| THE GERBILARIUM | |||
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Welcome to the new and improved Gerbilarium. From now on, only fun and also danger for your eyes. And also, boredom. Be good!
Friday, 15th August, 2003 – Very Old It was my 26th birthday yesterday. I feel old. I feel old, but I am not allowed to say it, as whenever I say, “I feel old”, someone older than me tells me “You’re not old!”, and since it is true that I am not as old as them, I just have to shrug and say “I suppose so”. But it is true. I feel old. Old in the standard “Oh shit, I am 26 and where exactly is my life headed?” way, but also old in the “I don’t understand the world anymore” way. When reading big, boring broadsheet newspapers (old), I am often told that CDs are in imminent danger of becoming obsolete, and that, in a few short years we will all be downloading our music from the internet, using MP3 players and so on. I have no idea how that is done. And, more worryingly, I sort of don’t want to know. I’m developing a strange, curmudgeonly, stubborn technological blind spot. It is not quite a case of taking pride in my ignorance of all that is new-fangled (old), but it’s close. Similarly, I’ve no idea how to download special ringtones onto my mobile phone. And again, I take a pathetic, fogeyish degree of pride in the fact. This is sad, but every time some fool’s phone starts shrilly playing Scooter’s ‘The Logical Song’, I feel vindicated, in the way only a bitter, jealous luddite can. It is the little things that make you feel really old. Last night, after a dinner of over-priced Jamie Oliver-style steak (Jamie Oliver-style meaning he claims to have developed them for Sainsburys, not that the steak has enormous, saliva-drenched lips, swollen tongue and tiny, jaded, gimlet eyes) and chips, we went to Woking’s famous ‘Big Apple’ for an evening of leisure. Eschewing The Apple’s tempting deals on pool, Laser Quest, and 2 plates of chicken-style nuggets and chips for just £5, we headed straight for the bowling alley. It was fairly quiet, as the most popular night of the week is Wednesday, or ‘Wicked Wednesday’ as they call it, due to the discounted rates. Now, even I understand that the term ‘wicked’ now means something other than evil. It also means good. Confusing for some, but even I am young enough to make sense of this. But I was baffled by other promotions advertised within the Big Apple. Behind the counter were posters for forthcoming promotions called ‘Summer Chaos’ and ‘Monday Madness’. I know I am missing the point, and the fact that I am even thinking about this is proof that I am beyond the point of no return, but to me, the notions of chaos and madness have always been terrifying, not enticing. I don’t want to go anywhere where there will be chaos. It sounds horrible. And I’m sure when they say ‘madness’ they mean that they are offering some kind of discount that might lead some very credulous folk to question the sanity of the Big Apple’s management. But all the same, I felt disinclined to find out. We went straight home, locked the doors, and wrapped ourselves up snugly on the sofa to watch our video of ‘Heartbeat’ repeats. And then pissed ourselves. |
