No Longer
By:Connie Spector
Visions of darkness appear brighter than the pain.
No longer do I feel, no longer do I desire.
The guilt and self hatred has destroyed
The love and compassion once felt, once cherished.
I can no longer go on.
One light in the vastness shines through,
The hope of survival so waned.
But this light embraces me, calls out to me,
Given to me by someone who hates hearing that
I can no longer go on.
One disappointment after another is
What I have been, letting down so many around me,
So many reminders of my failures.
But the light that shines through won't hear that
I can no longer go on.
This light is my friend, fighting for me,
Never dimming, always encouraging and loving.
When I call out into the darkness, she is there.
Sometimes I want her to let me go, for
I can no longer go on.
But she hangs onto me, holding me,
Not willing to let me go, as I ask,
Please don't stop me from ending this pain.
Her hope is strong even as I say
I can no longer go on.
I have had many chances to stop the suffering.
Why do I always look for the light?
The darkness is scary; it could be over so quickly.
Something inside tells me to reach out to her when I feel
I can no longer go on.
Hours turn into days, days into weeks,
How does this light not dim and burn out?
It is the light of her love, and she holds it to light my way.
Fighting me, not allowing me to say
I can no longer go on.
One hour goes by that is less painful, a glimmer of hope.
Could it be that she has shared her light with me?
Could it be that one hour turns into one day?
Could a light be shining inside of me, too, unwilling to say
I can no longer go on.
So much pain, so much emptiness, so much hopelessness and fear,
Yet the light of my friend keeps shining over me, giving me hope.
For the first time in so long, maybe I can feel again.
For the first time in so long, something inside tells me I can't say
I can no longer go on.
It is the strength of this light that has kept me from self-destruction.
This light is my friend, one who loves me, fights for me, and
Never gives up on me no matter how terrible the pain becomes.
Perhaps some day, with her light at my side, I can stop saying
I can no longer go on.
Copyright © 2002 Connie Spector
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Connie Spector describes herself as a freelance writer and photographer.
I am a 41-year-old white female, happily married with no living children. We have a lab named Kirby, and two cats, Boomer and Dusty. We live in Clinton Township, Michigan, and we enjoy our home and yard very much.
I have been writing for 20 years. However, only recently have I been concentrating on trying to become published. I have gone back to college and am pursuing an English degree. I hope to become a published writer but would also like to teach college level English and Literature classes some day.
My other interests include animals, golf, cycling, nature/landscape photography, computers, yard work/gardening, camping, and car travel.
Please take a moment and visit Connie's website.
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Please send any comments on this piece to:
Survivor Haven
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June/July 2002 Issue
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