A Gift Is Still A Gift
Most of Part I of ‘A Gift Is Still a Gift’ was my carefully thought out and carefully crafted response to a story sent to me by e-mail. While I believe it’s equally important, a follow-up e-mail I sent later was written when I was angry and defensive. It doesn’t change my belief in what I said, but the style is a different and far more confrontational (not the good kind of confrontation) because I was pissed off.M_______ sent me an e-mail saying the following: The story, whether factual or not, embodies the real principle that a little kindness can go a long ways. - M
As I said, I am still often very defensive. I got ticked off thinking he was criticizing me and responded immediately rather than stopping to think it through. I am editing the content slightly for four reasons:
1. To keep it to a PG rating more-or-less. 2. I choose not to include names other than my own and have used initials instead. 3. I’m making it a little more legible. Friend M_______ has known me a long time and I expect him to be able to keep up with me when my mind bounces. I try to avoid expecting that of others. 4. I deleted one paragraph for reasons of my own.
I didn't say that people shouldn't be kind. Kindness is good. Kindness is very good. But taking responsibility for someone else's actions isn't. It's arrogance and/or self-importance and/or it's a control mechanism or however you want to phrase it. It's trying to convince oneself that one has control over everything one touches.
Well, we don't. We do the best we can and that's it. Commend the problem to whatever higher power; ask for help in recognizing ways to help when possible, work at recognizing an opportunity when it arrives and following through; and then let it go!
I stopped before some suicide attempts because of something (apparently) random catching my attention but not before other attempts. The problem wasn't people reaching out to me. The problem was that I couldn't recognize it or felt unworthy of the help. The problem was that I believed I was so broken that I could never be fixed. I believed that for as long as you knew me until maybe 2, maybe 3 years ago. The problem was within me and it's taken a lot of serious hard work and thought to change.
For some of us, all the reaching out in the world doesn't matter one Gods be damned bit because all it does is set up a conflict. We believe someone is honest, therefore the attempt to help is honest, BUT we also believe that if they really knew us, if they really knew us the way we know us, they would realize they were mistaken and walk away.
That's what my mindset was. The only person in the world that I believed differently of at that time was A____. I knew she loved me and that she would no matter what. But that had nothing to do with me. It had to do with who A____ is.
OK, I'm calming down now. You're entitled to your opinion. I obviously either don't agree with it or am misunderstanding something you said. Did I misunderstand?
I did indeed misunderstand what he meant. I jumped to a conclusion that I was being criticized and got angry. My mistake, and an unhealthy reaction which I’m working on. As you can see, I have more work to do. However, while I was totally wrong in reacting the way I did, I also believe in making lemonade out lemons and believed that what I said to him was important.
When I wrote the original e-mail response, I started out by explaining why I know so much about it. Then I realized that a few of the people I sent it to don’t know much about the past five years of my life so I went back and deleted the history and explanations.
Don’t get me wrong, if they ask, I will answer truthfully. But while we were friends before the breakdown, we haven’t really stayed in touch all that much other than an occasional e-mail. That would be a hell of a way to drop that bombshell on them and they don’t deserve it. Also it would have been in part, an attempt to draw attention to me and might have lessened what I was trying to get across.
When I made that decision I realized something about myself. I’m finally beginning to believe that I am important (to me and to people who know me) and am therefore, beginning to let go the need to ‘act’ important. For me, that is as big a breakthrough as any insight someone else might get from what I wrote. Wow! I hope it sticks.
As I write this, it occurs to me that someone(s) might think that they shouldn’t reach out and try to help. That is not what I’m saying. I believe in reaching out. I believe in letting people know that I care and that if I can help, I will – within limits – and I decide what those limits are. I am also very aware that I can’t fix somebody else and if they don’t show an inclination to work on something for themselves, I will probably suggest they find help elsewhere. Yes, there are exceptions to this. I’m human.
Looking back I can see that while there were indeed conflicts created, those very conflicts also created something – doubt. Doubt that I was worthless. Doubt that I was so broken that I couldn’t be fixed. Maybe enough doubt that it helped swing my decision toward life eventually. It is possible that if one less person had reached out that I would have tried harder and succeeded. I don’t know and I’m not fond of the ‘what if’ game, so I’m not going to play it. If you are, please feel free.
One of the people I sent that e-mail to was Tenna Perry. She asked me if I would be willing for her to publish it. I said yes but that I wanted to take a look at it first because I knew there were things I wanted to add for Survivor Haven. They were the things that I started out writing when I composed the original e-mail. I put it to the side and then I received the e-mail from M_______,
I ended up writing to M_______ what I had been thinking adding, which is probably why it was as coherent as it was. However, it was far less polite and far more confrontational in the angry sense than I would prefer. I’ve apologized to him for biting his head off. I’d like to thank him for being as gracious as he was in his response.
Thank you M_______. Also, Thank you A_____. You are very special people. Mostly especially, Thank you Tenna for creating the Haven. You done good and we who come to visit appreciate it and you greatly.
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