Wedding Menu. My brother is engaged to be married. He doesn’t know it yet, but below is the menu for his reception:

Main Courses

Lightly distressed beads of artichoke, smothered in a terrene of fizzy crab extract. Served with bread roll.

Portion of the unctuous squid. Cheeky fellow, floundering in a vegetable broth.

Baby moose hearts, cooked once, cooked twice, cooked thrice, and then substituted with a bread roll. Served with butter.

Cow cheeks, pan-fried. Garnished with nuggets of purest egg. Engorge your soul with this decadent fancy. You baddie!

Live Field Mouse. Impaled and struggling on the end of a cocktail stick. Eat up.

Meat cake. Meat shaped into a cake. Slice, chew, and swallow using neck.

Bread roll. Finest bread shaped into a roll. Basically, it is just a bread roll.

Desert

Death By Ethanol. Chocolate-chip muffin served with a litre of purest ethanol. Drink and feel death’s cold hand on your shoulder. Mortalicious!

King Of Puddings. Dainty meringue and light summer fruits crushed beneath the oppressive yoke of 5 gallons of dangerously hot custard. Submerge head in custard for a delicious taste of life as a political dissident in Yemen. Man o man, dat’s good eatin’.

Fruit Salad. Enormous fist of melon.