Memory In Mind

Chapter Four

The bottom of the glass glinted in the dim light of the bar, a sheen of thick brown substance lying in wait for more to follow, its strong scent perforating the air, calling out to anyone who cared to listen. Whispering of lost hope, and promises of muffling the screaming that was normally too loud to ignore.

Faith held the glass tightly in her firm grip, willing herself to put it to one side, to forget about how the taste, the promise, called to her. She had lost all hope, yet still looked. Still believed in the vow her heart had made without her permission. The only way to dull the ache, erase the thoughts, was to drink.

She had seen her mother do the same thing, until she’d killed herself with lost hope.

“Hey, want that glass you’re attempting to strangle filling?”

“Spike!” Faith spat. “Fuck off.” She shifted her body in an effort to keep the vampire out of her line of sight.

“Just trying to be friendly, love,” he said as he sat down at the stool beside the brooding girl, despite the instruction to get lost and the “leave me alone” body language radiating from Faith.

“Since when are vampires fucking friendly?” She wasn’t in the mood for this, she wanted to be alone.

The thought crossed her mind to just whip out her stake and dust him right then and there. He was evil after all. Buffy’s arch enemy. Or at least he had been. Now he was just an ambiguous blot on Sunnydale’s landscape. Not quite fitting in, not quite fulfilling his un-dead potential anymore.

“Hey, what’s with the tensing and the thump-y heartbeat? You’re not thinking of getting handy with a pointy thing are you? I’m pretty bloody sure with the alcohol I can smell in your veins, you won’t get far,” he scoffed and leant away from her slightly, readying himself for a reaction.

Faith whipped around to face him, faster than even she realised she could move. Grabbing the collar of his long dark coat with one hand, she pulled his face close to her own, and with a wicked grin patted his cheek with her free hand.

“You just remember this. One day, the last face you’ll see before you get blown away with the fucking wind is mine. Now shut the fuck up.” She slammed him back down onto his stool, turning to shake her glass at the bartender one more time.

She couldn’t be bothered to dust him. She didn’t feel like experiencing that rush of pleasure she got from doing it. Faith was sticking to her plan of feeling miserable for the time being, and she didn’t want that messed with. She wanted to remain in control of at least that.

“Righto. I’ll just sit here then. Mind my own bloody business,” he murmured. It was the most sensible thing the blonde vampire had said in a long time.

The bartender filled Faith’s glass again, saturating it with a dark, strong spirit. She looked at it for a second, before emptying half of it down her burning throat. Despite the sting of the liquid, Faith grinned at how quickly it sank into her bloodstream. How it pulsed through her body with delicious ease, sweeping away some of the pain with it.

“You’re thirsty then I see?” Spike said, pointing out the obvious.

“I thought you were gonna mind your own business, Barbie,” Faith snarled and turned to look at him, studying his worn features with her dangerous dark eyes.

“Yeah, sorry,” he said quietly. “Bloody ‘ell.” Spike shuffled around in his seat muttering, and keeping one eye on the slayer as he took a long swig of his bottled beer.

Faith couldn’t help but snigger a little at how nervous he was around her, but she also wondered why the hell he would choose to sit next to an obviously pissed off slayer, who had just pretty much threatened to kill him.

“Why don’t you get lost?” Faith asked, never one for subtlety.

“It’s a free country, or so I’ve been lead to believe.” He was practically pouting now.

“Yeah, but just in case you missed it. . .me Slayer, you vampire.” She was genuinely intrigued by the guy now, though. He almost looked like he had more problems than she did.

“Well, the way I see it, Slayer. . .if you were gonna kill me, you’d av done it by now. And I’m not in the bloody mood to argue anymore, so I think I will just bugger off.” He grabbed his bottle and stood to leave.

Faith laid a strong hand on his shoulder and sat him back down. “Nah, no need. Want another one?” she asked, thinking it might be handy to have someone around to annoy. It would go some way to taking her mind off a certain cute little blonde anyway.

“Yeah, sure,” he said, a little puzzled. “So anyway, what’s so fucked up in your life that you’ve decided to haunt that barstool at 11 in the morning?” Spike nodded a thank you for the beer now being placed in front of him.

“I could ask you the same thing. How the hell did you get in here anyway, without becoming a crispy treat?” Faith leant heavily on the bar as she spoke, the alcohol and lack of breakfast fast unravelling the seams of her soberness.

“I know the guy that owns the place. He has a back door, leads down if ya know what I mean,” he pointed towards the ground.

“Right. So why are you in here drinking when you should be getting comfy with some worms or something.” She realised Spike didn’t actually sleep in a coffin in the ground, but it made her smirk all the same.

“Very bloody funny. I’m drowning my sorrows like all good fuck-ups do, sweetheart.” He scowled ineffectively at his new drinking pal.

They both took a swig of their respective potions, and sank into whatever troubles they were having.

Faith knew this wasn’t the way to deal with things, and she realised at some point she would have to make her way back to the Magic Box to apologise for bailing. But for the time being, she couldn’t think of a better place to be. Well, except maybe Buffy’s arms. But that wasn’t going to happen. She wouldn’t allow herself to take comfort whilst betraying Buffy’s trust, because she knew that’s what she would be doing if she were to go along with the way Buffy was acting now, having lost her memory.

* * *

The disheartened slayer and simpering vampire boiled in their own self pity, soaking in the non existent ambience of the bar they had both found themselves in.

They had fallen into a comfortable silence, neither of them feeling the need to express their troubles. It wasn’t necessary. In amongst the total lack of other patrons, apart from an obvious drunk in the corner, they were like lost souls looking for purchase.

Faith downed the remainder of her sixth double Jack, licking her lips now instead of wincing at the taste. She was feeling light headed, and the world was getting fuzzy around the edges. Just the way she liked it. At least that way she knew the gaping hole in her heart would hurt less. Pain was never quite as sharp and obvious with a few more dead brain cells floating around in your head.

“What did you say?” Spike woozily looked over at the brunette who had a glazed look in her eyes.

“I didn’t say anything, ya freak.” She slammed her glass back down on the bar, pointing into it with an unsteady finger for the benefit of the guy behind the counter.

“Yer you did,” Spike insisted. “Something about a. . .head.” Spike twisted his face with confusion, maybe trying to decide which one of them had said it.

Faith just shook her head, chuckling under her breath at the vampire sat beside her. She hadn’t planned on being willing to be in someone else’s company, wanting to just run away from everything and everyone. But somehow, even though he didn’t say much, just having the guy sat next to her made her feel a little better. A little less alone in the world.

He had his troubles too, Drusilla leaving him for one thing. As much as it made Faith want to fall on the floor laughing, she knew Spike had been in love with the lunatic. She had heard all about it from Buffy.

As more of the alcohol soaked its way into her bloodstream she patted her un-dead drinking partner on the back, causing him almost to fall off the stool with the unrestrained force.

“Ya know something, Spiky? You’re all right. Well, for a murdering bloodsucker that I’m supposed to be killing anyway,” she chuckled, twirling around on her stool, searching the darkness of the bar looking for the toilet.

“Hey, don’t get any ideas of sticking me with something sharp and wooden.”

“Nah, not today at least.” Faith stumbled down from the barstool, steadying herself before heading for the little girl’s room.

The tipsy brunette did her business then washed her hands in the cracked sink. Squinting at her hazy reflection in the dirty bathroom mirror, Faith sighed. She looked drunk, she was drunk. She felt tears begin to sting the back of her eyes at how hopeless she was. How easily she could mess her life up. Buffy was her friend, a close friend. So, they didn’t quite share everything, and Willow still held the title of Buffy’s ‘best friend’. Then there was Xander. But Faith did fit in with it all, somewhere, and she liked it.

Rubbing a hand across her forehead, stopping any tears from falling, Faith stood tall, or as tall as she could considering how much alcohol was flowing through her. She made a decision, and she was determined to stick to it. She had to.

Faith decided to do her best to keep Buffy at arms length, and not give into her own desires. She would stand by her, and help out where needed, until they found out why she had lost her memory and how to cure it. Then she would do the hardest thing she could ever imagine doing, considering it could change everything about her life as it was.

She would tell Buffy how she felt.

“That’s it. I’ll fucking do it,” she said sternly, talking to herself in the mirror. Faith blinked back her dread at the thought and walked back into the bar to say goodbye to spike.

“Hey, Slayer, I thought you’d fallen in. Want another one?” Spike raised Faith’s empty glass.

“Yeah, ok. Maybe just one.” She slumped back down onto her seat, forgetting she was supposed to be going back to the magic shop.

Several drinks later, Faith stumbled out into the daylight, hiding her eyes from the sun with her hand. She left Spike behind, talking the ear off the unfortunate bar tender. Faith had grown hungry with all the alcohol and needed to eat. She didn’t care what, as long as it filled her.

As her eyes adjusted to the light, the young slayer ignored the fact that the world was oozing in and out of sight, and made her way to find food. She had almost forgotten why she had been in the bar in the first place. In her drunken state nothing really seemed to stick in her head.

She just knew something was wrong. There was a problem she didn’t know how to fix. She had to be somewhere. She was meant to. . .“Oh fuck!” Faith slapped her forehead with her hand, immediately regretting it as she almost fell over from the force.

Reeling backwards and forwards a little, she then turned on her heel and began making her way to the Magic Box. To Buffy.

* * *

After stopping to sate her growling stomach, Faith eventually reached her destination. Swaying with the gait of a practised drunk, Faith staggered to the door of the magic shop, muttering to herself at how the door handle just wouldn’t stay still.

“Hey, just fuckin. . .gotcha,” she cried in triumph and lurched forward into the small shop, cursing as she went.

“Faith! My God, where have you been? We looked everywhere for you,” Buffy called, and was in her arms in an instant.

“Whoa, little busy bee. Glad to see me, pumpkin?” Faith slurred as she hung on to the smaller girl, more in an effort to stay upright than anything else.

“Faith, you’re drunk.” Buffy gaped at the swaying girl currently in her arms.

“No I’m not. I’m just. . .shit.” As Buffy let go of her, Faith fell to the floor with a resounding thud.

Giles just looked on from afar, rubbing his temples in despair as Faith grabbed at a nearby chair to unsuccessfully pull herself up. Buffy didn’t look too pissed off, which Faith was grateful for, because she knew she couldn’t handle an annoyed Buffy right now. She did feel the need to apologise for running off though.

“B, I’m sorry I left. I. . .I just got freaked.” Faith managed to fall into the chair, with a little assistance from her fellow slayer.

“Shh, it’s ok. I was just worried about you. I made Giles drive me around to try to find you. Faith, don’t leave me alone again,” Buffy implored and seemed close to tears.

“Oh, man. . .I’m such a fucking bitch” Faith buried her face in her hands, not knowing what to do or say to make things right.

She did feel like a bitch. Buffy must have felt so lonely with just Giles, someone she had no connection with whatsoever, as company. Searching for her. Worrying about her. She stood up abruptly, wanting to put things right, although she had no clue how to.

As Faith got to her feet however, a sudden rush of blood, and therefore alcohol, surged to her head.

“What the?” Faith reeled forward.

Buffy caught the falling slayer just before she hit the ground, and the last thing Faith saw before promptly passing out, was Buffy gently cradling her in her arms.

* * *

The next thing she knew, Faith was lying in her bed. Looking up at the cracked and discoloured ceiling, she realised it was spinning. Or it might have been the bed. She couldn’t quite work it out, or get it to stop.

“Hey, are you ok?” Buffy asked softly as she leant over the prone slayer, stroking her cheek tenderly with nothing but concern in her eyes.

“Yeah. I err. . .I have no idea,” Faith groaned, eventually getting her eyes to focus on the blonde girl propped up next to her.

“You had me worried. All day in fact. I should be angry with you,” Buffy said, pouting. But she didn’t sound angry.

“I’m sorry, B.” Faith was at a loss, but at least she wasn’t feeling quite so drunk.

She lay next to Buffy, allowing her to softly stroke her fingers through her thick waves of dark hair. Enjoying the tenderness of such a simple act. It wasn’t even something her own mother had done for her before. Nobody had taken the time to gently care for her. It was new and causing her to fall even deeper in love with Buffy.

“I’m gonna go pee,” Faith said in a rush. She felt the overwhelming need to get away as soon as possible.

“Sure, I’ll help you,” Buffy said, smiling sweetly.

Faith was about to protest at the idea of Buffy actually helping her to the toilet, until she almost stumbled back onto the bed in her haste to get up.

“Thanks.” She laid her hand in Buffy’s as the smaller girl assisted her into the tiny bathroom.

Faith pulled on the buttons of her pants, but just couldn’t work them open. Such a simple act suddenly seemed to need the brains of a scientist, or a Buffy shaped hero at least.

“Let me,” Buffy told her, and didn’t hesitate in undoing the offending buttons.

She looked up into Faith’s deep dark eyes as she slowly freed the younger girl of her leather restriction. Buffy pushed the garment down as carefully as she could, along with Faith’s scant underwear, to her knees. Never once breaking eye contact, and licking her lips as she stood in front of Faith.

Faith stood, totally exposed to Buffy, feeling less like using the toilet, and more like discarding the rest of her clothes along with Buffy’s. Their eyes were locked on each other, neither girl making a move. Buffy hadn’t dared to look down yet at Faith, and Faith was repeating “no sex, no sex” in her head over and over.

The still tipsy girl finally sat down on the toilet seat, unable to ignore her need any more.

“Um, B? You gonna stand and watch, or turn around?” She didn’t really want to pee in front of the cute blonde. Even though the idea of water-sports had never totally grossed her out, now was not the time or the place.

“Sorry.” Buffy had the courtesy to look a little embarrassed as she turned to face away from Faith. Faith blundered about, trying to reassemble her attire after she had finished. Pulling uselessly at the tight leather.

“Faith, let me do that. In fact, why don’t you just take them off? We can get into bed.” Buffy looked shyly at Faith, obviously wanting nothing more than to just crawl into bed with her.

Faith didn’t have the energy to resist. Even though she had been asleep for nearly two hours, she was still woozy and tired.

“Ok,” Faith nodded and stood before her blonde counterpart, waiting to be undressed by her.

In other circumstances it would have been a fantasy come true, but her vow to not touch Buffy, and her current inebriated state kept her mind out of the gutter. Although, she had to admit, she was teetering on the edge.

Faith rested her hands on Buffy’s shoulders as she was striped of her pants and underwear. Buffy was taking her time, and she was noticeably breathing quicker than she had been before.

“God, Faith, you have great legs,” Buffy sighed.

Faith couldn’t hold in the giggle that escaped when Buffy straightened up, trailing her fingernails lightly over the smooth skin of her inner thighs.

“That tickles,” Faith blurted, but it stopped tickling when Buffy continued on, lifting Faith’s small tee-shirt over her head, spilling her hair back down onto her shoulders as she removed it altogether.

“B, maybe I should do this.” Both girls were heating up, and Faith didn’t want to lose control again. The way Buffy was looking at her right now was pushing all the right buttons.

“Ok, I’ll bring in something for you to wear. Are you sure you’ll be ok?” Buffy asked.

Faith was thinking she was going to be far from ok, in every respect. She was still drunk after all, so her resolve was going to be sorely tested. She took a deep cleansing breath and nodded.

Buffy brought in her things then left Faith to tumble about in the bathroom, dressing and cleaning herself up a little. She hated the taste of stale alcohol on her tongue. She left the small room looking like a tornado had just touched down in it, and made her unsteady way back to the bed Buffy was already in. Crawling under the inviting covers, Faith remembered that Buffy had been with Giles all day.

“Hey, did Giles find anything out today?” she asked, laying her head down on the pillow, facing her friend who was already tucked up and turned towards Faith.

“Not really. But I did ask him about why I’m so strong. He told me about us. Well, kinda. I still don’t really get it,” Buffy explained.

Faith just nodded, feeling the tug of sleep pulling her eyelids down. “Yeah, we can talk tomorrow. Or, whatever.” Faith yawned and felt a soft hand brush against her and find its way to her waist. She didn’t push it away, as it was too nice, too warm.

The sleepy brunette snuggled into the point between being asleep and awake, just enjoying the peace her mind was finally allowing her. And also, enjoying the pleasant ministrations of the hand now under her vest on her lower back.

Buffy traced delicate circles over Faith’s soft skin. Teasing her fingernails up and down the stretch of back that her hand could reach. Then she moved around to the front, pushing up the tee shirt with her arm, lightly drifting her fingertips over Faith’s toned stomach, and up towards her sumptuous breasts.

Faith felt like she wanted to protest, but she was half asleep, not quite fully aware of what was happening. Her lips parted as her breathing forced its way in and out of her lungs a little faster than normal. She ran her tongue over her dimpled lower lip and mumbled something unintelligible just as Buffy closed her mouth over hers.

Buffy kissed Faith delicately, probably not wanting the wilful slayer to wake too much and push her away again. As she fluttered her tongue across Faith’s lips, Buffy closed her hand around one of her soft round breasts, squeezing gently, arousing her nipple. Then she gently pushed on Faith so she was fully on her back.

“B, wha. . .” Faith tried to speak.

Buffy shushed the dozing girl with her mouth and stroked her thumb over Faith’s hard and needy dusky nipple. Faith was breathing much heavier now, as was Buffy. Faith was aware of what was happening, but was somehow powerless to stop it.

No doubt conscious of the fact the Faith was probably going to become more aware if she took her time, and stop her, Buffy dipped her hand into Faith shorts. Faith instinctively raised her hips as Buffy’s fingers brushed over her already moist pussy lips.

“God Faith, I want you so much. I know I shouldn’t be doing this.” But despite knowing how unfair it was to be taking advantage of the drunken girl, she didn’t stop.

Buffy’s fingertips sensitively spread open Faith’s warm pussy, trailing lightly through the wetness on offer to her, not yet embarking on the discovery of her clit. She was obviously just enjoying the feeling of her fingers on another girl’s dripping sex for the time being, pushing just a little further down, over the silken opening to Faith’s tight, wet hole. She dipped her fingers in a little way, dispersing more of Faith’s slick arousal over her.

“You feel so good,” Buffy whispered into the still night air.

Faith began to whimper in her drowsy state, unconsciously wanting more, wanting Buffy to touch her where she most needed it. To push her fingers deep inside her, and to fill her and fuck her. She was beginning to wake, becoming more and more aware and more and more aroused.

But this was wrong. Fighting through the thoughts of “fuck me now”, came other thoughts like “you’ll hate me if I let you do this”, and “you’ll never forgive me once you have your memory back”.

Faith reached down, grasping Buffy’s wrist not too tightly in her hand, halting her motions.

“Buffy,” Faith exhaled.

They looked deep into each other’s eyes. Unspoken questions and pleas flying between them.

Faith’s inebriated brain cells jumped to life, pushing a flashing red thought to the forefront of her mind. The thought that it was all just too fucking weird. If the tables turned any more, she’d seriously have to think about switching their names.



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