Unbowed by recent controversies, which have seen him heavily criticised for telling Kosovan and Afghan asylum seekers to return to and rebuild their mother countries, and for suggesting that Asian families should speak English in their own homes, Home Secretary David Blunkett has courted further opprobrium by insisting on a ‘citizenship test’ for all immigrants applying to become naturalised Britons.

Despite strong condemnation from civil rights campaigners and groups representing asylum seekers, Blunkett was unrepentant, arguing that the continued health of the nation was dependent on the maintenance of certain “core values, which define the British people”.

“If this country is to remain a leading force in Europe, and in the world, it is our duty to ensure that the elements and national characteristics which have made us great in the past are not eroded as we strive toward a truly multi-ethnic society” said the blind Home Secretary yesterday. “If we are to move forward, we must be sure that those who would make their homes here are true to such great British virtues as guilt, self-hatred, sexual and emotional repression and stifled, poisonous rage at the rest of the world.”

The proposed ‘Citizenship Test’, which may ultimately be issued to all residents of the British Isles not born in either England or Wales (a decision is yet to be made on those born in Scotland or North Irelandshire), is composed of several hundred questions, designed to gauge the ‘Albionosity’ of the subject. A document leaked to The Clarion includes several of the items under consideration for the final questionnaire:

27) What are your feelings towards your husband/wife?
a) I love him/her
b) I am warmly respectful of him/her
c) I prefer not to bother myself with ‘feelings’. Such talk is odious to me.

35) Your eldest son comes to you and discloses that he thinks he may be gay. Do you:
a) Tell him that you are pleased that he has found himself, and that nothing could ever change your love for him
b) Advise him to talk to a female relative
c) Rustle your paper and cough loudly until he leaves the room. Then disinfect the room. And burn all his clothes. Except the underpants, which you keep.

111) With which of the following statements do you most agree?
a) Women today are more concerned with work than with home-making
b) Women today have got the balance between work and home-making about right
c) Women today are revolting husseys who care only about getting drunk, carousing, and inflaming the blood of respectable men with their short skirts and midriff-revealing ‘crop-tops’, positively inciting us to brutal sexual assault.

139) What are your feelings about America? a) I have deep admiration for their enterprise and creativity in all spheres – finance, technology, entertainment, media etc.
b) I loathe their arrogance, philistinism and emotional incontinence.
c) An unhealthy combination of the above, finding its most elegant expression in regular frenzies of shameful masturbation over the flickering image of a momentarily nude Michelle Pfeiffer in the film Dangerous Liasons.

Speaking at a packed press briefing, Blunkett insisted that it was in the interests of everyone that only the most awkward, stilted foreign nationals be allowed to stay in Britain, and further suggested that Asian families who do settle here should replace their traditional dress with highly starched dress-shirts and badly-fitting shoes. However, his words did little to mollify a volatile press-pack. When it was put to him that he seems likely to be remembered as the most autocratic Labour Home Secretary in history, and that he should resign immediately, Mr Blunkett replied “Leave me alone you bully – I’m blind in my eyes you know! Would anyone like to stroke my guide dog?” The briefing was adjourned shortly afterwards as the gathered journalists queued to pat Mr Blunkett’s guide dog.