Back when I was your age, Ryan Adams had this band called Whiskeytown. He had the band in the sense that he could fire anyone any day of the week. Then there were these guys, Ken, Murry, Philip, and Rhett that had this band called the Old 97s. They had the band in the sense that they didn't kick each other out of the band when they hadn't gotten enough crack that morning. That wouldn't have been a problem, though, considering none of them smoked crack.
The 97s played at small bars and made their living out of a tip jar. At the show they would ask the crowd if they could crash at someone's house that night. Whiskeytown was doing the same thing because they hadn't gotten their stupid bus with the ridiculous satellite dish on top. They 97s got so popular because they were such nice house guests and never left the seat up on the toilet, etc., fans would PAY them to stay at their house. This was all fine and dandy with everyone, excluding Whiskeytown.
The folks in THAT band were not so nice. They all chain-smoked in the kitchen, didn't make the beds, and Ryan had a terrible problem with the bathroom. See, he insisted on teasing his hair up all the time so he shedded everywhere and made big hair balls on the floor. It's just about the grossest thing in the world to get a hair ball suck between your toes...
Whiskeytown was jealous of our fave band in the world so when Ryan hit the crack pipe during shows, he would crack nasty (tasteless and cheesy) yo mama jokes about the 97s. When my Dallas home boys heard about this, they were pretty freakin ticked off. I mean, what does a freak of nature like Ryan Adams have buisiness making yo mama jokes? His mama would be ashamed of him...
97 fans don't like this so they decide to go steal all the whiskey Ryan Adams owns, pour it out, steal his lunch money, and break his crack pipe so that it no longer draws. They left the empty bottles and a mangled mess of glass and metal and plastic for Ryan to find. He does, and in a rage, slashes all the wheels on the 97s' tour van. Are they going to put up with this?
Noooooo.
SO the bands do stuff like this to each other until the 97s finally decide that they can win in the maturity department if nothing else and make the Ryan Adam's band look stupid for being so immature and dumb and crack babies.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. That is my story.
~Ellen
