Connie's column...

July 2006

How to get rid of your guests...

My little strawberries,

Have you noticed how difficult sometimes it is to get your guests to leave? It was all very nice for the first couple of hours, but when the night is getting late and you have been such a good host/hostess that they seem to never intend to hit the road, it is time to do something...

In most cases, if it was a dinner invitation, your guests will stay after dinner to chat around a cup of coffee or tea. After a while, if you propose other drinks (as in "can I offer you anything else?"), with a lost look on your face that means "I really don't know what else to offer you¡K". They should understand that it is about time to take their leave. This is the usual code, at least in the West.

If this first hint wasn't taken, try and put their mind on the return trip, asking "Are you going to drive back home? Will you be OK?", with some concern in your voice about how much wine they had. Or "The way up here is a bit difficult to find, are you should you'll find you way back?" A bit more obvious, but still acceptably polite, is "You came with the metro/train? What time is the last one tonight?"

When polite hints do not work, try a bit of magic: in the next room, or in the kitchen, dig a fork in your favorite broom, while chanting "Merry meet [insert here guest's name], merry part, and merry meet again!", once for each guest. This also works well for visitors that have extended their stay at your place for several days: in that case, put the broom and its fork under their bed. Make sure you chant loud enough so your guest might overhear you: if the magic does not work, at least they might get that clue.

Magic and polite hints are not working? It is time for something a bit stronger. Here are a few tricks I use regularly:

• Get someone (friend or family) to call you on the phone, and pretend there is an emergency of some sort ("Oh my god, it's my friend Alfred: it's his mother, she is in the hospital!..."). This one might need a little rehearsal in front of your mirror.
• Pick up a fight with your husband/wife/significant other. You can start with a few remarks that will make your guest uncomfortable enough to wish they were already on their way. Indiscrete revelations about your intimate conjugal issues tend to work very well, as your guests won't be tempted to provide advice or to take side. Escalate ad lib. until you reach the limit of their comfort zone. Do not hit each other, at least not too hard though: you want your guests to leave, not your partner!
• Pretend you are getting suddenly sick. Mention the recent trip you did in some exotic country well known for its dangerous contagious diseases.
• Pretend sudden death. Just drop in a weirdly contorted pose on your sofa, and stop moving. Try to foam at the mouth if you can. This is a trick you might not want to use too often with the same guests though, as its credibility tends to get lost in the repetition.

As a last resort, do as my grand-dad did to close a long and boring visit from some distant relatives: suddenly stand up, shake their hands while saying: "It was a real pleasure to see you again. Goodbye!", and push them gently but firmly toward the door... Sometimes, simpler is indeed simpler¡K

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