Memory In Mind

Chapter One

“So, B, you’re telling me you don’t get even a little hungry and horny?” Faith had been teasing Buffy all night about how chaste and uptight she could be.

It was nothing more than a bit of fun for Faith, or at least that’s how it had started out. Now it was bordering on the whole flirting territory she had tried her best to keep at a minimum.

She liked Buffy, a lot. Faith had been instantly attracted to her. It was no use though, as Buffy was straight, and Faith was well aware of that fact. Even if Angel was no longer in the picture, she held no hope of Buffy ever being interested in her as more than a friend. Although now and again it did seem like Buffy actually enjoyed the way Faith flirted with her sometimes. She put it down to mild curiosity and nothing more.

“I never said that. I meant that it’s nothing I can’t handle. Unlike you I don’t have to run out to the nearest bar and pick up the first person I see,” Buffy scoffed.

“So how do you handle it, Miss priss?” Faith asked.

“That is none of your business,” Buffy replied with a smug look on her face that just dared Faith to push it a little further.

“I bet you go home, stuff your face, then indulge in a little self lovin.” Faith was grinning from ear to ear as Buffy’s blush confirmed her guess.

Buffy didn’t answer, and before Faith could say any more, a sorry looking vampire hauled himself out of the earth close by. Buffy was the first to react and Faith left her to it. The chosen one took no time in beating the vamp down and staking him before he even knew what was going on. Faith had to admit, the girl was good, and she looked damn fine kicking ass.

Buffy twirled her stake and replaced it inside her jacket. She began to make her way to the cemetery gates, Faith following loyally behind. Buffy was the only one Faith allowed herself to follow. She was not one to abide by rules, and hated being in other people’s control, even in the slightest.

She was a loner and always had been, knowing it was easier that way, but she looked up to the other slayer, and she respected her. She counted herself as one of Buffy’s friends, even if at first Buffy had kept her almost totally out of her life. Faith had stuck around however, doing her best to help out where needed.

Faith’s patience had paid off in the end, as Buffy gradually spent more and more time with her. She had an idea that the turn of events had something to do with the disappearance of Angel. The ‘happy couple’ had split up a little over a month ago, and in that short time the two of them had become much closer. Faith was now more than just a helping hand. She was part of the fight, part of the gang, and enjoying every minute of it.

“Hey, wait up, Twinkie.” Faith jogged to catch up with the cute blonde. “You haven’t answered my question.”

“I wasn’t aware you’d asked one, Faith.” Buffy didn’t halt in her exit of the churchyard.

Apparently their patrolling for the night was over, much to Faith’s disappointment. She had been enjoying the light flirtation between them.

“Ok, you haven’t told me if I was right.” She knew Buffy was aware of what she was referring to; it hung in the air like an unspoken dare.

“Fine. If I’m that interesting, which obviously I am. You’re right, although I don’t tend to eat that much, so stuffing would be an overstatement.” She stood stock still, looking Faith square in the eye.

Faith just stared back, unsure whether she had imagined what had just been said. She hadn’t expected the queen of virtue to actually admit to masturbating of all things, especially not to her. It was such an invitation to more teasing, but teasing was the last thing on Faith’s mind at the minute. All she could presently think about was Buffy, and the images in her head were far from pure.

“Faith,” Buffy said, trying to catch her attention. “Faith?”

The younger girl blinked away the vision and tried her best to avoid eye contact with Buffy. She really didn’t want Buffy to guess what she had been thinking about just then.

“Were you just thinking of me masturbating?” Buffy asked with a sigh.

Evidently Faith had been caught, and things were getting way out of hand now. Buffy had a knowing smirk on her face. It was a challenge, or at least to Faith it was.

She stepped a little closer to Buffy, and with the sexiest expression on her face, she looked Buffy up and down then answered huskily. “Yeah, and it was kinda nice.”

Faith’s dark eyes smoked over with desire, appearing dangerous in the moonlight.

Buffy now looked a little intimidated, which was exactly the reaction Faith had desired. She was surprised at how much quicker Buffy seemed to be breathing however. She dared, ever so slightly, to hope it was due to her overtly sexual overtures.

Buffy was apparently lost for words. She just looked into Faith’s eyes, which were now full of lust. There seemed to be electricity flowing between them, as they stood, neither one of them sure of how to proceed.

“I. . .I’d better go. Mom’s expecting me home soon, ya know. It’s err. . .late,” Buffy muttered. The spell was broken. Buffy had backed out, literally.

Buffy turned to make her way down the street towards her house, leaving Faith perplexed and extremely worked up. She watched as Buffy walked away from her, away from the tension that had built up between them.

Faith shouted after Buffy. “I’ll see ya tomorrow, right? For training?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Buffy hardly stopped to look round as she disappeared into the night.

* * *

“I’m sorry to disturb you so early, Faith, but we have a small problem.” A man’s voice curtly said over the phone in Faith’s hand.

“It’s ok, G-man, I’ll survive. What’s the what?” Faith pushed herself up in her bed, wiping the sleep from her eyes she looked over at her alarm clock. It was 7 o’clock, as in AM, way too early.

“It’s, Buffy,” Giles said.

That got her attention.

She sprang out of bed. “What’s wrong? Is she all right? Is. . .”

“Calm down, Faith, she’s all right. Well, in the physical sense.” he practically muttered, worrying her even more.

Faith ran her free hand through her dark hair, attempting not to break the phone in the death grip she currently held it in.

“It seems she’s lost her memory,” Giles continued more candidly. “As yet I don’t know how or why. I thought I’d better call you as soon as possible in case we need your err. . .strength and such. She’s extremely worked up at present.”

Faith hadn’t quite taken in everything Giles had said. She was just glad that Buffy wasn’t actually physically hurt, or worse.

“I’ll be there as fast as I can.” She hung up the phone and rushed around her motel room getting ready, reflecting that she never quite had a dull day being a slayer.

Faith arrived at Buffy’s house in just over twenty minutes, as she had run all the way. Giles greeted her at the door. In the living room Willow sat with Buffy’s mom, trying to keep her calm apparently. Faith knew she looked visibly worried herself, as she had to see Buffy. She had to know she was ok.

“Buffy is upstairs. She wanted to leave but we eventually convinced her to stay. She’s confused to say the least, and I’m not sure she quite understands what’s going on,” Giles explained. “Her memory loss is extensive. Buffy has no idea who she is, or who we are.”

Faith tried her best to listen to Giles, but she couldn’t resist glancing in the direction of the stairs every two seconds.

As Giles finished explaining things to Faith, Buffy appeared at the top of the stairs. She looked normal enough, but then Faith was just relieved to actually see her. Buffy tentatively made her way down the stairs, never taking her eyes off Faith.

“Umm, Buffy, this is Faith,” Giles told her and moved aside as the blonde girl made her way toward her counterpart.

She had a questioning look on her face, and seemed to be studying Faith.

“Hey, B.” Faith didn’t know what else to say, she didn’t know what to do either. Buffy was scrutinising her, but she appeared to be calm.

“I. . .I feel something. It’s you,” Buffy said, pointing to Faith.

She was probably referring to her slayer senses, as the two girls could always sense when the other one was near by. Faith frowned a little, unsure of what to say next. Thankfully Giles stepped in.

“Faith is your friend, Buffy,” Giles told her softly. “But, well. . .there’s more of a connection between the two of you. It’s a little hard to explain.”

Buffy didn’t even look in his direction. Her eyes were solely trained on Faith, who was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

Faith realised that Buffy hadn’t been told anything about being a slayer, but it was probably best, as to not confuse her more. Buffy’s mother began crying again in the living room, drawing their attention. Buffy was unfazed, in fact if anything, she looked mildly annoyed.

“Faith?” Buffy said, again giving her a questioning look.

“Yeah,” Faith answered, and the rest of the house just stood by, leaving the two slayers to it.

“Can I talk to you? Alone, I mean?” Buffy gestured with a nod of her head towards the stairs.

Faith searched the faces of everyone else, but found no answers. “Sure,” she nodded finally, following Buffy as she made her way back to her bedroom.

Buffy closed the door behind them and sat down heavily on the bed. Faith shuffled from one foot to the other, and ran a nervous hand through her hair. She wasn’t really sure why she was nervous. Maybe it was just the fact that she was in Buffy’s bedroom.

“I don’t know what’s going on. They say I’ve lost my memory. I’m so confused,” Buffy sighed in frustration. She threw a nearby shoe at the door, and then began to cry softly.

Faith closed the small distance between them and sat next to Buffy on the bed. Against her better judgement, and her usual avoidance of physical displays, she placed her arm protectively around the older girl. Buffy didn’t flinch like Faith had expected, given the circumstances. Instead, she turned to Faith and buried her face in her neck. Faith wrapped her arms fully around Buffy, throwing caution to the wind in an effort to stop her from crying.

Just as Buffy seemed to be calming slightly, the door opened and Willow and Giles stood in astonishment. Faith instinctively moved away from Buffy, although Buffy didn’t allow her to pull away altogether.

“We heard a bang, thought we’d better see if everything was ok. . .which it isn’t, but you know what I mean,” Willow stammered.

“It’s ok, Will. She’s just freaked out right now. Confused and shit. Just give us a few minutes here.” Faith nodded towards the door for them to close it behind them as they left.

Faith and Willow were not the best of buddies on a good day, and seeing Faith sat so close to a clingy Buffy was not going to help matters. There was always going to be an element of jealousy between them, as both of them were vying for Buffy’s undivided attention most days.

With Willow and Giles placated and having left the room, Faith turned to look at her friend. She looked deep into Buffy’s eyes, trying to find some glimmer of recognition. To her surprise she could see it, it was the smallest glimmer, but it was definitely there. Also there though was fear, and dread. Things she had never seen in those eyes before.

“It’ll be ok, Buffy. We’ll find out what the fuck’s going on, I promise,” Faith reassured, and Buffy relaxed ever so slightly at her words.

Faith had no idea what was going to happen now, and she didn’t know what she could do to make things easier for her friend. It wasn’t going to be easy, especially if Buffy had to re-learn everything about herself, and everything about her friends and family.

“Can we leave? I mean, I don’t know why but I don’t feel safe here. But. . .you, I don’t know what it is, but I feel safe with you,” Buffy whispered as she looked up at Faith with tears in her eyes.

Faith couldn’t help but feel touched, even though she knew it was just down to their slayer connection. “I don’t know. If it were up to me, fine. But Giles and your mom might look at things differently.”

Buffy glanced down at her hands, she looked so vulnerable.

“Ok, fuck them,” Faith decided. “I’ll explain it to them. You probably will be safer with me.” Faith was thinking of what a great opportunity Buffy’s amnesia would be for a vengeful demon or vampire.

“Thanks.” Buffy smiled up at Faith as she moved to go and talk to Giles, giving Buffy a genuine smile back

“Put some things in a bag. We’ll drop it off at mine. No doubt Giles will want to take you to the Magic Box and run tests and shit. Don’t worry, I won’t let him hurt ya,” Faith avowed. She truly meant it, as she would do anything for Buffy.

Downstairs, Buffy’s mom was still upset, and Giles was pacing the floor. Willow looked up as Faith broke the silence.

“She wants to stay with me. She says she feels safer with me around. I have to agree, nobody else can protect her like I can.” She wanted to say her piece before any of them could object.

“Yes, you’re right of course, but it’s maybe best that she stays somewhere familiar to her,” Giles supposed, always the one for being diplomatic. No doubt he was thinking about Joyce, and her feelings.

Faith wasn’t going to give in so easily though. “Nowhere’s familiar to her right now, and I’ll do whatever she wants,” she said solidly. The sentiment wasn’t lost on both Willow and Joyce. The latter looking up to gently smile at Faith.

“I don’t think I should stay here. I’m not sure why, but it doesn’t feel right,” Buffy interrupted as she entered the room and placed a small duffel bag on the floor. “I’m sorry if that upsets anyone, it’s just the way I feel.” She moved closer to Faith in an unspoken gesture of solidarity.

Buffy’s mother got up from her place on the couch and lightly brushed a stray blonde hair back behind Buffy’s ear. Buffy visibly flinched from the touch.

“If it’s what you want dear. I know Faith will look after you, and you’ll have Giles and the rest of your friends looking into a cure for this, whatever it is.” Joyce wiped away her stray tears and turned to Giles. “Please bring my baby back to me, Rupert.”

The watcher adjusted his glasses and nodded solemnly.

The slayers left with Willow and Giles in tow. They drove to Faith’s motel in Giles’ car, dropping Buffy’s things off. Then made there way to the hospital, having decided it was best to rule out anything un-supernatural first. Thankfully all of Buffy’s tests were clear. Other than her memory loss, she was perfectly healthy.

* * *

Not much was said between them as they made their way to the magic shop. In fact nothing much was said for the rest of the day. Buffy was uncharacteristically quiet. She hadn’t asked many questions, clearly still coming to terms with being around complete strangers, and coming to terms with being a stranger to herself.

They explained as best they could why they were checking for any supernatural things that might have occurred, and Buffy seemed to except what she was told, and agreed to co-operate.

She kept as close to Faith as she could, whilst Giles and Willow did several incantations to check for possible demon possessions or spells. Every test came up blank. It was truly baffling.

It was getting late in the evening, and Buffy couldn’t stifle her yawning as the day took its toll on her. Faith felt worn out herself, it had been a long day with not much time to stop and think. What little time they had stopped for was filled with eating lunch and dinner.

“Hey, G-man, I think we should call it a day,” Faith suggested.

Giles removed his glasses and with a heartfelt sigh he agreed.

He drove Willow home then dropped the two slayers off at the motel Faith was staying at. Xander and Giles had already done a quick patrol for the night and everything had been quiet, so there was no need for the chosen two to bother. They agreed that further research and questions would commence the following day, but for now Faith was just eager to get some rest. She could only imagine how Buffy felt.

They said their goodnights to Giles and made their way into Faith’s sparse motel room. It hadn’t occurred to Faith how she was going to cope with sleeping in the same bed as Buffy, only realising the fact on entering the room.

“Thank you,” Buffy said quietly.

“What for?” Faith asked, whilst she made her way around the room attempting to tidy it a little, not that it was overly messy, but she didn’t think Buffy would be too keen on seeing her underwear lying around.

“For letting me stay. Keeping close to me today. It’s weird, but I really do feel safe with you,” Buffy explained.

Faith just gave Buffy a warm smile as the blonde girl sat tentatively on the edge of the bed.

“Don’t worry about it. Do you want to use the bathroom first?” Faith flicked on the TV and awaited Buffy’s answer.

“Err. . .yeah. Thanks.” Buffy dug her sleeping shorts and tee shirt out of her bag and made her way to the bathroom.

“Hey, Twinkie? Quit saying thanks, there’s no need.” Faith caught the cute curl of Buffy’s lips as she smiled and closed the door behind her.

Faith was feeling unusually uncomfortable, because she just wasn’t sure what to do or say around Buffy. She couldn’t be her normal self, which was driving her mad. Faith told herself over and over that Buffy was only there with her because of the slayer thing, and that was why the older girl felt connected to her. Although Faith couldn’t help but wish there was more to it of course.

Buffy came out of the bathroom freshly showered, in her cute pink shorts and tee shirt, and Faith had to remind herself how to breathe. Buffy’s small frame did nothing to diminish her attractiveness. She was a little hottie as far as Faith was concerned.

“Bathroom’s free,” Buffy chirped happily.

Faith peeled herself off the bed and worked her way to the small room, willing her eyes not to linger too long on the pretty blonde now tucking herself into her bed.

She mustn’t have quite pulled it off, as she noticed a slight blush creep over Buffy’s cheeks. She fought back the urge to just jump on the other girl, and heartily splashed her face with cold water as soon as she closed the door. She washed away some of the day’s tension in the shower then got changed for the night. It was going to be a long one, and she was wondering why she had agreed to have Buffy stay with her.

After contemplating the idea of making a run for it out of the bathroom window, Faith pulled herself together and made her way back into the room, and to bed. She didn’t look in Buffy’s direction, instead distracting herself with the flickering TV in the corner of the room.

Faith slid under the covers, keeping as far away from the object of her desire as she possibly could without making it obvious.

It didn’t work.

“I don’t bite, Faith. Or at least I don’t think I do,” Buffy said coyly.

Faith inched a little closer to Buffy, but not close enough to be touching, which was difficult, it being quite a small bed.

They both lay there in silence for several minutes. Again Faith didn’t know quite what to say or do. She had thought about having Buffy in her bed many times before, but this scenario had never been one of her many fantasies. Even so, she was having a hard time just breathing normally. Faith could only hope Buffy hadn’t picked up on how tense she was.

“Are you ok, Faith? You seem a little tense.”

So, she wasn’t doing a good job hiding her predicament.

“I’m fine, B. Just tired I think,” she fibbed, a soft sigh escaping her full lips without her permission.

“You don’t sound fine. Is it me? I mean, I know I’ve lost my memory, but I can tell we mean a lot to each other. Or at least, that’s what I feel,” Buffy said, looking over at Faith. “I’ll get my memory back, I’m sure of it. I just don’t want this to. . .ruin anything.”

Faith turned onto her side, facing Buffy, but still keeping her distance. “What do you mean by ruin anything?” Faith asked, genuinely unsure of what Buffy was getting at.

“You know. . .between us,” Buffy said, almost in a whisper. She was facing the dark slayer, the flickering light of the television dancing in her gentle eyes.

Faith could feel herself falling ever deeper into them, so she willed herself to look away, but to no avail. She was stuck, caught up in the chain that was her need to be with Buffy.

“It’s not going to change anything, B,” she assured.

“Then why are you lying way over there?” Buffy looked nervous, and lost in amongst the cotton sheets.

“What do you mean?” Faith frowned; she didn’t get what Buffy was aiming at.

“I. . .we are together, aren’t we?” Buffy spoke so softly, and Faith had to check her brain cells one by one to ensure she had heard Buffy correctly.

Even when she thought she was sure of what Buffy meant, she didn’t know how to respond. It caused a pause in the conversation that neither girl seemed comfortable with. Faith decided she needed to be a little clearer on Buffy’s assumption.

“What makes you think we’re together? You’ve lost your memory, B. Did someone say something to you? What made you think that?” Faith hadn’t meant to sound so dismissive, but she was worried about losing Buffy's trust and friendship. Worried that somebody had said something to Buffy, to do that very thing.

She had liked Buffy as more than just a friend from the moment they had first met. But apart from the harmless flirting, that was becoming less and less harmless lately if truth be told, she hadn’t stepped over the mark. She knew she never could, as Buffy just wouldn’t go for it. Even though things had looked slightly more promising the night before, Faith was sure her friendship with Buffy would never move into anything more.

“I’ve got it wrong haven’t I? I’m sorry. I was just so sure there was something between us. I mean, apart from the whole tingling thing, which Giles told me was because we’re magically bonded or something, which I don’t get,” Buffy said pulling a funny face before continuing. “It just felt right. I. . .God, I feel so stupid.” Buffy sighed and turned onto her back, facing away from Faith, who was busy wishing she could shoot herself for being so insensitive.

Faith didn’t move. Her head was reeling with ways to put things right. She didn’t want Buffy to feel stupid, or embarrassed. This was a situation she had no idea how to deal with. Then she realised exactly what it was Buffy was saying to her.

If she thought they were together, then surely that meant that Buffy must feel some kind of attraction towards her. There must at least be more to it than just their connection. She reached out tentatively and placed her hand on Buffy’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to feel stupid, B. look at me,” she said gently.

Buffy turned her head in Faith’s direction, her vulnerability showing visibly. Removing her hand, for fear it may wander of its own accord, Faith lifted herself up on her elbow a little way.

“I didn’t mean to sound so. . .”

“Disgusted at the idea of being with me?” Buffy interjected.

Faith shook her head at how the tables had seemed to turn, she never would have imagined those words, or anything similar, coming from the lips she wanted so much to taste.

“No. . .it doesn’t disgust me. I just wondered what it was that made you think we’re together.” Faith wanted Buffy to tell her exactly what she was thinking and feeling.

“Faith, I think we should just go to sleep. I’m sorry I got things wrong.” With that, Buffy rolled away from Faith and pulled the covers up protectively around herself.

Faith knew they had been so close to discovering something that would totally change their lives. Even though she didn’t know whether or not it would ultimately be for the better, Faith was upset that the moment had gone.

As she lay down next to her friend, Faith realised Buffy was crying quietly. On instinct, she closed the distance between them and covered Buffy with a protective arm, pulling the smaller girl closer to her, spooning her from behind.

“Shhh! You don’t have to cry, B. Please,” Faith whispered.

She wanted so much to tell Buffy how she would love for them to be together. How she had been steadily falling for her from the day they met, even against her own protests.

She knew she couldn’t, though. The friendship they shared was far more important to her. She wasn’t about to take advantage of Buffy in her current confused state. Even she drew the line at some things.

Buffy relaxed into Faith’s embrace and the tears stopped flowing. Neither of them made a move to change positions, so they stayed close together, their bodies pressing snugly against each other. Faith allowed Buffy’s silky blonde locks to tickle her nose as she drank in the scent of the girl she wanted so much.



“You didn’t tell me why you thought we we’re together,” Faith said, her voice husky and low.

Against her better judgement Faith knew she couldn’t just let it pass. She had to know, for her own sanity.

Buffy took a shaky breath before answering. “I feel close to you,” she replied, and Faith could put that down to their slayer connection. “And. . .safe.” Again it had to be the connection, Faith thought. “But mostly, it’s the fact that my heart skips a beat every time you look at me, and I can’t seem to think about anything but touching you, and kissing you. I thought we must be together for me to be feeling all this for you,” Buffy said honestly.

Faith was stunned. She couldn’t put all that down to the slayer thing.

Buffy shifted positions to face the younger girl, staying just as close. The intimacy of their position wasn’t lost on Faith, and as she allowed herself to look deeply into Buffy’s eyes she could see just how fearful Buffy was of her reaction.

Faith didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t shake the feeling that none of what Buffy had said was real, and that it had something to do with the memory loss. It just seemed so implausible. This was Buffy, straight Buffy. Definitely straight.

“I’m sorry, Faith. I guess I mistook the way you were with me today as something else.”

Faith blinked herself back to reality. She must have been sending Buffy signals all day about the way she felt.

It actually made sense that Buffy had picked up on them in her current condition. With her loss of memory there was no guilt, no worry about what everybody else would think. No holding back.

Faith brushed away a stray strand of blonde from Buffy’s brow. “Don’t apologise, B. It’s my fault. I. . .how the fuck do I say this? You didn’t make a mistake.”

“I don’t understand,” Buffy said, scrunching up her brow.

Faith ran her hand anxiously through her dark tresses then placed it gently on Buffy’s waist, knowing that what she said now could basically end her friendship with Buffy. Or at least the Buffy she knew all too well.

“I like you, always have,” Faith confessed.

Buffy continued to frown, indicating that she needed more information.

Faith took a second to decide whether or not she was crazy for even contemplating letting Buffy know just how much she liked her. She was well aware that this conversation wouldn’t have even been taking place if it weren’t for the amnesia, or whatever it was.

“I’m attracted to you, Buffy. I’d like nothing more than our friendship to be more than what it is. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night for wanting you, but you never got it. Or at least I don’t think you did. Fuck, I’d flirt with you like crazy and. . .I knew I was wasting my time.” Faith looked away from Buffy, irritated at how futile it was telling her how she felt.

Even after the things Buffy had said to her, she wasn’t about ready to let go of the fact that ‘normal’ Buffy wasn’t interested in anything other than guys. It was hopeless, whichever way she looked at it.

So she waited for a reply that she knew she probably would have to dismiss. This wasn’t really Buffy. And as much as she wanted it to be, it just wasn’t real.



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