Stuffy Father in Breakfast Horror
VICTIM OF 'TOO EXTREME' CEREAL

A father of two died yesterday after eating a breakfast cereal described as ‘too extreme for squares’. Matthew Potts, 45, a regional accounts manager for a plastics firm in Kent, suffered a massive heart attack after tasting a spoonful of his son’s Golden Dudes. Despite the best efforts of ambulance staff, he was pronounced dead on arrival at Kent and Canterbury Hospital. A hospital spokesman described Mr Potts’ death as a tragedy, adding that “he was simply too square to be eating such an extreme cereal”.

Mr Potts’ family were receiving counselling today. It is thought that his son Kelly, 15 - who lists his hobbies as skateboarding, snow-boarding and dirt-biking – blames himself for his father’s death, telling friends “I should never have left the Dudes just lying around – I knew that Dad was too square to be able to withstand exposure to them.”

Professor Karin Francis, of the University of Cardiff, is an expert in the area of extremosity, and has carried out experiments involving the exposure of squares to extreme or radical materials. “In our trials, it was found that as little as half a Golden Dudes flake was sufficient to induce radical freakouts in individuals who were themselves insufficiently extreme to withstand the dosage. A broad cross-section of square individuals, from middle-aged civil servants to teenaged geeks and sad-monks, were found to be extremely susceptible. Given the level of Mr Potts’ squareness – he wore a suit, had sensible hair, enjoyed classical music, was respectful and polite etc. – he never stood a chance.”

Individuals who took part in Professor Francis’ trials experienced a wide range of extreme reactions after exposure to Golden Dudes, including hair standing on its end, ties becoming loosened and shirts unbuttoned, and glasses being jarred such that they became ‘wonky’. A small number of participants even found themselves being thrust into a poorly edited montage of scenes where they appeared to be participating in extreme sports such as skydiving, skateboarding and bungee jumping. It is believed that such an experience may have caused Mr Potts’ heart attack and ultimate death.

It seems likely that this latest incident will re-open the debate about whether so-called ‘extreme cereals’ should remain on open sale in supermarkets. Some hardliners also wish to see other extreme foodstuffs and beverages – such as Wrigley’s X-Cite gum, Sunny Delight and, to a lesser extent, Tracker bars – banned outright. There is also widespread concern about the supposed glamorisation of extreme foods in the media, with the likes of film star Vin Diesel and former Five singer Abs boasting of their regular use of such products, the latter claiming that he once ate four bowls of Golden Dudes in one sitting.

The family of another extreme cereal victim, Malcolm Chase, a 21 year-old geophysics student, have campaigned tirelessly for increased awareness of the dangers of extreme foods since his death last year. They courted controversy by allowing a photograph of his body – clothes and hair dishevelled, glasses smashed, and wearing a lopsided ‘far out’ grin – to be released to the press. However, it seems that the message still isn’t getting through to squares, old and young alike, with as many as 10, 000 experimenting with extreme foods every weekend.