Tuesday 5th August 2003 – What Colour is a Chow’s Tongue?

Kneel before me, for I am your new God.

Last night saw Mars Attacks! capture the Three Pigeons Monday Night Quiz trophy for an unprecedented third consecutive week, recovering from a slow start to strut imperiously over the finishing line as opponents trailed pathetically in their intellectual wake. And while some may quibble with the use of the term ‘intellectual’ to describe the achievements of a team who hauled themselves back into contention by scoring 10 out of 10 in the ‘recognise these photocopied pictures of celebrities ‘ round (points ‘earned’ from instantly recognising a grainy photo of former Eastenders chubster Jack Ryder are bittersweet indeed), the fact is that we won, and have been rightly crowned as immortal trivia ubermenschen (and madchen), our achievements to echo down the ages.

Special mention must go to Jane ‘Pitbull’ Palmer, the beating heart, and unbelievably competitive soul of the outfit. After weeks of lobbying for a Dog Round, she was finally rewarded last night with the question “What colour is a Chow’s tongue?” Loudly celebrating even before the quizmaster had finished asking the question, Palmer knew her time had come. But wait! It is blackey-blue! The curse of being an expert is that you can’t legislate for the stupidity of others – what if the quizmaster has ‘Blue’ or ‘Black’ as his official answer, and ‘Blackey-Blue’ is considered unacceptable.

Woah! I can imagine you are getting worried now. Don’t. A few quiet words of subtle intimidation into the quizmaster’s ear by the Pitbull ensured that ‘Blackey-Blue’ would be acceptable as an answer. The point was safe. Get in.

Obviously, I have made a massive point of the Chow question, deliberately exaggerating the truth of what happened for humorous effect. Jane did not really threaten the quizmaster or nobble opposing teams. Although she genuinely did bellow “YES!” and punch the air as the Chau question was being read out. It was a big moment.

Thankfully there was no bitter and childish booing this week. Our opponents took their whuppings like men, and we were greeted with hearty applause at the end. However, we may soon prove to be victims of our own success. In truth, I would be slightly embarrassed if we won again next week – if some other team won every week I would be annoyed, and it would soon stop being fun. Plus, we’ve been invited by the quizmaster to run the quiz in an unspecified week to come! That will look like a massive pisstake, surely. I don’t like the idea….