Julianna: Chapter XI
Somehow, I managed to get a few hours of sleep that night, although a part of me resisted closing my eyes for even a second. I wanted to keep watch over my two precious babies, I wanted to watch their every move and stare at them forever.
Eventually, exhaustion took over sometime after Nathan left the room, and secure with the promise that he wouldn't go far, I relaxed and fell asleep, though I awoke periodically through the night to feed the babies as needed.
When I awoke in the morning, I felt somewhat disoriented and overwhelmed, but I still had a sense of safety that I hadn't known for a long time.
Yawning, I stretched and took a moment to stare at my sleeping babies. My little boy only had slightly more masculine features than his sister did, and he was tinier, more delicate and fragile looking. I had been worried about that at first, but Dr. Brown assured me that he was quite healthy, and as long as I watched him closely and didn't allow him to get chilled or sick, he would be fine.
I had yet to choose names for them… I had thought about a few, but none seemed to fit. I wondered how long they would just be "the babies."
I leaned over and gently kissed them both, careful not to wake them. The quiet hours of twilight stirred something inside me, and lying there in the glow of the sunrise, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the love I felt for these two tiny beings. I knew in an instant that I would give my life for either one, although I barely knew them, even though they had only been lying by my side for less than 24 hours. I touched their tiny face with my fingertips, amazed at the soft smoothness of their skin, their shiny crowns of dark hair… I smiled. Yes, this was heaven.
Finally, I had been pulled out of my dark hell and into this peaceful existence, and I was truly happy.
As the soft morning light played across my tiny daughter's face, a name came into my mind, and I smiled. Of course, I would name her Sabra Dawn; Sabra had been my mother's middle name, and Dawn, for obvious reasons, but also because her birth marked the dawn of a new life for all three of us.
"Sabra Dawn," I whispered aloud, testing the sound of it, and loving it. As if in response, she awoke and began to fuss, so I picked her up, kissed her, and began feeding her.
As I cradled her in my arms, I began to study my baby boy, wondering if I would ever be able to find a name that fit him. I ran through names in my head, thinking of all the men I had ever known, and stopped when I came to my father. I had hardly known him, only for a short part of my young life. All I had in the way of memories were impressions, feelings, and a few small, blurred recollections.
My thoughts wandered, and I began to hum softly, almost sub-consciously. What was this strange, sad lullaby that came into my head so unexpectedly? Where had I heard it before? I frowned, vaguely remembering a day so long ago when my mother had sung the same song to me.
"Mama?" I asked, sniffling and rubbing my sore eyes. I had been crying, because I missed my daddy. "Mama, why hasn't Daddy come home yet? He said he would…"
She smiled down at me, but her eyes were shiny with unshed tears, and I kissed her cheek. "Don't be sad Mama."
She knelt next to me on the floor, still taller than me, despite her position, and took me in her arms. "Julianna, sweetheart, Daddy won't be coming back."
I took a moment to absorb her words, then burst into tears again. "But, he has to come back, mommy! He said he would!" I tearfully protested. Unable to speak, my dear mama hugged me tight and without explanation, began rocking me gently, and shakily sang me a lullaby.
"Lullaby, lulla lay, the sea is singing her lullaby… the snow falls, the wind blows, and I must stay here, but by and by… you will return, this much I know… lullaby, lulla lay…
Baby and I, we wait here for you, lonely and sad as the days go by… but don't fear for us, we know you'll stay true… not a tear will we cry, and by and by… you will return, this much we know… lullaby, lulla lay."
She had never explained where my daddy had gone, or why he never did return, and as I got older I had the sense not to ask. I still wondered, though. The few memories I had of him were pure, happy memories, and I had no reason not to love him, although I hadn't known him for long.
What had his name been? I couldn't remember, so I sat, intently searching my memory, the deepest corners of my mind for any clue. I peered down at my son, and suddenly I remembered. Mama had always called him Alex… always. I smiled. That resolved his middle name, but what would his first name be? I decided to drop the issue until something came to me, as it had with Sabra Dawn.
Sighing, I reached down and gently shook him, knowing that he would be hungry and fussy when he woke up if I didn't feed him now. His bright green eyes greeted me cheerfully, and I nearly interpreted the expression on his face as a smile, although his mouth didn't move one bit.
"Hi, little one," I said, smiling. He was so sweet… Sabra had fallen asleep, so I gently laid her down and picked him up, looking him over carefully before letting him nurse. Suddenly, I laughed, overcome with emotion. Everything was so different… I was happier, things seemed clearer, and I had two beautiful children.
True to his word, Nathaniel had stayed, and a few hours after I awoke, a very exhausted Andrea escorted him in. I smiled at him and invited him to sit by me.
"Good morning, Nathan…" I murmured, barely audible. He smiled at me tentatively, still just as self-conscious about being there as he had been the night before.
"Good morning, Julianna," He replied. I nearly giggled at the shakiness of his voice, but then I saw how incredibly tired he looked, and my mood changed from silly to somber in a matter of seconds.
"Did you get any sleep last night, Nathaniel…? You look absolutely…" I stopped myself before I said "horrible".
He smiled and shook his head. "Not a lot, but I did get a few hours in." I must have looked concerned, because he shrugged and waved his hand. "It doesn't matter, I've gone on less before," He assured me, and I frowned, biting my lip.
He laughed, "And you, Julianna, did you get any sleep?" I shook my head sheepishly. I didn't feel tired, and I didn't think the elation I felt would wear off in the near future. "See, now, we're even…"
"Oh, hardly!" I loudly exclaimed, and both babies jumped simultaneously, but stayed asleep. He laughed again, quietly. "How are we not even?" He asked, and I stared at him in disbelief.
"Next time you give birth to twins, you can ask that question again, alright?" He raised an eyebrow, but didn't reply. I had beaten him. After a long silence, he finally conceded, "you win!" And I smiled triumphantly. He laughed quietly, then fell silent. His gaze rested on the baby in my arms, and at the look in his eyes, I asked, "Would you like to hold him?" He nodded, and I smiled at the childlike gleam of excitement in his eyes.
I gently placed the baby in his arms, and the smile that appeared on his face surpassed any beautiful thing I'd ever seen before. The baby awoke, but didn't cry… he simply stared up at Nathan and cooed softly. My arms felt empty, so I picked Sabra up and gently rocked her.
"Have you decided on names yet, Julianna?" Nathan asked.
"Yes… well, some." He raised an eyebrow at me, looking curious and confused. "Well, this little angel I've decided to name Sabra Dawn… Sabra was my mother's middle name. As for him, I'm not sure yet, but I want his middle name to be Alexander, after my father… Do you have any suggestions?" I asked, hoping he could help.
He shrugged, and looked thoughtful for a minute. A sad, forlorn look appeared in his eyes, and I frowned.
"What's wrong?" I asked, wondering what could have changed his mood so suddenly. He shook his head slightly and looked up at me, his eyes filling with tears. "You see, I had an brother named Marcus, and I thought it would be a good name… I just miss him. I'm sorry, I'm acting a little pathetic."
"Oh, no you aren't! Not at all. I'm so sorry about your brother, Nathan… I had a younger brother, he died in my arms a few weeks after his birth… so I know a little of what you're feeling." My heart filled with sympathy towards him… he had known his brother longer, loved him longer… tears filled my eyes and I instinctively reached for his hand. Cradling the baby in one arm, he intertwined his fingers with mine, and I felt a warm shiver run down my spine. "If it's alright with you, Nathan, I'd like to name him Marcus Alexander… in honor of your brother." I murmured, still feeling tiny shock waves running through my body at random. He squeezed my hand gently, and a single tear found it's way down his cheek. I lifted our entangled hands and brushed it off. "That would be wonderful, Julianna."
More Chapters...
