about him.. he makes me smile even when I'm in my darkest. He doesn't even have to be around or talking to me, and I smile. How great is that?! I want to give the world to him. I want to see the world with him. I would totally have his babies, even though that's YEARS down the road! I'm ready to be dedicated. I'm ready to try, to work, to be patient, understanding, to love. I'M READY, WORLD!! YOU HEAR ME!? I AM READY! If I never get the chance, I will still be proud of myself and content that I found the path to finding myself. My eyes are open.

A lot of this may seem cheesy, but I really want to be the best person that I can be. I am the perfect girl for him. Cocky, you say? "...not cocky, confident" (from one of my favorite movies). Many, many things have happened these last two weeks to make me realize how much he means to me. I found myself taking this dumb little quiz at work: "Are you destined to fly solo". It was pretty amusing. I come home from work and I sit and stare, filled with stories, concerns, victories, frustrations. I'm afraid that if he were to talk to me, it would all spill over and I would babble and not make one word of sense if I started. Every day there is someone who tells me I have made their day, or that I was the only one that was able to figure it out, or that I am the greatest! This puts a smile on my lips, but not in my heart. Why can't I do these things for him? Can I make him feel this way? What can I do better? What can I do for him? Do I have the liberty to try? I'm not really the hat-wearing kind of girl, but I have this hat.. that I'm strangely attached to. I wore it to work one day, with tears in my eyes.. wait that was from the cold wind blowing in my face at 30 mph.. anyway, I love that hat. I want to give him things. I want to take him somewhere special, I want to show him things, I want to lay my hand in his, I want to -be- his. What can I give him? What can I do for him?

I think that is the question.. "what can I do for him?" and where will that take him? Not me, him. If I could do anything for him, that would make his life better, I would die a happy girl. I may not be "the one" for him, but I will always hold him close to my heart and will try to do what I can to prove myself. To him, to myself, to the world. I am meant for you. I love you.

(My longest, most rambling journal, but with the greater part of my heart spilled into it with the best intentions in mind.)

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Something that's kind of amusing is to make a journal entry about someone.. then tell that someone that its not about them, that its about someone else. So the person freaks out and makes all of these assumptions and you let them. Is there a point to be made? I don't know. Maybe a taste of their own medicine, maybe to see how they really feel about you, maybe to make a point. It could be any of these reasons, or none. That is for me to know. Maybe I'm not even sure. I need to be alone. Leave me alone.

Apartment news! Dad brought some of our stuff Saturday night/Sunday morning. It was REALLY late. It was kind of funny, because we didn't really get the stuff we -really- need, but he did bring a lot of things we didn't want. They'd been set aside to get rid of later, when we had the chance to get back up to the house to deal with things there. So, kind of funny. Anyway, I have a few decorative things to put up now, if we're allowed to hang things on the wall, I need to find out. I also have some of my more treasured possessions and BOOKS! Yay! I have my books! And my docs that I bought off of eBay, so cute.

With some help from Joey, I was able to do something last night that I haven't been able to do in a long time and I'm feeling extremely better about things. I was able to sleep for once, a full night's rest, in my room.. instead of on the floor in front of the computer, off and on, half-sleeping. I hope things will turn out. I hope I can make the best of it and pray that things will work out. Joey is really an awesome person. Thanks!

I got my hair cut the other day (thanks Jason). I want to step out on my own even more. I'm getting a new look, new clothes, a cell (OMG), and hopefully a new look on certain things. I'm going to try to get Melissa out here for a visit and she can help me! Kara, wearing make-up? Whoa. Yeah, its going to be fun. I'll be a newer, better Kara. Dressing nicer, not just T-shirts and raggedy jeans all the time. Eating better, hah! I have already started getting exercise, that's fun. I just wish the pool was still open! I am paying more attention to the news, and reading things other than just fantasy/game related. I'm learning about how to be a better person through my job. I can listen, empathize, understand a person's needs and be able to not only give the answers, but to show them how they can find them again or more answers. This may not really have to do with anything, but I am learning about how people think and that everyone is different in their coping abilities. Some can accept the fact that they aren't getting the answer they may WANT, and deal with what they -can- do, and others just refuse to accept any part of it and argue, to no point, for what they want and can't have/get. I'm sorry, I can't enter your credit card information for you, that's just all wrong and WHY would you give me that information anyway! Heh, don't come back asking ME where these new/other charges are coming from. Just kidding. I'm kind of twisting things here, I know that. I guess the point is that I'm learning how to deal with myself better and other things, by learning that people have their own ways of dealing with things. I do think people should try to be a little more open-minded though.. and not so quick to jump to conclusions or assume things. Denial is huge, too.

I'm expanding my life, teaching myself new things. I am learning more about HTML, from what I can research and teach myself. Hopefully you will be able to start seeing this in effect with these pages. I am planning on going to school once I'm more settled into life in the apartment and with work, bills, etc. I really, really want to go. I also was thinking I really wanted a kitten, but I've kind of wanted a ferret for a long time and Josh just got two! I'm so jealous. They also remind me Max and Jessica's ferrets.. I really want one! Maybe a kitten and a ferret, they will be playmates! That works, right? Some day, I want to have a puppy. I forget what kind that is, but its planning for something that may not happen and I have said I wouldn't do that.

I'm really grateful to my friends lately. The ones that I wasn't always the best that I could be to. Josh, Brian, David.. The ones who stuck it out. It really means a lot. You've helped me tons in my move and figuring things out, and keeping my sanity in check. Josh always has something new and sarcastic to say. Brian is always caring and understanding. David just makes me laugh all the time with his ideas and pictures. They don't pressure me, they don't pretend to care. I can see that they do, just because they do talk to me. I can be a very open person, but sometimes it takes a nudge. I feel comfortable now. I'm not a psycho person out to destroy anyone or blow my friends up. Sometimes I don't know who my friends really are. I just need you to let me know.

Well, I'm suffering from a slight headache. I haven't eaten anything today and my sleeping schedule is being toyed with as I'm preparing to start my new shift at work. I'm running out of things to say and I think I lost the point of this journal entry somewhere. I think I'm going to make plans to go horseback riding.. You can never have too many friends.

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A couple of days ago, I was asked "why are you still here?". I put a lot of thought into that question because someone dear to me asked. Do they not believe I care? Do they not understand? Maybe it doesn't make a difference, but it got me really thinking about friendships. Relationships between people.. they are fascinating to me. FRIENDS! What are they? What do they mean to us? What are the different levels of friendship? Does "love" fit in there somewhere? I want to explore the idea and would like help from the people around me, whether you are friend or foe. You can email me or AIM me. Feel free to leave quotes, personal stories, answers to the questions on the "Friends" page, or just general thoughts and ideas. I've given myself an assignment. I'm going to gather this input from people and write a paper. Yes, definitely ambitious.. but I'm finding myself with nothing to do at points and having an overly creative mind, not being able to sleep at times.

I may put this up on MySpace as well. Check out my Blogs.

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I got Vitamin E in my eye..

Oh, yeah! I have three responses, need two more to post.

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Joely's birthday today! WHOO! He's 26, wow. Well, guess what, everyone?! We've reached 5 response for the "Friends" page! I hope that encourages more of you to write, yourselves. I'm hoping you will be able to get some ideas on what's been written, etc. Please please please leave more responses. -If- you do as Jaysen did, please have them forward their responses to me, as well. Kasynia@hotmail.com. HUGE thanks to those who have helped me out with this. I'm tired.. Goodnight!

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Okies, so.. I sent out my own little email to people because I know no one checks these pages! Soo.. I was just really surprised at all the responses I got for the Friends page. Its really getting full! Kind of fun. I haven't really been reading the responses, I probably won't for a while so I'm not thinking on them too much. Its kind of interesting to see who responded first to what, etc. as well.

Work is moving along! I'm having fun and just love everything about my job, really! I have an awesome new supe and make lots of people happy every day. I've been trying to keep myself busy, too. I started playing Lunar: Silver Star Story again. Jaysen likes to watch, or so he says. I don't do much else. Kind of avoiding life for a while, concentrating on work and alone time. Brett seems lots happier too! He got a new shift. Doing 4 10s instead of 5 8s. Lucky bastard.

The cats are starting to drive me a little crazy, though. Making sure they have food, clean litter, hair all over the brand new couch, scratching things, etc. I still have to fork over $400 to even have them here, plus an additional $25 a month. JOY! Though sometimes they can have their cute moments..

There are times I still miss living in California. We went to Panda Express for lunch today and it made me think of Mike and other things. I REALLY miss Cali. I miss having the freedom and friends there that I don't have here. Everything closes so early, too! Drives me bonkers. I just sat there thinking about things, it seems everyone else from my training class is kind of moving on. They are always together, they have their own little inside jokes now, they sit in a bunch at work, and they get to talk constantly and take "extended" breaks and whatnot. I'm constantly taking chats, typing, and am pretty much by myself in my little corner. David doesn't talk much and he's the closest person. We have two whole pods to ourselves. They sit 5 people each. So yeah. Kind of feeling left out, but whatever. I know I'm probably closer to making meets than they are. They just do emails and can get away with dumb stuff. Yup!

Yeah, being alone is best. I'm avoiding certain people, too. I'm just not going to bother with it anymore. Oh well. Bed time.

2:08 p.m.

I just want to be totally alone today. Check out my Moods page if you are bored.

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Hah hah! WTB Sleep PST.

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What's the point anymore? I don't feel like putting effort into any kind of relationship where its treated as nothing. "Casual"? I'm sorry, that doesn't work. No more mind games, please. No more saying one thing then saying another. I'm done. I'm tired of it. Please, just no more. No more emotions.

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1:41 a.m.

I'm not going to ask you to stay. I'm not going to tell you to go. That decision is for you to make. Actions speak louder than words. I'm not going to lean into you only to feel your arms stay at your sides. I'm not going to do things for you just so you can ignore the efforts. I'm not going to keep trying. I'm not going read into things. Nothing. I'm not going to be me. I'm not going to care any longer.

It is a blessing and it is a curse.

I care more than most people usually do. That's a blessing because I can make friends easily, people will like me at the start. They see that I care and they are drawn to the fact that someone GENUINELY cares about them. But my caring goes too deep. I'm read as being too bothersome, I read into things too much, that I'm too much. I CARE TOO DAMN MUCH! This is the curse.

I worry about you. I wonder where you are, what you're up to, how you are doing. I think about you, when I think about you, I want to talk to you. When I can't talk to you, I think maybe something's wrong. I think maybe something has happened. I worry. Then I'm told I can't do that. I get blown apart for it. I'm told I exaggerate. I'm told I get too deep into things. What am I to do? I'm not going to fight with you. The pain from letting go would be easier than the pain caused by fighting.

I can't help that I care so deeply. I can't keep myself from thinking the worst when I'm not able to get through to someone. I'm not able to be partial about someone who means a great deal to me. I act the part of a REAL caring person.

I try. I try too much. I try too hard. That's where I mess up. I care too much. That is where I mess up. If I'm to be "chill" about you, I can't really be -there- for you. That's not being part of your life and letting you be part of mine. That's being those friends that just don't give a shit when you're not around, when you don't get to talk about things, when you miss out on something. I had a dream the other night. I wanted to tell you about it. Where were you? You wanted to tell me something, here I am, there I was. That doesn't seem fair to me, that makes me hurt. I'm sorry that makes me hurt.

I'm sorry if that bothers you that I'm hurt. I'm sorry that I get frustrated when I'm hurt about something. I'm sorry that I want to talk about it. I'm sorry that I'm reading too deeply into things. I'm sorry that I CARE SO DAMN MUCH! What can I do to STOP caring so damn much!? I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to not care so much because I TRY so hard to not care that it explodes out of me when something little happens. I'M SORRY! What can I do? I can't pretend anymore, I can't belittle my own feelings. I can't. I'm sorry. I'll disappear for you. You'll forget.. You can be happy.. I'm sorry..

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Yes, actions speak louder than words.

When you don't call, you don't stay, you don't hold my hand, kiss my cheek, smile at me, talk to me, hug me.. I don't believe you really care. You can say you do ALL you want, but when you aren't there, when you don't show it, I can't believe it.

Where are you? What do you want? I don't have a purpose. No worth, no value, nothing.

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Its snowing today! Its quite beautiful. I dressed up for Halloween at work the other day, it was pretty silly. We had kids coming through to Trick-or-Treat and other fun. We decorated our areas and everything, crazy. We then had cake for Brett's birthday that night. It was pretty awesome. Jason, Greg, Joey, Jaysen, Eric, Matt, and Matt's lady friend Sarah were there. I was super duper tired, though and not really sure Brett appreciates what I do for him, I don't know why I try.

I'm working on doing a "Pictures" page. It should be up at some point, though I'm thinking I should read or spend more alone time rather than sit on the computer day in and day out. I miss curling up in bed with a good book. Jaron's called the last two mornings, that's pretty weird to me as he hasn't really been making any other effort to talk to me. I think people just suck in general. I'm tired of it. Really, being alone is the key.

I guess I'm not getting any more "friends" responses and no one's really been talking to me anyway, except for Paul who is actually the one requesting the Pictures page, so I'm just going to write up my little paper and send it off to Jaron and screw everything else. I want a baby kitty.. I want my room to be all finished. I want that damn guy to leave me my FEEDBACK! Its been over two months and I left him a great positive AND 2 reminders. That's annoying. Anyway, I'm going to work on not complaining about things so much and just stick to my own business. If someone wants to talk to me, they can talk. I'm not making the effort anymore. Especially when someone chooses to play the damn game rather than talk to their "close friend" to work things out. That's not how things work. I'm sorry.

Well, I'm really tired and I should be getting other work done on the site and relaxation before starting the "working" thing. A shout out to all of you who -do- care, not pretending, who actually read every journal entry. I love you! But not you, Jaysen. I don't love you, sorry. That would just be too weird.

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12:05 a.m.

2 entries found for catch-22.
n.
    1. a. A situation in which a desired outcome or solution is impossible to attain because of a set of inherently illogical rules or conditions: “In the Catch-22 of a closed repertoire, only music that is already familiar is thought to deserve familiarity” (Joseph McLennan).
         b. The rules or conditions that create such a situation.
    2. A situation or predicament characterized by absurdity or senselessness.
    3. A contradictory or self-defeating course of action: “The Catch-22 of his administration was that every grandiose improvement scheme began with community dismemberment” (Village Voice).
    4. A tricky or disadvantageous condition; a catch: “Of course, there is a Catch-22 with Form 4868you are supposed to include a check if you owe any additional tax, otherwise you face some penalties” (New York).

[After Catch-22, a novel by Joseph Heller (born 1923), American writer.]Catch-22 adj.

Catch-22

A no-win dilemma or paradox, similar to "damned if I do, damned if I don't". For example, You can't get a job without experience, but you can't get experience unless you have a job - it's Catch-22. The term gained currency as the title of a 1961 war novel by Joseph Heller, who referred to an Air Force rule whereby a pilot continuing to fly combat missions without asking for relief is regarded as insane, but is considered sane enough to continue flying if he does make such a request.

A question is asked. It is assumed to be a Catch-22. Its not. Its stated as not being one. Sometimes not answering does more damage than choosing one or the other.. I don't think I want to see/talk to you anymore. I see my worth in your eyes. I see my value.

Blissfully alone again..
Thank you.

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Sometimes people say things they don't mean when they are out of it, such as when they are really angry, really tired, or just plain not thinking straight. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Adjusting to my new life, I guess. Though that's no excuse. Recently I said something that I really shouldn't have said. I regretted it the moment I said it and still don't know why I said it. I didn't mean it. There are other things that I have said and didn't mean. I don't know how to take them back, I don't know what to do about it. All I can do is try to be better and only say things that I mean. Right? But even if I do that.. I did say it and the damage has been done. Is there any way to reverse it? No deletion. Right. I want to go back to the way things were, before I said those things! Maybe someday.. right? Heh.. No worries, no stress. Don't think about it.

My room is almost done! I just need to hang my mirror, a couple of pictures, get a table/desk for the corner, and get wireless cards for the computers. We have *8* wall scrolls, holy monkey! With more to come. They look so cool! I'm starting to think on Christmas presents. I so hate shopping, but I at least have money to do what I want, now!

Hmm.. I need to get to work, but guess what!? EXACTLY ONE MONTH FROM TODAY!! Nothing to be excited about, though. ;)

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I have a new calico in my life!!

I can't get you out of my head!

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Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Doesn't matter what effort I put forth. I'm always in the wrong, its always my fault. Yes, I control your arms..

Give me one good reason why I should try anymore.

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Jeff needs to die. He left his dog's shit on my doorstep. Kill him.

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So, I went to see Avril Lavigne in concert Monday. Chazz (formerly known as Jason Pollard) took me as an early birthday present, whoo! She is the second hottest Canadian I know, though I can't talk about the first. Access Denied.

She sang to me, yep. And there were some other dudes there.

Alright, screw this. I had a crappy ass night and I'm feeling pretty shitty. Upset doesn't even begin to describe my mood. I need some "real" friends. I need to get out.

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It has been a pretty long time since I had the motivation to sit down and type a journal entry. Well, I didn't really have a lot of time either, been "busy" as I call it, though I'm not sure that's even the correct term. I've been avoiding life. It was my birthday on the 5th. What a hoot.. right.. 21st and Mom and Dad even forgot. The few who did remember were the people who mean the most to me and we can't even talk to each other for who knows what reasons. Maybe because I really am a bad person, I can't do anything right. I fail in everything. The week of my birthday I received hate mail, get that! Go go anonymous sender. Comcast doesn't take well to abusing ToS, though. I'm not sure they'd do anything drastic, but I did report it. What a shocker too, eh? I don't know where the hell that came from being that I don't talk to anyone anymore these days. I had been having a good morning too, I got this email that I -will- post. The subject: Reflections.

Wondering what will keep a person up all night, strange how that is considering what's over is over. There's no going back. What if things were different? Well, who cares, because they're not. Funny thing is, I tell myself that all the time and it doesn't seem to help my situation one bit.

I have absurdly fond memories of you Kara. I smile to myself thinking back to those nights playing Lexibox, or WordFu, or Medieval Mayhem... or that silly little yahoo messenger drawing program. Amazing what a Mormon and a Canadian can draw when they collaborate eh? Fond memories indeed, I think back and smile.

I think back and smile on the nights we spent talking about nothing. I smile about bugging you about Saved by the Bell. I smile thinking back to you bugging me about my accent, even though I always pronounced everything right you goofy yank. I still laugh when I think about my mom freaking out over the phone bill that one month... and the stack of used phone cards that came next ;p I think I still have seven or eight used ones... Not bad for three months time :D

So much music envokes memories of you... and if you knew how important music in my life is, you'd understand how significant that is. I could fill up a million CDs (okay a million is a lot, but you understand) with songs that remind me of you or something we did for whatever reason.

I'm glad we were elitist gankers together, because I never would have met you otherwise. I never would have had that part of my life that I look back on so fondly.

I could sit here and list the things that I remember fondly, but I don't think I could finish by the end of tomorrow night, heh....

It would also take me equally long to write about the mistakes I've made. But what's over is over, regret is a dangerous thing. I've been struggling to overcome regret lately...

So what's the point of this? Was sitting here thinking about you since it was your birthday... I spent all day wondering how you would react if I just messaged you or something, so I didn't, but then I did, and yada yada yada. I don't know. I could have written for 10 hours, but I'm just going to cut the rambling right here. The more I type, the more I'm going to make an ass of myself I think (this isn't new, as I'm sure you know)

So... Happy Birthday Kara, seriously... and I'm glad that I can smile when I think about you.

I sit here and read that and smile and cry. I can't find it in myself to even reply, because according to the other email, I am an asshole, I don't deserve friends, and I will die alone. I am manipulative, selfish, greedy, big headed, a snob, and you are excellent at taking people for granted. Etc. etc. I have two other emails from concerned friends, telling me how they miss me and hope I'm doing okay and that they like hanging out with me and hope to see me again. I have had IMs from people pretty much saying the same thing. I find myself IMing one of my old (ex?) best friends who doesn't really think of me anymore or talk to me (probably because of stated reasons from the hate mail) with dumb little things to ask him that don't really matter, just to see if I can get him to talk to me a teeny bit. I miss them, I miss them a lot. I can't take back the things I said or the things I did. I'm not really sure of what even happened. Am I that bad of a person!? Probably. I can't even make new friend here. Brett won't even get off his ass to help me with the Christmas tree or to help clean or -anything-. I thought getting him out of the house would help. That's hardly selfish of me. I wanted to help him and get him into "life" as we call this thing. There's someone who means a lot to me that I've been hanging out with and I can't seem to do anything right there, either. It all gets turned back on me and I'm a bitch. Bi-polar, you think? Maybe I should go get checked out. All I know is I hate sitting here crying, feeling completely alone, missing my special friends. I want to go back to California and see everyone again, but I can't get the time off because they decided to put off conversion, so no earning Paid Time Off and there's no vacation or sick days either. I miss Jimmy's family. They were my family and I love them as my own. How can I love people and have people who love me if I am such a terrible person as the anonymous mail sender seems to think? What have I done in the last couple of months to deserve such an email?

Someone told me that I should state names in my journal entries to not get people confused, but I don't think that's a good thing to do. Since when have I ever done anything right?

So, Jaron, he was "the one" from a previous journal entry, well, we know how he blew me off.. I'm not really sure what happened or why, but he called me the other night to tell me that his feelings for me never changed and that he really does care about me, still has deep feelings, blah blah blah. I take it with a grain of salt. Why? Because how can I trust that? Obviously I'm a terrible person and am not deserving of these people who are in my life, according to hater, again. I really just don't even want to think about it anymore. I can't stand the thought of "being" with someone. Jaron loves me, sure, but he can't handle the distance, neither can I. However, he says he's going to come here for school, but that won't be till the Fall of 2006. Um.. yeah. He also wants to stop by on his way back to Cali from Texas (round trip to pick up his bike) to see me. I don't know if I should see him. Isn't it better to cut things off? 2 years is a long time and I'm sure he's going to find some other cute little girl and may never even come.

Gedare constantly changes his mind about everything, can't ever hold steady. He drives me insane and I think that's why he likes to talk to me. *boggle*

Josh, wow.. I just can't even think straight when it comes to Josh. He blows me away. I would totally marry that guy. I would fall apart if I were to see you again. So maybe it shouldn't happen. *grins*

Jaysen.. where do I even begin.. After spending almost every day together for 2 months, I figured there was something there. PSYCHE! It hurts, still. I can't seem to be normal around him anymore and he just does his thing. He hardly hangs out with me anymore, I don't blame him, but holy change of weather. OUT OF NOWHERE. I can't even try to talk to him about how I feel because he shoots me down and/or blows it off or asks me "why does it matter?" and tells me "just take things as they come". THEY AREN'T COMING! IT DOES MATTER TO ME! AND I DON'T SEE THINGS CHANGING. Why should I put up with the shit? There are sooo many things I could say about this one, but its still too fresh and it still hurts too much and I think I should just get out of it all. His best friend was nicer to me than he was, go figure.

My little group of friends at work, well.. that didn't last long. They happened to "forget" to let me know when they were going to lunch one night, so I said something to Joey, some lame ass excuse was given. I dropped it. Then Brandie came over to talk to me the next morning. Just so happened to be the same morning that I got the lovely hate mail, of course I was near tears and really feeling like shit and wasn't going to take it out on her, but I wasn't "chatty". So she got upset, instead of trying to talk to me about, I get the cold shoulder and silent treatment. Since then, none of them will talk to me. I eat lunch by myself, maybe with Ely, or go hang out with Brett.

Ely, there's one for you. His girlfriend lives in England. Pretty cool, sure. When we first started talking, though, he was going through this whole "I can't take it, I don't want to be with her anymore" blah blah crap. He was hanging out with me a lot, then all of a sudden, mood swing (yes, I go with Josh on this one, where do I find all these WOMEN-MEN) and "Sophie Sophie Sophie" and "I have a girlfriend, no we can't go out to a restaurant for dinner" blah blah blah. "I can't go on a DATE! Sophie would kill me!" Well holy shit, going out to eat somewhere doesn't mean its a farkin' date! I would just like to go get some seafood or something and hang out with a friend, it kind of sucks to go alone and I no longer have any girl pals. Whatever. So I don't really talk to him anymore cause of that whole thing.

Some guys are just moody. They don't think so, but hell, they are worse than some of the girls I know. Anyway, I finally got some Christmas shopping done. I have 3 packages ready to go, one to Kaleb, my dearest nephew. HOLY COW HE TURNED 13! I'm sending him $20 in a card for his birthday (yeah, its late cause Bryce and Sharla can't seem to answer their phone when I call to get his number, I wanted to talk to him!) to go towards his electric guitar he wants to get. I thought that was the coolest thing. Then I got him one of the new Bionicle Man thingies. Last year, for Christmas, I got Taylor and Braxton the Bionicle dudes and Bryce later told me that Kaleb was kind of jealous, even though he won't admit it, being a big kid now.. heh heh. So I hope he doesn't get too embarassed and enjoys it. To make up for the geekiness, I got him Twister to play with his half sisters too. The other two packages go to Mike and one to Jimmy's since I only have his address and none of the others with presents for him, Matt, and Josh. Though, -just- in case they read this, I'm not saying what I got them. Wow, I'm rambling.

I got Catacombs, the expansion for DAoC.. why oh why did I do that? Its habit, maybe? I think I will play, though, just on another server/realm. I've been playing WoW too. That game is super fun and its funnier with my supervisor playing too. He cracks me up. Holy gamer people at work. I'm in heaven. I can talk to people about things, whoa! So yeah, he's a total LotR fan too. Hah hah! Glad I don't -sit- by any gamers, though. I'd never get work done.

I think I'm winding down. No more tears. I care too damn much for people when I do give in enough to care and can't seem to get myself out of that. I got myself distracted for the time, though. I just wanted to tell those out there that matter, that I really love you. You know who you are and even though we aren't the best of friends anymore or we just don't even talk.. I still care and I wish you the best. I hope the holidays go well for you, I'm trying to make the best of mine.. heh. I get New Years Eve and New Years Day off! That's uber exciting. Was thinking MAYBE I can get another day or two then.. and get myself out to Cali. It would help. I miss you guys. All my Js, especially. *winks* Good night.

*-the asshole song, need to get the title from Josh, its perfect-*

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Wow! A journal entry! Its been ages since I last did anything with the site, I know. I got another email on the Friends page a couple of days ago, so I figured, why not? So that is added - Q. Then I even added a new page. Nothing great or exciting, but fitting my mood.

I care too much about people, its killing me. I can't do it anymore. I've found that caring is in fact a very rare thing for other people. I don't know if it is because they don't know how to or they refuse to.

Oh well. It doesn't appear my phone call is coming. Another step towards my convictions. Sleep is calling.

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You try your very best to purge your world of anyone who seems to care, or even the ones who don't really care - they just hang around for whatever reason. You get rid of them, hang up on them, leave them, say mean things to me, anything to get them to go away, to remove them from your life.

Then the only ones left, if any, would have to be the ones who -really- do care. Though you lay down in bed and look around your room, pick up a book and try to read, anything to take your mind off of things and see if there is any stop to the flow of tears, no sleep awaits, its not possible feeling like this. Sleep would be haunted by dreams and even the dreams are haunted.

The only one left is my black-man-in-an-orange-kitty Julius Cornelius. I never call him by his name, though. He's the only one who seems to care, 'cept how much can a kitten really care? He curls up next to me, purring away with his too-loud motor for his small size, rubbing against my fingers and book, happy and content to just be near me and feel me and listen to me talk about nothing. No judging, no deserting, no games. Nothing is more perfect than that moment. I have to tell myself that no matter how alone I am, no matter how much people pretended to care and have all gone (by my own efforts), I have a kitten to bite me. He draws blood.

I hate you world. I hate you stupid ass people who play at this game of 'caring' when you can only think about yourselves. How much do I have to give up to make you feel better? How much do I need to do to make you feel better? How many things do I need to say, do, feel to help you feel good before I finally explode? I loan money, I talk on the phone till all hours of the night falling asleep from my own exhaustion. I loan books, I loan time, I spend money on these phone calls that HAVE to take place or there's nothing "good" going on with us. I read, I sing (very poorly for both, I might add). I laugh and tell jokes and stories. Sometimes I cry for/with you. I stand up for you, I make the time for you, I put your IM over my work. I am always there, I am always reachable. I am always willing to listen and give and help. What more do you want!? What more can I do? I love and I care far more than most people ever will. Why do you not bring things up when they bother you and discuss them? why do you let it go with me thinking everything's fine, that I'm finally making a difference, only to explode out of nowhere with a whole slew of evil things to burden my heart and shoulders with? What did I do wrong? I can't take it any more. I can't take the pain, the tears, the heartache. I can't take the excuses and the lies. I can't take the fake smiles and laughs. I can't care about someone who likes to destroy themselves and take me down with them.

I saw my nephew Kaleb a couple of weeks ago. I wish I could be young again. I wish I had the energy to rumble-tumble with the little ones. How I love them so much. Do you know what they want? A hug. A Piggy-back ride. A piece of candy or gum. A smile. Someone to praise their picture or watch their dress-up show. How simple is that? How can that be refused? Kaleb is now 13, an inch taller than me, too. He's really something else, I miss the kid. I forget how much I mean to him sometimes. He didn't leave my side the entire night I was there. He just wanted to talk about school and sports and stories about his sisters and girls and his cat "Piglet". How damn cute is that?! He found 'bunny' his childhood friend that he lost years ago. He used to cry and scream for that thing. I told him to keep it for a while longer, not to throw it away. I have nothing from my childhood.. He is in a band now, he plays the drums and bought a new guitar. I'd like to say I sent him money to help get it! Go me! I bet he got more from others though. *shrugs* He still loves me, no matter what. When he was a baby, I used to snuggle him away from everyone else, somewhere quiet and sing to him and tell him stories. I can't believe he's 13.

I didn't mean to write this much, but I'm so empty, but full at the same time. The tears don't seem to ever stop, I can't sleep, my baby kitty is actually pretty bored with me right now and went off to find other things to do. I guess there's always more reading. Good night emptiness.

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I'm really sucking at keeping this updated, but hey - I've actually been busy with "life". Yeah, that phone call never came. Oh well. ANYWAY! I got promoted at work. I'm not a team lead! That happened 9/1/2005 for the win. October 7th I moved out of my craptastic apartment that used to be so cool to me. I moved into a better place with Sivitri and someone from work. It's pretty cool. We have kids over once in a while and it's BIG. BK (my cat, his name has changed a lot) was sick and cost me an arm and a leg a while back. I also loaned Dannea like $1k. RETARDED CAUSE I'M LIKELY TO NEVER SEE IT AGAIN! Umm.. there's been a lot of things going on, I guess. I keep busy.

Brett has his friend Brad come 'stay' with us... hrm, the pizza just got here. I'm going to go eat and I'll finish this in a bit.

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Well, yeah.. I didn't get back to it. Wasn't in the mood to finish and have been really busy or just really lazy lately. So to finish with my story - Brett had his friend come stay with us. It was only supposed to be a couple of weeks until he could get his own place or whatever. He lived there for 5 and a half months and only paid a third of the power bill maybe twice. I was SO pissed and he was disgusing, dirty, etc. They never did anything. SO I told Justin (Sivitri from DAoC) to come be my roommate and Brett and Bradd would move into the adjacent apartment. Justin moves out here, they don't move even though Brad paid the deposit and everything was supposedly good to go. Then Justin and I find another place with another roommate. Brett gets pissed at me.. then Brad ditches him (but stays for a while to make sure he gets the most out of using Brett. Totally ridiculous. Brett was thrown in the dump by his friend and he took it out on me. Anyway! RETARDED!

Justin and I got a new apartment with another roommate Oct. 1st. Totally awesome, it's big, lots of room and just happiness - for the most part. It looks like the other roommate wasn't entirely being honest with us when he said he'd only have his kids every other weekend, I swear he has them EVERY weekend and most nights the rest of the week. It's freakin' annoying and I got a promotion at work, right, that's cool, but then the moved me to another team on phone support and I don't know anything about what they do over there and I'm expected to jump right in with no training or anything. I'm totally stressed out. I didn't even go to work yesterday or today. SLACKER! Stupid ass James got his promotion and I'm glad. He's going to get totally stressed out and I hope he rots. Long story - maybe some time I'll go into it. Right now it just hurts a whole ton and I think it would have hurt less if he'd died instead.

Speaking of friends dying.. Justin's ex-best friend and his ex-girlfriend died a few days ago.. I don't know what to do or say to comfort him. We went out to meet Vindry from DAoC and his new girlfriend, totally awesome people. We're going to hang out with them more often and here's to hoping Andrea and I can become better friends too. She's totally awesome and I don't normally get along with girls. We went to The Pie, YUM, and then walked over to Vindry's to get a movie from him, but ended up staying pretty damn late.

We've been watching a lot of movies lately. We went to see the new Pride & Prejudice. It was pretty good. We didn't have high expectations, so it was great for what it was. You need to watch the A&E version to be able to understand the undercurrents and the relationships between people. Darcy wasn't as bad as I'd expected him to be. We also saw Zathura before it came out, we got into the sneak preview for free, it was cool for being free! After we saw Pride & Prejudice, we bought Ever After and the modern Pride & Prejudice. HAR HAR. Totally funny. I love Justin for loving these movies with me. The best part is that he's not pretending. He'll watch them on his own sometimes and he totally understands what's going on in the storyline.

Someone who totally pisses me off is freakin' Louis. His dumb ass immature little brat of a girlfriend broke up with him and he took it out on me in a way. He wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't do anything. He was too 'depressed' and didn't want to be helped. So I left him alone to his own misery like he wanted. Then I've noticed his away messages, profile, and other stuff that he's all "thanks to those friends for being there for me and blah blah blah" and something about how he should have listened to his friends who'd said that she was bad news and too immature and she'd do this. I think I was the biggest advocate and he totally.. GOD WHATEVER! Totally pisses me off, right? My favorite part, he says "My advice to everyone out there - Never let someone you care for fade away, don't give up on them even when it seems dark. Try, try because someone that truly cares for you is a rare thing, and to lose them is to let that one shining, twinkling star in the darkest night fade to nothing". HELLO HYPOCRASY! Well, either hypocrasy or he just kept on lying and lying. He told me he cared about me.. however.. yeah.. I give up. I always say that, but for real. I GIVE THE FUCK UP! I hate people, I hate the world. I don't care to be optimistic or anything. People use you, abuse you, then leave you.

On another note. I've updated the site some. I made changes to the song titles here - they now actually link to the lyrics on my Moods page. I need to go grocery shopping with Justin, then we need to work on his book so he can have it finished by the end of the year. He has three publishers interested, but he has to get done first - der.

To you - fuck you.

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Its been ages. Yep. Lots of things have happened. Yep. I don't know quite where I want to start, but I guess I'll start at the point most people would normally be interested in.

My engagement.

I met Mike on New Year's. I went with a friend to a party up at this fantabulous cabin and had tons of fun, meeting Mike. We played lots of games, including Mario Kart and Mario Party, ftw. Short story - he proposed on Valentine's Day. It was perfect, full story here.

Mike has a four year old son, Gabe. He's a cutie pie. Mike purchased a domain! www.bybee-family.com - you should totally check it out. Umm, so as it states in his spectacular blog, the date is set for Sept. 22nd. We have been engaged for 2 and a half months and I have made absolutely no plans. We marry in 5 months and I don't have any idea what I'm going to do.

Girls always have their dreams of the perfect wedding, the perfect day, their day - surrounded by friends and family and the ones who really matter. I don't have anyone. My mom is all excited when I'm before her, looking at her, talking to her about it, but the second I leave, its out of her mind. I have had no help from her and hate to push anyone to 'help me' with anything. I don't like to ask for help, but there's not much I can do on my own, either. I don't feel like I have support. I don't have a best friend to be my maid of honor and to giggle with and make plans with, to go dress shopping with. I don't have anyone to talk to. The best friend I thought I had in Laura, for ages, has finally been hammered home as having been a figment of my imagination. I don't know why it took so long to realize this, but I have now read her blogs and her real best friend's blog - though I couldn't help but notice her friend never mentioned her until waaaay later for whatever reason, I don't rightly know. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

I don't want to do this alone, but I don't want to ask for the help. I suck at this. I don't know how I can justify feeling like someone should be excited about it with me and helping me along. I guess what I mean by 'helping' is that I just want to know someone out there is rooting for me and they are excited and willing to bounce ideas around with me, and show me things I might not have thought of doing, etc. Does that make sense? This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life and I sit here with tears in my eyes. I've had offers from a couple of people to go dress shopping with me or to help me ideas, but one is Gabe's mother and the other is Mike's best friend's wife. Its kind of weird. I have a hard time getting along with girls and I don't feel right asking them to go shopping with me and then not being able to pick them up myself in my car, you know?

Feeling like a big loser is just..

How do I even begin explaining how I feel? I have so many guilty feelings, that I don't see how I can be at all right in what I think and feel anymore. Its not right of me to think it'd be wonderful for my mom to call me up and say "Hey, I have a free afternoon, can I come pick you up to go dress shopping? Do you want to go look at flowers to get an idea? Have you thought about who you want to do your photography?" I have to be the one to call her and try to find an opportunity where she can spend time with me. I don't want to be disappointed anymore. I thought I found someone who could finally understand me, but I guess I am just too much of an enigma. Or maybe I'm just too screwed up. How weird would it be to not have any bride's maids at all? Or asking Mike's ex-girlfriends to do it? HAH!

He hasn't posted anything about me since the engagement story, did you see? I don't know what to think about that. He's having second thoughts, maybe.. he's not happy with me. I can't do anything right.

Its hard to feel motivated about things, when you feel completely alone in the world, when you feel like you don't matter to anyone. Its hard when you're ignored and your feelings are brushed aside.

This is a really bad rant, I suppose. I haven't slept and spent hours in contemplation and parted with Mike on not-so-happy notes this morning. Does he care? Not one iota. I guess some people would be perfectly happy with that.

Why am I doing this?

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I need help finding this dress, or who the designer is..

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