I glance at Buffy over the table laid out with all the Christmas stuff you’d expect: turkey, veggies, ham, little red and green decorations. It all looks pretty good, and so far everything tastes amazing. Even the little brat is on her best behaviour for this. We’re all in good moods, eating and being merry like we’re supposed to be on Christmas day, but I can’t shake the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach; that I kinda don’t fit. They’re treating me like one of their own, and I know I am after all we went through. . .but I guess last night threw me for a loop and I’m feeling kinda shaky.
Buffy smiles at me and I smile back, but I know it’s not getting to my eyes. She can tell; her smile drops a little, but then she’s back to being happy-Buffy, full of the joys of turkey and stuffing and feeling good after some pretty hot sex the night before. I’m feeling good about the sex too, less good about what was said after.
It’s not like it was that bad, just unexpected. I hadn’t thought about everything that would come along with being with Buffy, especially now she has a kid. I don’t know if I’m ready for it all. I know I’m ready for her, but as for everything else. . .I never thought of myself as the family type. When she’d brought it up I froze. Stupid that I didn’t think that far ahead, but I’d never even thought as far as Buffy finally wanting to be with me so I can’t really be blamed.
Buffy asks me to pass the gravy and our fingers touch as I do. I feel the electricity all over from it. Just a simple touch. It’s always been that way, but after last night I guess it’s bound to be more obvious.
Once we’d started kissing we couldn’t stop. The floodgates were open. She told me she wanted me, and I let her have me. There was no way I couldn’t.
Her hands slid over me on top of my clothes and I did the same, laying back into the pillows so she was resting on me more. I shifted my legs and she fell between them, our lips hungry for each other, kissing deep and hard. Her little moans were driving me nuts as our tongues slipped and plunged, and my hands travelled all over her back and ass.
“You’re such a good kisser,” she said as she brushed her lips over my neck.
I couldn’t think straight. I was wet already, my body burning for her.
“Not bad yourself,” I pointed out licking my lips, my fingers drifting under the bottom of her shirt.
As my fingertips hit her soft skin at her sides she shuddered, her lips pressing firmer against my throat as she sucked. A little moan escaped me as I drowned under the feel of her against me and the things she was doing to my neck. Pushing up into her only made things hotter. She pushed back, her body fitting perfect with mine, her heat starting a fire between us. We moved against one another, needing more, needing to feel each other. I was getting so turned on, every movement she made making my clit throb for her.
My hands ran up her sides and back down, thumbs brushing the curve of her breasts before moving back to her ass. We were kissing again, hot and heavy, breaths coming out in sighs and soft moans. I wanted to push further. I needed to feel her, make her mine. . .but I wasn’t running the show, she was. There’s no way I was gonna fuck it up by rushing ahead of her. I showed her what she was doing to me by rolling my hips up into her more fully, our pussies grinding together through our clothes. It wasn’t just me that groaned, we both did.
“Faith,” Buffy gasped as I rolled again, my hands on her ass pulling her into me.
She didn’t hesitate in grinding down on me, her forehead resting against mine as she hovered above me. I looked up at her and all I saw was her beauty and how much she wanted me. I flicked my tongue over her top lip, and smiled just as she did.
“You’re making me so fucking wet, B,” I told her, my heart racing in my chest.
“I’m right there with you on that one,” she confessed.
I wanted to feel it. Wanted to know just how wet and what it would feel and taste like. My mind was spinning and my heart pounding, and before I knew it Buffy had her hand under my shirt, her fingers teasing over my rock hard nipple.
“Fuck,” I sighed, all kindsa uncool.
“I didn’t think we’d get to that yet,” Buffy said with a grin, “but yeah. . .I want to.”
She pulled on my nipple and I gripped her ass, my nails digging in just a little. Got me a nice moan in my ear as Buffy tried to ease the need she was feeling by rubbing herself over me. I really wanted our clothes gone. I wanted to be in a bed with lotsa room to roll around and explore every inch of her, but we didn’t have that. We had a couch, and people upstairs. I know we shoulda stopped, but I was so ready, and she’d basically told me she wanted us to fuck. No way could I stop what was bound to happen.
I sucked on her bottom lip and gave in to what was happening. My mind was screaming at me to rip Buffy’s clothes off, but I listened to the sensible voice inside me telling me to follow her lead. I didn’t have to wait long, but she didn’t go ripping my clothes off – probably for the best given the circumstances – she skipped right past that and slipped her hand from my breasts and down into my shorts.
I moaned deeply, my legs falling open as her fingers brushed over the top of my pussy.
Lifting herself up a little, she left a small space between us. Her eyes were so green, hardly any hazel in them at all as she looked right into me.
“Can I touch you?” she asked all breathless and low. “I wanna feel you so much.”
Her fingers were tickling over my folds, not yet slipping inside them to feel how wet I was. It felt like there was a fucking octopus inside me, wriggling around in my belly as I held onto that moment. I’d wanted her for so long. Wanted her to touch me like that. To love me like that. Here she was, asking my permission, making me melt in all kindsa ways. It was about the most girly I’d ever felt my entire life. I wasn’t a bottom, I was top, a “roll ‘em over and fuck them crazy” kinda girl, but she flipped that on its head and I didn’t care. Right then. . .I just wanted her to touch me.
“Fuck yes,” I replied, pushing up against her fingers, causing them to slip between my folds.
We both trembled as her fingers slid over my clit, my pussy covering her with arousal. I really was fucking soaked. Never been so wet from so little.
“You’re so soft,” Buffy mumbled against my mouth, the little smile I could feel making my heart flutter.
I crashed my lips back into Buffy’s and took a chance that she wanted me to touch her too. She didn’t say stop when I wriggled my fingers into her panties, in fact she shifted her weight a little so I could get to her better. We shared a grin and I dipped my fingers into her, spreading her pussy so I could feel how wet she was. She coated my fingers and I closed my eyes as I explored. It was fucking heaven. She was dripping for me, soft, wet and warm. Just perfect. And her little clit was hard and needy as I slipped over it, making her moan my name into my neck.
We moved slowly at first, fingers circling and teasing, lips kissing faces and necks as we breathed all hot and heavy. Her little moans mixed up with mine as we tried to be quiet but finally enjoyed the sensation of being so close to each other. I coulda stayed that way forever, just on the edge; so close her scent was all I could smell, her touch all I could feel.
My fingers drifted inside her and she sighed deep and loud, like she’d been wanting me to do that from the first moment we’d met, years ago when neither of us were in the right place to let go. We both let go this time, Buffy’s fingers slipping deep into my pussy. I rocked up into her hand and she drove down into me, her body moving perfectly with mine.
“Oh God, Faith,” Buffy murmured into my hair, her body trembling as I plunged into her, my palm rubbing up over her clit in the close confinement between us. “That feels so good.”
Her sighing breaths were sexy as hell as we slid our fingers into each other deep and hard, needing to make it real; make it hold us together like never before. Buffy pressed into my clit as I did into hers and we both moaned as we fought to breathe and take each other over the edge.
“I’m gonna come so hard, Faith,” Buffy gasped as I stroked in and out, her walls clamping down on my fingers as she rode them.
“Shit, Buffy,” I gasped as Buffy rubbed up inside me, copying my movements exactly so we could both feel the same. “Oh fuck yeah.”
Buffy moaned my name out as she came with me, our free hands clinging as we rode out our climax. The air was hot and full of our scent and all I wanted to do was kiss Buffy until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I felt completely wrapped in her, fingers covered in her come as I slid them out and held her tight. She did the same, resting on me, lips brushing over mine as we both basked. It felt fucking perfect, even though I wanted her naked skin on mine. Even though we were crammed onto a couch and not alone, not really able to continue what we’d started. It was still more than I coulda hoped for.
The basking was nice and it lasted at least an hour. We just kissed after I pulled the cover over us, touching softly, no words beyond the few we could speak.
I told her she was beautiful, she told me I had always been in her thoughts, and in her fantasies. We told each other how much we wanted each other, how it had always been that way. The night ticked by and we both got sleepy, our eyes closing as Buffy lay on top of me between my legs. She rested her head on my chest and I stroked my fingers over her back, the biggest smile plastered on my face.
“I wanna be with you, Faith,” Buffy mumbled sleepily. “I don’t want to waste any more time.”
“Me either, B,” I replied, feeling my heart swelling, my insides filling up with Buffy.
For a second I’d thought she’d drifted off to sleep, but then she continued, her voice tired and low, almost a whisper.
“I want you to be part of my family,” she muttered. “Maybe we could have a family of our own. . .a baby. I’d like to have your baby,” she finished with a little giggle.
My eyes shot open wide and body stiffened. She felt it right away. A baby? I mean, apart from the fact it’s not actually possible for her to have my baby. . .that’s some scary shit right there. I hadn’t thought past just being with her. I knew right then she wanted it all, though. The whole thing. The total commitment. The babies and white picket fence.
I can admit, it scared me.
“I know, it doesn’t sound possible. . .but with magic and our own totally powerful witch, we could have a baby one day,” Buffy continued, waking up a little more, her eyes searching for mine in the soft light of the lamp. “I’d really like Lucy to have a little sister or something.”
The more she said the worse I felt. I know I wanted to spend my life with her. Every part of me needed her. . .but she was saying too much too soon. I freaked.
“Hold up, B. . .you’re going a little fast,” I told her, sitting up a little, causing her to move from between my legs.
“But I thought we wanted the same thing. I thought we were finally at a place we could. . .”
“I do want you, Buffy,” I assured. “I’m just. . .this is. . .”
I couldn’t get the words out. Didn’t actually know what I wanted to say. She got the message though, and was up and off me before I could stop her.
“Was this just a fuck, Faith?” she asked, looking down at me, the hurt obvious in her eyes.
“No, B,” I said firmly. “I just don’t know if I’m ready for. . .everything.”
“Everything meaning commitment, meaning Lucy, meaning wanting a future together,” she shot back, her hands on her hips and head shaking.
I swung my legs round so I was sitting on the edge of the couch, hand running through my hair, trying to think of a way to fix things. I couldn’t fix it, though; I was somewhere out in stupid-land being stupid, freaking out about something I knew deep down I wanted too. I wanted my life with her, but I couldn’t get past the fear. Couldn’t get past the knowledge that I knew nothing about commitment and ‘happy families’, and all that other bullshit.
“Buffy,” I said softly, gazing up at her, wanting to stop the sad look in her eyes, “you know how I feel about you. I. . .” I couldn’t get the words out.
I wanted to tell her I love her, but my mind was racing in circles and all I could think about was running before I fucked it up completely.
“I get it, Faith,” Buffy said slowly, taking a deep breath before continuing. “You need time to adjust,” she told me, and I nodded. “I’m asking for everything here, not just a good time between the sheets. I understand why you might freak out a little. This is a big deal. . .for both of us.”
I nodded again, rubbing at my brow with my fingers. She sounded like she understood, but she also still sounded hurt. It’s something I hadn’t meant to do. I never wanted to hurt her again, I was just staring something in the face that I’d never dared to really dream of.
Now, sitting near her at the dinner table, all I can think about is the fear of fucking up something that could be so good. I can’t see past it to the things she said, to how much it sounded like something I could want. I know I have to talk to her, we didn’t get chance last night as she left to go sleep with Lucy after I’d nodded and basically let her know I’m not as ready as I thought I was.
She didn’t get mad. She didn’t leave on a bad note, Buffy just looked sad. My hopes had been as high as hers and I feel sad too. Sad that I’m not good at this kinda crap. Sad that I had to screw it up after we’d finally taken the plunge. I hope it can be fixed before it’s too late again. We need to sit and talk. . .but not until after I’m done with feeling the urge to run. That urge goes way back, it’s a whole big part of me I can’t ignore and it creeps up on me when I really don’t want it to. I hope she gets that I do love her, though. Obviously more than I’m able to say.
“Mom, can I play with my new Barbies now?” Lucy asks as we start to clear away the table.
“Of course, but give Faith a break before forcing her to play too,” Buffy tells her. “I’m pretty sure she’d like the chance to sit down at some point today.”
The kid giggles and nods, looking over at me all coy and shy. I’d given her a good few solid hours of Faith-time, letting her pull me around by the hand and have me sit on the floor with her new toys and stuff. She just wants somebody new to play with, I can’t really get mad for that. It’s not like I have anything better to do other than brood a little at myself and try not to get too close to Buffy.
All I wanna do is pull Buffy into my arms and kiss the hell outta her, but that wouldn’t be fair on her. It’d just confuse stuff more, not that she can’t tell I’m totally into her no matter what. I can’t keep my eyes off her. She looks gorgeous today, dressed all nice with just a little hint of sexy. I know the sexy part’s for me and it’s making me grin to myself more than I’d like to admit. Can’t help it if all it takes is for her to lick her lips or look up at me through her eyelashes to get me wanting to rip her clothes off. I still have the memory of her pussy around my fingers, the smell of her, the way she sounded and the way she moved. I want that again, I know that much.
We make our way into the living room, Willow chuckling again about how her presents were wrapped. She couldn’t get over the fact she found it almost impossible to get into any of ‘em. It was almost as fun watching her rip at them as she was having doing it. See, I know how to wrap, it’s all in the quantity not the quality.
As most of the guys make their way to collapse onto the couch and stuff I hang back, thinking about slipping out onto the porch to smoke a cig. I haven’t smoked for almost two years now, but I’m feeling kinda antsy. I finally got Buffy, and here I am too scared to go the rest of the way. It’s messed up, I know, but seriously. . .I don’t think I’m ready to do the parent thing.
“Hey,” Buffy says to me, moving back towards me as Lucy dives onto Kennedy’s lap on the couch.
“Hey,” I respond, feeling just a little silly for not having anything more to say.
She smiles softly at me and runs her fingers over my lower back, gesturing for us to go into the kitchen. I raise an eyebrow and follow. Guess I can only avoid being alone with her for so long.
“You had a good day so far, Faith?” Buffy asks me as she leans against the kitchen counter.
I smile and nod, feeling the urge to press against her and hold her there so I can kiss her. I don’t, choosing to stay at a safe distance instead.
“You can get closer yunno?” Buffy says with a chuckle. “I’m not gonna tie you to me so you can’t get away. I know the score.”
Wait, she knows the score? Hell, I don’t know the score. I just know I’m stupid, and that I’m getting wigged about finally having something I want in my life; Buffy’s love.
“The score?” I ask, moving just a little closer.
“I can wait. . .for you to stop freaking I mean,” she tells me. “And you will stop freaking; then we can have much more sex and finally do that happy thing together,” she finishes with a grin.
I raise my eyebrows and chuckle. Seems like she’s got this worked out better than I have.
“Guess I just never thought about all the responsible stuff,” I say quietly, trying my best to look her in the eye. “Don’t doubt that I wanna be with you, it’s just. . .”
Once again I can’t explain myself. It’s gotta be pissing her off, but she doesn’t show me that; not like she woulda done in the past.
“We’ll get there, Faith,” Buffy says, stepping close to me and taking my hand in hers. “I don’t want to have to wait forever - it doesn’t sound much like fun – but I’m not gonna push you further away by making you decide now. I want you in my life. I want you here, with me. . .with my family.”
She strokes the fingers of her other hand over my cheek and I close my eyes. It’s hard for me to understand what she’s saying let alone fully believe the words. I never imagined her saying that to me, not beyond my deepest fantasies. I want it, I do. . .but is it too much? I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with everything she wants.
I stop thinking when I feel Buffy’s lips gently press against mine. She kisses me soft and slow, not pushing it further or getting us both worked up so we can’t think straight. Her lips are sweet and tender, and full of promise.
“I’ll wait for you,” Buffy whispers as she pulls away.
Just about makes my heart burst to hear that, and to know she means it. To know what she feels without her having to say it. And I do need a timeout to figure out my own shit. Hell, I have a life back in London. I have responsibility there, and even though I had a huge gaping void that I wanted Buffy to fill. . .I can’t just walk away from that without being sure I can handle it. If I be with her, it’s for life, with everything that goes with that. With everything she needs.
“Faith!” Ken shouts from the other room, breaking the silence me and Buffy were sharing comfortably. “Giles is on the phone.”
I smile at Buffy and tell Ken I’ll be right in. I place a quick kiss on Buffy’s lips and have to force myself away from them.
When I get into the living room Kennedy doesn’t look too happy. She’s holding out the phone to me with an apologetic expression. I take it from her and watch Buffy go sit by Lucy as Giles says a quick merry Christmas and then gets to work on telling me I need to fly right back. He tells me there’s a vamp nest causing chaos out there and it needs stamping out before the locals get a clue. They have a leader, and he ain’t stupid. He’s organising midnight raids on fucking kid’s homes and shit. Obviously I can’t say I won’t go, so I tell him I’ll pack right up and be ready for the flight he already has booked.
I don’t wanna leave - I really don’t - but maybe it’ll be best this way. I’ll get to think clear without having Buffy right there making me all kindsa needy with wanting her. I’ll go do my duty, my job, and kick this vampire’s ass right back to hell. . .then I’ll deal with myself. I’ll kick my own ass a few times and hope I can stop myself making a huge mistake that’ll leave me empty for the rest of my life.