Monday 15th September – A Lazy, Boring Entry by a Busy Man.

Over on Scaryduck, a poll is being held to determine the 'worst musical act of all time'. This is one of the advantages of actually having 'a readership'. You can conduct these kinds of polls, which are interesting in their own right, but also have the advantage of doing much of your work as a weblogger for you. One day I will conduct my own enormous polls*. General elections will be fought out on these very pages. Prime Ministers will beg the electorate for another chance, using crazy, real-time, flash-interface technology**. But until that day, I will make do with commenting on other people's polls.

So far, the nominations have been a bit disappointing, with everybody going for the same, predictable list of offenders: Celine Dion, Spice Girls, Peter Andre, Cheeky Girls, David Hasslehoff etc. I guess it depends on the nomination criteria, but are these acts really more offensive than the likes of Stereophonics, Radiohead, Coldplay, etc? Of course the likes of the Cheeky Girls are utterly risible. Their music is silly, and they are grotesque, skeletal, rodent-faced nutters. But, I can't help feeling that they are essentially harmless, as are Kylie, Danni, S Club Juniors, and all the other pop-moppets who attract so much ire from 'real' music fans. I feel far more angry toward those bands who churn out tedious, worthy, bland rock and indie music and get feted as great artists. These are the bands who must be SMASHED.

Scary held a similar poll for the worst film of all time a little while ago. It had a similar conflict going on - the eventual winner was the interminable, pompous Apocalypse Now, closely followed by Freddy Got Fingered, the film that is said to represent the low-water mark of the 'gross-out' comedy genre. Apples and pears surely? But a poll is a poll, and it was conducted fairly and logically. I nominated Moulin Rouge, which subsequently made the Top Ten. I was invited to write a review, to recommend it to the voting public. I've re-produced it below, but in hindsight, I'm struck by the amount of swearing in it. Sorry.

"A shrill, cunty, bewildering, pissed-up drama student of a film: like spending an hour with the world’s most annoying, deeley-boppered teenaged girl ‘ironically’ shrieking ABBA songs into your ear. The universally abominable cast smugly jockey for position and attempt to out-bellow and out-mug one another against an ugly, garish backdrop that makes Paris look like an enormous trifle.

Thoroughly post-modern in its utter wankery, Moulin Rouge is a film deeply in love with itself. “Oh Moulin Rouge, I love you – you are so very audacious and clever”, “No Moulin Rouge, it is YOU who is a hilarious, deliciously camp homage to all things fabulous!”

As with all kitsch, it is an affront to all that is GENUINELY fun, joyous, and uncomplicated. And at the core of this tasteless, humourless, brash, smug turd of a film lies the wizened, cynical heart of super-dilletante and all round cock Baz Luhrrman. If ever a man needed a slap… Worst of all, this film was so universally praised, that to say you hated it was to be branded a sour, joyless curmudgeon. The injustice…

To summarise:
Everyone in it is shit. The script is shit. The direction is shit. The whole thing, as a whole is wholly SHIT. And if you like it you are a twat. Is that unfair?"

I think that's a pretty reasonable summary. It was an atrocious film. But my words clearly didn't carry enough weight, and it trailed in a distant 8th out of 10. Oh well.

I would like to hold polls. I would like to hold a poll for the best fictional band name ever. Punks Cruising For Burgers began life as the name for a fictional band, and I think it would be hard to top this. If anyone has any suggestions on this score, feel free to enter them into the guestbook. Rest assured that, if nothing is entered, I will assume, not that I have a readership of essentially zero, but that I have a large, dedicated, but hip readership, who have better things to do with their time than make stupid comments in some ego-maniac's online guestbook. So don't worry.

*Ha ha. I said 'enormous polls'.

** I have no idea what these terms mean. I must have heard someone use them once, so I thought I would use them too.

In other news, I am pleased to say that the poo-deadlock has been broken. The reality of our bowel movements has been acknowledged by one of my colleagues. Unfortunately, it was forced on her by circumstance, but I'm still pleased that the lines of poo-communication have been opened.

The nice lady in my office has just returned from holiday, but has returned with a stomach bug. She was caught unawares earlier, and left with no choice but to use our collective toilet. Only the two of us were in the office, and she came out rather shame-faced and recommended that I give it at least 15 minutes before venturing inside.

Plus, I am disappointed to learn that my soul is worth only £12, 016, and that 70% of people have a purer sold than me. This website told me so.