Julianna: Chapter VII
"Thank you, Nathaniel," I whispered, still not completely trusting my voice. He put his hands on my shoulders and held me at arm's length, then shook his head at me. "It is I who should be thanking you, Julianna… I'm so very sorry that I misjudged you." I breathed a shaky sigh, wondering where to go from there, what to say, what to do… We both jumped nearly a mile high when a voice came from the doorway. "Do I dare even ask?" Andrea said. I turned to her, and her expression shifted from teasing to worried. I realized that I most likely looked horrid, considering the extensive amount of time I had been crying my eyes out, and, wanting to dismiss any false accusations that could have been floating around in her head, I quickly stated, "It's not his fault, really!" Still feeling weak, I suddenly lost my balance. Andrea ran to my aid, but Nathan was closer and caught me before I fell, then put an arm around my waist to steady me. "What's wrong, Julianna? Is everything alright?"
Nathan led me to a chair, gently pushed me into it, and I smiled at him gratefully - for more than just that. His eyes registered understanding, so I turned to Andrea to explain the situation. "Andrea, this isn't what it looks like…" She smiled and shook her head. "I know, sweetheart, I know it isn't. Nathan is an honorable man, and I am sure he would never do anything to hurt anyone. But what is it? What happened?"
I sighed, and thankfully, Nathan came to my aid. "I think that she would be willing to tell you later, Andrea dear, but right now she's very emotionally exhausted, and I fear that my rendition of the story would never suffice." "Alright then," she accepted. I broke in, suddenly wanting to talk about something besides myself. "Andrea, do tell me how you and Nathaniel know each other," I said, truly feeling curious about how he had come to be standing there, in Andrea's kitchen. "We're old friends," she began. "We have been since childhood, when we grew up together. It's quite simple, really. Nathan comes to visit quite often. The children have adopted him as another uncle. Now, what I'm wondering is how you know him."
"We met at a ball," I said. "Yes… you know how my uncle loves to host gala's," Nathan finished, and I looked at him in surprise. "You mean to say that Lord Beaumont is your uncle?" He nodded. "Yes, I… You didn't know that?" I shook my head. Today was just filled with surprises! "I never even thought… You didn't seem like…"
"Like what? Spoiled, rich?" I rushed to rephrase, to take back what I had said, but he broke in. "Julianna, I never wanted to come across like that. You seemed so different, so unlike other women… so like you didn't care about how much money I, or anyone else had. I didn't want to scare you away." I looked up and was relieved to see a smile on his face, and I nodded. "I see…" were the only words I could conjure up. His smile, his eyes, had a strange, overwhelming power over me. I had nearly forgotten about Andrea when she finally spoke up. "Oh, he's the man you tol - …" She stopped herself when I threw her a dirty look, and just smiled innocently. He threw me a strange look and I just shook my head and attempted a smile.
My head was swimming with questions I was afraid to ask, and I was utterly confused and overwhelmed. Nathaniel was a millionaire, - or at least would become one when Lord Beaumont died - he would be coming to call often, because he knew Andrea, and I would be here, and I wanted to see him, but I couldn't. I had feelings for him… sincere, deep feelings, and I would never be able to hide them, but I could never act on them.
"Julianna, dear, are you alright?" It was Andrea speaking, and again the concerned look appeared on her face. I nodded slightly, not willing to voice a lie, and Nathaniel sighed. "I think that you should lie down for a while, Julianna, you look absolutely exhausted," He said, so very gently. I nearly burst into tears again, touched at his concern, but I just nodded and found that no tears were willing to come. Andrea helped me stand up, then Nathaniel took me by the arm and as we reached the stairs, they paused. "What?" I asked. Andrea spoke first, "I think that you should come and sleep in the guest room, Julianna, I'm reluctant to leave you on your own." Helpless to resist, I just nodded again and after what seemed like forever, I was finally resting in bed. But my mind didn't want to rest, and it kept going as I sunk into a light sleep, comforted by the sound of Andrea and Nathaniel talking in the kitchen.
I opened my eyes, startled at the sound of the door opening. It was dark. Had I slept that long? An eerie feeling crept over me, and I turned my gaze to the door that had just opened, barely in time to see a male figure, and then the door closed, and once again, I could not see. Perhaps it was Daniel… but then, why would he be coming into my room at night? Alone, no less? "Daniel?" I whispered, suddenly incredibly afraid. I was shaking, my heart seemed to have relocated so that I could hear it pounding in my ears, and I was sure it was audible even to someone in the next room. "Julianna…" The figure moved closer, and I could again see his profile. It wasn't Daniel. No, I knew this figure well… I knew the profile. I remembered it, from a night that seemed so long ago and yet like it had been only yesterday.
No, no, no! You're gone! You can't hurt me, not ever again! I had no defense, I couldn't move. I just lay there and waited for fate to take it's icy hold… would he kill me? Surely I would give my life freely rather than suffer the same fate twice. Yes, I would die, and suffer no more. But no, he didn't want to kill me, he simply wanted me. Finding some semblance of control over my muscles, I squirmed as far away from him as I could, but found a wall in my way. "Please, no…" I whispered in desperation, and began to cry. He sat next to me on the bed, and again I felt his cold caress. What could I do? I screamed.
"Julianna! Wake up, Julianna, everything is alright, wake up…" I shook my head and cried and cried, sobbing mournfully. "Don't let him touch me, please, just let me die!" I moaned. I felt a warm hand on my cheek, and I jumped, opening my eyes. My vision was blurred, but I gathered that it still light outside, and two people were there… a man, kneeling by my bed, and a woman… Andrea?
"Andrea," I sighed in relief. And Nathan, Nathan was here… his hand, on my face… I jerked away, feeling my gut clench, and tears started once again. "No, no, nononono…" My words melded together as I said them over and over, and they began to sound foreign to my ears. I felt him leave, heard him pass through the open door and all at once I was relieved and panicked. He couldn't leave, I needed him! But he had to, I was frightened, he was a man… Andrea sat on my bed beside me as I sat up, and put her arms around me. "Julianna, sweetheart, it's alright… it was just a dream, just a dream." I shook my head and buried my face in her shoulder, soaking her dress as I did so. "But it wasn't a dream, Andrea, not the first time. What if he comes back? Maybe he'll kill me, yes, that would be fine… death…"
My words trailed off and I struggled to catch my breath. Why couldn't I breathe? She began to rock, as if I was a baby, she began to rock back and forth, and I rocked with her. Yes, it was comforting, this was good. She began to hum a tune I didn't recognize, an Irish sounding tune. I felt like a child, and perhaps I was one again, or maybe I had never grown up. But I didn't care, I just felt her comforting embrace, heard her soft voice, and I rested, finally feeling a semblance of calm.
Again, I felt the pure exhaustion of having used all my energy for sorrow, but I was afraid to sleep, so I didn't. Gathering my courage, I asked Andrea to accompany me down the stairs, and stay with me while I spoke with Nathan. "He's gone home, Julianna. He was afraid he had hurt your feelings, or scared you somehow…" "But… I need to speak with him…" Well, this made things easier. Some things, anyhow. I wouldn't have to explain, but I wanted to, I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault, everything was my fault, just my fault, not his. "Andrea, tell him it wasn't his fault." She nodded and gave me one last gentle squeeze. "I will, Julianna, next time that I see him." I nodded, accepting her answer. There was silence for a few seconds, and then I blurted, "I'm so very sorry, Andrea…" She looked at me with confusion on her face. "For what, Julianna?" I told myself not to cry again, choked down the lump in my throat and attempted to explain. "I... I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, I shouldn't burden you, and I hope you don't feel that I'm your responsibility."
"Oh, no, you mustn't think that, Julianna! It has been our pleasure having you here, and you are no burden whatsoever. I consider you my friend, and as your friend I do feel as if I have a small responsibility towards you. It is no trouble at all." I sighed, not knowing how to respond to that. Finally, I said, "Well, I owe you my deepest thanks, Andrea." It was simple, and didn't convey my true gratefulness, but it would have to do until my mind cleared and I could speak coherently.
Weeks passed, and Nathaniel did not come. After that day, I cried often, but it was no longer the tormented sobs that I had cried. Just tears to heal, tears to release the left over pain. It would take forever and a day to completely recover from what had happened, but at least I realized that, and I had finally begun the process. Some of the tears, I admitted to myself, were because I needed Nathan to come back and hold me, I needed to tell him I was sorry, but then, I also had to tell him that I couldn't be with him, as if it wasn't already painfully evident. I didn't want to tell him that, I wanted to keep him near, feel his comforting arms around me every day, but I simply had to tell him. Perhaps he realized it already anyhow, and that was why he didn't return.
Soon, I became sure of it, and just as that surety became comfortable in my emotions and senses, something happened, once again, that turned everything upside down. I had moved back into my room at the inn a few days after the small ordeal, and I was slowly walking to the Haynes' home for dinner when I heard a horse clip-clopping down the stone path. I wanted to run to see who it was, but, although I still had 4 months of pregnancy left, I was so large with child that it was becoming difficult to walk from the inn to the house every night, not to mention how cold it had become. I walked as quickly as I could and within a minute or two I was within sight of the house, and I could easily see the horse and rider. A man… could it be? I had convinced myself it was impossible, but… I quickened my pace as much as was possible. The man tied his horse to a fence post and walked to the door, knocked on it, then entered the house.
The horse looked far too familiar - had I seen Nathan's horse before? - but I ignored it and entered the house. I wasn't prepared in the least for what I found as I walked in the door, and it nearly sent me running back out the open door and into a state of complete shock. Andrea was frowning, looking concerned and doubtful. Daniel looked angry as he shooed Benjamin out of the room and asked Andrea to go check on Samantha, who was playing on the floor in the next room. I just stood, too stunned to move, other than the excessive trembling that took hold of me. "You, you… how dare you come here, Stanley?! How dare you!" I yelled hoarsely, and Daniel came to stand beside me, putting an arm around my shoulders as if that single action would make everything right in the world. But I didn't pull away. I didn't want to be vulnerable, I needed his protection.
As I calmed slightly, I realized that Stanley was drunk as usual. "Why?" I whispered inaudibly, feeling tears surfacing. "Julianna," He finally spoke, and the sound sent tremors through my soul. I heard anger in his voice, and I clung to Daniel, wishing Stanley away, wishing it was just a bad dream, but it wasn't. "You whore," He hissed, and Daniel's grip on me tightened. I couldn't tell whether he was planning to step forward and let me go so he could hit Stanley, or stay and protect me in a gentler fashion. I wasn't sure which to hope for.
"A whore, that's what you are! You wanted me that night, I know you did, and you've probably used your charm on countless other men since, haven't you?" He stepped forward and grabbed my arm, blowing the smell of liquor in my face as he whispered, "well, haven't you?!" I whimpered, but upon hearing the weak sound I mentally slapped myself. If you weren't so weak, this never would have happened! I thought. "I have had none but you," I said, amazed at the steadiness of my voice. "None at all, and now I am carrying your child. What do you think of that?" Stupid, Julianna, don't say things like that.
"You've always had such a pretty face, Julianna… it's a shame I'm going to have to ruin it!" At that, Daniel released his grip and stepped forward with a hand raised, but Stanley, even in all his drunkenness reached Daniel first and knocked him to the ground, then started for me. Nononono… the pleading words ran through my head but I could not bring myself to say them. He grabbed me and dragged me through the still-open door just as Daniel recovered and started after us. "Daniel, help me, please…" I yelled as loud as I could. Stanley threw me on the ground and went after Daniel once more, and I began to cry, helpless to do anything but lay there on the cold ground. I closed my eyes, hoping to block it all out. A few seconds of forever passed, and I heard a third male voice. A familiar voice that sent a tremor through my body and gave me sudden hope.
More Chapters
Chapter VIII
Chapter IX
Chapter X
Chapter XI
