gufhstejhjks
depression sucks ass.

current desire: i wanna play bass guitar

yay!
my dad finally turned the internet back on on the computer behind him! i can update my blogs at home!!! yay!!!! yesterday i went to maggies to jam with her and lisa and it was AWESOME!!! i now want an electric base guitar!!!! electric bass is awesome! THAT WAS REALLY COOL MAGGIE! thanks for inviting me!!!

Current Desire: Get an electric bass and jam with maggie and co.!

stuff.
i'm in english. just another opportunity to update. not much to write i guess...i've started playing final fantasy seven again...it's a great game. it's fun to play...but it will never fill that emptyness i've felt for so long. i don't think anyone or anything can fill it anymore. something is missing...just like it always has been. i want to move on...i want too much. if i didn't exist this hell would not exist. for me there is nothing more. i don't really know what i am going to do with my life...i could get a job as a computer programmer...might be able to become a comedian...might take a job composing music...i ight be able to write novels for a living...there is so much i could do...i don't really know what i want to do though...the emptiness in my soul is growing and my hatred is ever flowing. My sorrow runs deep in my blood. i want nothing more than to be freed from this hell i live constantly every day. there is nothing anyone can do for me anymore that can end it. i am lost forever in the darkness of my own mind. all i can say anymore is goodbye because i'm losing everything...everything i thought i had.

Current Desire: to be immune to pain. all kinds of pain. physical and emotional alike.

*is at school*
i'm at school...here is an update finally...i hate the long intervals...but i can't do anything about it much. anyways, i'm kinda whateverish...the only happiness i have at the moment is from my music stuff...otherwise i'm freaking depressed out of my mind. yeah...people see to be able to leave messages now...sorry if i don't get back to you quickly enough...yeah...ever have those kinda things where you become really rather depressed...just because you think about what the future holds...i did last night...i realized that at the end of the year, i'll lose major contact to a really awesome friend. you know who you are maggie. i don't want to lose touch with you...can we do thins together after high school? cause i want to know you so much...if i didn't then i'd be lost in my own sorrow...i'm sorry...

Current Desire: Play Final Fantasy Seven.

i'm in english
i'm here updating again. depression is my only friend...it makes me hurt and want and hate. i want to forget all those feelings...all those wants. but i can't. i can't just shut them off. what do i have to do? what do i need to do to forget? i can't forget...because when i try i just remeber more. i try to move my feelings aside, but they strain against it. i am trapped in a world with no acceptance, no understanding...no hope. i don't want to know what i know...but i do. and everytime i think of it, my hatred grows more. someone save me from this pain i feel. someone save me from these wants i know. i want to forget. i want to run away...i want to live a differant life. there is nothing for me. nothing can help me. nothing will save me. i am doomed to live my life with nothing but sorrow. i hate myself. i hate the realizations. i hate i hate i hate. i don't know anything. i am not smart enough. i am not good enough. i am not skilled enough. i am pathetic and i know it. i am worthless and it will never change.

Current desire: i want to do absolutely nothing

finally...an update
i'm in the tech lab. i am playing around on the keyboard...seeing what i can do. i'm kinda having fun...but there should be computer club...but there isn't...so i'm here...been rather depressed all day...for reasons i want to forget...i'm bored as all hell here now...only a few things spice it up for me anymore. ugh...like i said before, all the things i want to put in here come to me at the worst times...i forget them later. sorry for the late update. my comp won't let me update, so i hafta come to school to do it or at someones house. i feel rather crappy...but on an upside kinda, we are going to play my song that i arranged at the concert...uh...that's in a few days...we better get practicing. i hope maggie is alright. she has been gone today...i don't know why. i hope she is alright...i'll update soon...maybe.

i'm in the library tee hee
hi...i'm here...in the library...heh heh...i'm working on my english paper...and two german exchange students are sitting on the other side of the table...oh well. i'm fine, so yeah i have to go though....not the greatest update....but is an update! bye

Current Desire: talk to maggie of course

english
i'm in english. still updating at school. i want to talk about a few things. there are a few sayings that truely mean anything to me. these sayings are "people don't always want what they can have", "it is better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all" these mean a lot too me...because they are true. i have experienced every bit of them...and sure...it hurts...but it is a wonderous experience. love is a wonderful and terrible thing...

wee i'm at school again
yeah...computer club isn't the most eventful club...but things happen...plus time to work on stuff on the computer at school. but yeah...last night, i said a lot to someone. i wrote everything i wanted to write for a long time. i don't know if it did anything...but i won't know for sure...unless they say something. i feel better since that depression episode...but now i'm thinking a lot about stuff. i'm thinking about whether i should have done things i hadn't...and what people might be thinking about me...i don't know...right now there is little for me to say...so very little...cause i don't want everything to fall. i say things best and worst during night...because i'm tired and my mind lets things loose. this may splurge my feelings out all over the floor...to messy for anyone to pick up. i want you all to know...that i may not know who is reading this...but i know you think you know me. you may think that...but a lot more go's on in my head than you think. the problem is it isn't always expressable in words. i hope to update soon.

Current Desire: I want things to go the way my mind has thought. i want my life to be like a story...to be like a game...but it won't happen...i know it won't...

i'm at brians
i'm over at my friend brians house...i just bought tony hawk underground so he's off playing it. i just wanted to write about last night. i went to see katy harms's play. it was awesome. i could relate a lot to what was going on...and the play made me cry a little...the thing is though...my mom has three kinds of depression. one is were she is usually just down a little if not a lot. another is where she has periods where she is fine and then periods when she is REALLY depressed. another is one i can't remember. but i think i have at least one. i think it is the one where i get REALLY depressed sometimes for no obvious reasons. last night, after the play, i was waitng outside and i started thinking about the play...then it turned to me thinking about myself, and i got really depressed. my sister picked me up and i acted as if i were fine. when i got home, my parents were having a "discussion" so i went upstairs. i wrote up another profile thing because i couldn't update my blog. i went downstairs and the rest of my family were talking and i rushed past them and got some stuff. then i rushed upstairs and became so depressed when i got in my room. last night...was the worst i have ever felt. i was so sad...so very sad for absolutely no reason. i wanted to do only one thing. i wanted to talk to maggie...i thought she would understand...but she didn't even ask how i felt...that made me feel worse...but don't blame yourself maggie...please don't...i just want to write out my feelings...i'm sorry...to the few people who care...i'm so sorry everyone.

Current desire: to crawl up somewhere and die.