Friday 29th August, 2003 - Bad Things That Must Be Smashed.

My heart sank yesterday, when I read that the new film by Richard Curtis (director of the vile Four Weddings and a Funeral, and the malodorous Notting Hill) is to be called 'Love Actually'. Ugh. Presumably, the title will be uttered at some point by gimlet-eyed, egomaniac and blow-job enthusiast Hugh Grant, as he reclines lazily into his default stuttering, bumbling, uptight Englishman character.

"Well, it it it it, is w-w-w-well, it's l-l-l-love actually."

Even more astonishingly, Hugh Grant is to star as the newly-elected Prime Minister, who falls in love with his tealady. Played by Martine McCutcheon. The mind boggles. Does the world need another humourless smug-fest from Curtis and his goons? Is there really an audience for another bewilderingly unfunny trip into his weird vision of an ethnically-cleansed London, populated solely by loveable, White, upper-middle class eccentrics? I hope not. If only the people of Great Britain could rally together to put a stop to this kind of thing. We have the power.

Boycott all Hugh Grant films. On video, on DVD, at the pictures.

Slap anyone you hear using the phrase 'bling bling' (especially if they are using it to describe a gaudy, blockish, TopShop-bought rhinestone-effect belt).

Also slap anyone who refers to Justin Timberlake as 'Justin Trousersnake' (especially if that person begins to say 'Justin Timberl….' and then stops himself, to say 'Justin Trousersnake' as if he were the first person ever to do so).

Turn off the TV when the horrible new Lilt advert comes on, with the unpleasant, rump-shaking new Lilt ladies. Where are the old Lilt ladies? Where is the Lilt man, who said 'Lobsters on South beach'? He was the best.

Also, turn off the telly when the Nissan Micra advert comes on - the one that tells you to 'speak Micra'. Smirkingly tell people that you have always found Micras to be 'Ugreliable' and throw Nissan's conceit ingeniously right back in their greedy faces.

These are the Bad things in society that must be smashed. SMASHED.

Also, social injustice etc. This too must be SMASHED. But SMASH the others first. The social injustice thing will probably follow.