A conversation with myself:
“What’s your goal in life?”
“TO BE HAPPY!!”
“Are you yet?”
“no.”

A Princess and Her Pee

It’s hard to write something like this when your whole life seems to be entirely devoid of tragedy, even fake tragedy. My grandparents are all alive. In fact, no one I love has ever died. Not even a pet because I’ve never owned a pet except for that fish in 5th grade, but I didn’t love it because I knew it was going to die. It was a girl. I don’t remember what I named her; that in itself shows my apathy towards that poor guppy. Anyway, antidepressants and behavior controlling drugs aren’t a part of my life and never have been. My parents don’t physically abuse each other or my brother or me. They get along reasonably well. According to any principle I’m aware of anyway, mostly because they’re not divorced. So not even any “evil” stepparents.

So I doubt you’re going to cry after you read this. Why should you when your own life is so much more painful than mine? I don’t think I’m going to make anyone feel better because humans in general are like that and get a certain amount of joy from people that aren’t doing as well as they are. That’s the only reason kids ask each other if they’ve started that science project yet. If you look hard enough, there’s always that one person that hasn’t even started, and that makes your doodle look good in comparison. That’s all anyone wants, to look good in comparison. That’s all I ever wanted. That’s all I ever want.

The problem comes in for many people when they decide whom they want to look good in comparison to. You pick an idiot to look good in comparison to, and you won’t have to work very hard. But then, you may find yourself becoming an idiot yourself. And then you’ll be used by other people just like you used that first person. And then it’s all over. Once one person uses you, it’ll be like a domino effect until everyone uses you and then you’ll stop caring because when everyone, even the losers, are using you to make themselves look better, what’s the point of even trying anymore. There isn’t any. I’d quit. That’s kind of what I did.

I started out pretty good. I’m not going to talk about making good grades or anything because only idiots brag about making good grades in classes they don’t try in. It’s like say you made all A’s in kindergarten. Losers. But it started out like I wasn’t that unhappy. I used the comparison method to make myself look better in my own eyes. That can be dangerous because no one else knows what you’re thinking and can’t tell you what a stupid thing you’re doing. Wish I knew that before (ominous music playing). When I say I started out pretty good, I mean there were more people in the world, or at least in MY world, that were less happy than me than there were people that were beating me in happiness. That must mean that I wasn’t doing too badly in the happiness category. It’s like the juniors that crowd around the class ranking, scanning desperately while the freshmen even more desperately bump into them as they try to get to class that they still think they can’t get to in time. The juniors seem to think that if their ranking drops, their IQ is likewise dropping proportionally. Sort of like that, as the people around me with their trips to Disney World and Prozac got happier and happier, and all I could do was stand there just as desperately watching my HQ (happiness quotient) dropping while all the Happy People bumped into me on their way to their travel agents or psychologists.

My parents were cheap. They didn’t want to spend thousands of dollars on a vacation or on expensive drugs. I’m not saying they didn’t love me, but they just didn’t want to spend any of their money on me. Which was fine because no matter how much money they spent, my feelings about myself would not get better. Their spending all that money wouldn’t make the Happy People less happy, and I measured my own happiness on how many people were happier than me. And a whole lot were. Even some of the losers that hadn’t started their science project yet.

This is a sort of anticlimactic part in this for me. Should I lie and go with the title and say something about drugs? Why else would I mention my pee? I could say that I got a thousand dollars for my birthday and got addicted to day trading and made $250,000 and satiated thus with money, I turned to drugs. Expensive ones of course, because if you have $250,000 you’re not going to be sniffing White Out or anything. Really. Once you start drugs, a pee-in-the-cup drug test is inevitable. Or at least I can make it inevitable just so I can put the word inevitable into this because I like the word inevitable. Or I can forget the whole day trading thing and say that the environment provided by my parents was perfect for an Olympic champ in, oh I don’t know…swimming. Feeling discouraged by all those Happy People, I could be pressured by my own desires to take steroids or the like and then the pee test would follow. But those bore me now. Why don’t I just say what happened? So I don’t scare anyone.

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