BREAKTHROUGH IN FIGHT AGAINST CHILD MADNESS
Boffins Pinpoint 'Discipline as Potential Factor in ADHD Treatment

Top scientists yesterday went public with a new treatment for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, which many believe may be a significant step toward eradicating the spectre of this ‘child madness’ permanently. Also present at the press conference, held at the Institute of Learning and Developmental Psychology in Essex, was Lynn Barker, the housewife and mother credited as the pioneer of the procedure of ‘disciplining’.

Barker, 38, told how she stumbled upon the technique almost by accident, when her youngest son Tommy, 4, began to develop signs of ADHD: “For some time I had been worried about Tommy’s behaviour, which was becoming increasingly rambunctious, inquisitive and independent so, naturally, my first impulse was to reach for the Ritalin. I had used it with my eldest Jack, who is now as docile and compliant a child as you could ever wish for.”

However, one day, after a particularly trying incident when Tommy repeatedly refused to sit down quietly in front of the television, Lynn made her breakthrough. She went on: “He was being so troublesome, I was at my wits end. I said to him something like ‘Thomas, you had better just sit quietly if you want to go to your friend’s birthday party next week’. And do you know, he just walked back to the sofa and sat down. Not a single pill had passed his lips, but there he was, quiet as a mouse, not even causing a fuss. I didn’t understand. But over the next couple of weeks, I tried to lay off the Ritalin, and began talking to my children – negotiating with them if you will – and the results were unbelievable.”

She contacted her GP, worried that they were behaving in such a manner drug-free, who in turn contacted the Institute of Learning and Developmental Psychology. A group of psychologists, headed by Professor Adrian Kirwan, in conjunction with Mrs Barker, have honed the technique of communication, negotiation and occasional punishment into a treatment package they call ‘Discipline’.

Dr Kirwan said yesterday “Literally anyone can ‘discipline’ their child. While we do not recommend anyone attempting to use this procedure at home as yet, we can confirm that the results of initial trials have been very encouraging.”

Novartis CEO, Daniel Novella, however, took a rather more sceptical view, warning of potentially devastating consequences should parents take yesterday’s news at face value: “Regardless of what Professor Kirwan might say, there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that this so-called ‘discipline’ has any positive effects whatsoever. If anything, much anecdotal evidence I have heard suggests that it seems to whip children up into ever-greater frenzies of playfulness and curious energy. The idea of parents abandoning Ritalin in favour of this mumbo-jumbo I find, frankly, frightening. Moreover, it makes no sense, especially given the imminent release of our new and delicious sour-fruit flavour ‘Skittalins’. Never has psychotropic medication been so easy – or delicious!”

Nonetheless, many parents of children diagnosed as ADHD have reacted with excitement to the news. This most recent breakthrough, along with last week’s encouraging reports from Dutch scientists regarding the so-called ‘Get A Fucking Grip’ programme of treatment for teenage depression, has led experts to predict that, within 5 years, less than 7 out of 10 people in Europe and the US will be reliant on mood-altering drugs such as Ritalin and Prozac. Pharmaceutical giants Novartis and GlaxoSmithKline have joined forces to condemn what they have called ‘this nightmare scenario’, stressing that they are ‘only worried about you and your children, you ungrateful fucking maggots’.