Guilt--Gabrielle's Scroll

I woke up to hear Xena’s labored breathing, thinking she may be having a nightmare. I sat up to collect her in my arms and instead got quite a shock at what I beheld. It was instant arousal for me, but soon following was a deep regret in my heart for what I had allowed. My untruths would eventually threaten to destroy my life.

Her knees were raised and parted under the bedroll, and I watched as the movement of her hand appeared to thrust beneath the covers. Her eyes were shut and then I heard her whisper my name as she neared her peak. I couldn’t believe that I had ignored her needs to this extent. It had been a month since Hope’s birth, and while my body felt physically capable of making love, my mind wouldn’t afford me the luxury. I was held captive by my own guilt, and making Xena feel that she couldn’t tell me she needed my touch.

“I’m sorry, Xena,” I finally spoke out loud. Her body stopped all movements, and I didn’t want her to feel embarrassed.

I scooted from my bedroll over to hers and turned back her cover to find her fingers still buried inside her center. “I’m sorry, Xena…I’ve been neglecting you, haven’t I?” I took my place between her legs and vowed to block out every worry or care that had plagued my mind. I could not, and would not allow this to happen again. I had failed Xena miserably and she had no idea. As I bowed my head to make love to her, we maintained our eye contact and I whispered, “Xena…you want it so bad, don’t you? Let me take care of you, Baby.”

It had been so long since I had tasted her, and I felt my pussy gush as I slowly licked up her slit. I could never forget her taste, but it was always as captivating as the first time I partook of her intoxicating fruit. As always, it reminded me that I truly loved her more than anything, and being with her right now was the most important thing in the world.

“You taste so good, Xena.” I slowly pushed my tongue inside her hole, making certain to treat all my taste buds equally. “I don’t think I could ever get my fill of your juices. Mmm…and your scent makes it taste even better…” I could feel her opening wider, needing more. I took three fingers at once and spread her tight, finding plenty of lubrication to let me slide in and out. What I would give to have a certain body part.

I continued talking to her as I took little breaks from teasing and coaxing her clit. But Xena was ready…we had not made love since before the incident in Dahak’s temple. I watched her chest heaving, forcing her hardened nipples to raise without my mouth on them. Then she raised her head and looked at me, almost begging. “Please, Gabrielle…please suck on my clit…I need you to so badly…”

“Yesss…” she rasped, as I wasted no time letting her clit practically fill my mouth. She was extremely hard and swollen and very easy for me to nurse. I tried to suck her in long, hard strokes, letting my tongue rub down to the entrance of her sex as I continually pumped her to orgasm. She bucked wildly against me and I reached up and held onto her waist, loving the way her body felt when she let herself go.

I let my body rest on hers, and I enjoyed feeling her hand gently stroke my face. She asked if I was all right, and my heart fell because I hated it that we had been put in this situation. We hadn’t asked for any of it to happen, but since the shocking birth of my child, things had changed whether we liked it or not. It didn’t make me love her any less. If anything, I loved her more than ever. She had proven her love to me in such a way I could never doubt her devotion.

“Yeah…I’m just fine. I really needed to do that.”

“Just fine?” She seemed disappointed.

“I feel pretty good, in fact.” And it was true. I felt better since I was able to express my love to Xena.

She pulled me up beside her and began kissing me, making me feel that things could be all right again. A lot had happened since she last touched me, both to my body and especially my mind--things that threatened to make me uncomfortable being this vulnerable.

Her mouth felt oh so wonderful covering mine, the inside of her mouth so velvety and warm. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me against her body. I had moved my leg over her mound. Her hips were moving in such a way that my cunt was receiving a good workout, and soon I straddled her, pushing myself into her and feeling my underwear quickly becoming saturated.

She pulled her mouth away from mine and said, “I want to taste you…will you allow me the pleasure?”

“As long as I can taste you at the same time.”

She seemed okay with that request, but when she reached to untie my shirt, I suddenly realized I just couldn’t handle being that open and exposed. “Please, Xena…I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.” Now that I look back, I can see it was the truth I didn’t want exposed…the fact that I had lied to her.

“Xena, I want to make love with you, but I don’t think I’m ready for the full experience yet. Can we please keep our clothes on?”

“Of course, we can, My Love,” she calmly answered, but looking a bit confused why I didn’t feel comfortable with her. It wasn’t anything she had done. I was the one at fault, and I hated myself for it.

Feeling Xena’s mouth on me for the first time in weeks was producing extremely aquatic results between my legs. The sad part is I couldn’t let myself just enjoy it and mainly lost myself busying my suction around her clit and plunging my fingers deep inside her sex. I wanted to come; I wanted to feel all the sparks she could ignite throughout my body…but after bringing her to a rather abrupt orgasm, I had gone as far as I could go. Thoughts of my baby, whether evil or not, flooded my senses more than my wetness between my legs. The baby will have starved to death if someone hasn’t found her by now. I was a complete failure as a mother.

“Stop, Xena, please stop…”

I felt her release my body in every way, and I don’t think I remember feeling more disappointed with my life than I did at that moment. Not only did I have a baby to worry about, I had to hide my feelings about it. The other problem was looking at me from her bedroll. The woman I loved most in all the world most likely felt like she had been abandoned, too. I pulled my underwear up and just sat there, awkward and torn. “I thought I could do it…I thought I was ready…” Tears were stinging my eyes.

Xena pulled me into her embrace and tried to accept all the blame for this extremely uncomfortable situation. “It’s my fault, Gabrielle. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

I never stopped disagreeing with her, because she had done nothing wrong. She had waited patiently on me since Hope was born, giving me plenty of space and love. I had no doubt of her dedication to me. She probably felt that I didn’t love her enough, or that the thrill of loving her was gone. That was so far from the truth.

My heart was continually troubled because I had to deal with the fact that I chose to give my baby a chance to live, and forever keep it completely to myself. If I would have allowed Xena to kill her, I could not have lived with myself. Yet if Xena knew I had spared the child, there’s no telling what she might do. Would she stay with me? Would she hunt the child down and kill it? I understood it was Dahak’s seed, but Hope was also a part of my flesh. Maybe she wouldn’t be evil. I only tried to do the right thing.

I just knew I wish we had never met a man named Khrafstar.

The last thing I remember that night is my body going limp as she held me in her embrace. I needed her more than ever and could not possibly lose her.

Some time later, I woke up and found that Xena had tucked me in all snug and was stretched out beside me resting quietly. I lay there and looked at her gorgeous face for a long time. She was my perfect companion…my lover, my teacher, my counselor…she covered every area of my life I could imagine, and did it all flawlessly. I had never known a stronger person or anyone with more courage. She meant everything to me.

I had to focus on getting past what had happened in Britannia. Certain damage had been done, but we could work through this. Together, we could be strong enough to face any obstacle and I vowed right then to move on. I had to, or I was going to lose Xena. I couldn’t expect her to live each day with such stress and turmoil in our relationship. I had to accept that I had done the best I could considering the situation with Hope and it was now behind me. It would forever haunt my heart, but I could not let it rob me from the rest of my life.

There was no way I could go back to sleep. It was still plenty dark and hours before daylight, so I decided to get up for awhile.

I moved as quietly as a mouse, watching Xena and trying not to wake her. She had gotten dressed again except for her armor after she laid me on the bedrolls. I wanted to lean down and kiss her, but knew it would wake her.

I walked a short distance from the camp and sat looking into the sky, silently praying to anyone who could hear me to please watch over my baby, and above all, cause her to be good.

It didn’t take long for Xena to sense that I was gone. She walked around to face me, still putting on the rest of her gear.

“Everything all right?”

I smiled up at her and answered, “Fine…I was just thinking.” And then I told her, “Thank you.”

“For what?” she asked, seeming completely surprised that I had anything to thank her for.

“For sticking by me through everything…”

“Likewise, I’m sure.”

I looked up at her and told her, “I hope I never disappoint you, Xena.”

“Impossible,” she said.

“I’ve learned that anything is possible.” Gods, what an understatement. And when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, another test of our love was about to unfold. I whispered to her, “There’s somebody in the shadows by the poplar tree.”

“I know…”

Xena met the intruder before he could get to us, and we found him to be injured and looking for Xena. He said he was sent by the Weak One, and as I tried to decipher what he meant, these incredible warriors appeared out of nowhere and began attacking us. Xena fought them off and was trying to get back to the messenger before he died. He told Xena that the Green Dragon must be made small again.

Xena’s eyes widened and her expression changed when she realized what he was saying. I had no clue about any of this, and suddenly my trauma was put on the back shelf as I began trying to unravel the mystery of my lover’s past.

Xena immediately began packing up our things even with the night sky around us. I walked up behind her and Argo. She said, “I’m going on a long journey.”

You’re going on a long journey? What happened to we?”

I thought she wasn’t going to answer me for a minute. “This time’s different,” she said, not offering any more information that she had to.

She said she was going to the Land of the Rising Sun, which was in the Far East. “If you came, you couldn't get in my way."

“Are you saying I’m a nuisance?”

"No, you just wouldn't like what I'm going there to do."

“Is the Green Dragon a person?” I couldn’t help but ask questions. Out of the blue, she was being summoned to travel farther away than I had ever thought about, and she didn’t want me to go. Of course, considering what happened in Britannia, she probably thought it best that I didn’t accompany her. I seemed to be quite talented at attracting problems. She finally told me she was going there to commit a murder.

The next morning we left early, going to the nearest village to buy heavy coats. I guess this meant I could at least travel with her all the way to the ship. I would take what time I could get. Maybe by then I could change her mind.

As we traveled, she told me about her days with Borias in Chin, and how she came to meet Lao Ma. The more she talked, the more I could hear the traces of love from so long ago still lingering on her tongue and in her heart. And the love wasn’t for Borias. It was for Lao Ma.

When we reached a small village about two hours from Xena’s departure city, Xena gave us a wonderful treat by getting us a room. Gods, it had been forever it seemed since I got to slide between nice, clean sheets.

We had a quiet dinner, literally. Xena seemed preoccupied and I was preoccupied with her silence. Maybe I had waited too long and pushed her away. Maybe she didn’t want me anymore. With the way she spoke about Lao Ma, her mind may have been elsewhere.

She told me to go on up to the room and she would take care of Argo for the night. She was gone for quite a long time. I tried writing, but that was impossible. I knew I would simply have to wait for her to return before there was anything in the room that interested me. I wanted to give my body to her, to ask her to love me. I only hoped she wouldn’t deny me the pleasure. In the meantime I built a fire and lay across the bed, imagining her touch. Everything unpleasant, I blocked away.

Finally, I heard the door open and it was my Warrior. I was sitting on the bed and watched as she removed her coat and armor and warmed herself in front of the fire. She sat down on the rug in front of the fireplace. Stretching and making herself comfortable, I saw her back arch and thought how I would love to be between her legs again and the reason for that arch as she came in my mouth.

I hopped off the bed and retrieved our phallus from the saddlebag and pitched it so that it landed on the floor in front of Xena. “I’m ready for you, Xena,” I told her, standing between her and the fireplace. I began unlacing my blouse. “I’m more than ready for you…my cunt is crying out for your touch.”

I slipped off my skirt and panties, watching her eyes never leave my movements. Gods, I hoped she wanted this, too. I needed her in such a way that she could not possibly understand. I needed her strength. I needed to feel her encompassing my body. I needed to hear her say she loved me and wouldn’t leave me.

She began removing her leathers and soon we were lying on the rug. “Lie down, my beautiful bard,” she said, leaning me back and planting kiss after kiss across my stomach down to my center. I pulled her on top of me, taking her nipples into my mouth as her breasts seem to reach for me. When her mouth finally met mine, she kissed me with such intensity and passion.

“Put it on, now, please Xena,” I whimpered, reaching for the phallus that lay beside us. “I have to have you inside me.”

I drew up my knees and spread them wide, beckoning her to cover me, to fill me with her commanding authority. I watched as she adjusted the harness and then knelt to satisfy my need

Before she reached my body, I rubbed my own pussy, finding it wetter than I had imagined. With my right hand, I reached between her legs beneath the harness and found her hot to the touch. Gods, what she did to me…feeling her juices on my fingers only made me crave her more.

I reached for her erection, rubbing both our juices on her, pushing the phallus gently into her clit in almost a stroking motion. I saw her hips go back and forth as her eyes rolled shut. I raised up and took her nipple into my mouth, sucking her hard and collecting her taste on my tongue.

“I was laying there in bed, thinking of you,” I told her, remaining in my half-sitting position looking into her beautiful eyes. I pushed the phallus a little harder into her cunt, and said, “I was lying in bed all I could think about was having you buried inside me, your body covering me with your own, your arms wrapped around me, making love to me…”

She followed me down onto the rug and kissed me again, letting her nipples grind into my chest and occasionally over my own nipples. I raised my hips toward her, offering her all that I had. In my mind I lay onto the altar my offering; which was my body, my mind, my heart, my love and my soul. I wanted her to consume me.

She guided her length into me, my center receiving her for the first time since the birth of my child. There was no pain, but her movements were slow and careful at first. She could feel herself easily sliding in and out of my body “Yesss…” was all I could say.

I ran my fingers through her hair and over her shoulders, closing my eyes and just feeling my Warrior make love to me. “Gods, Xena…”

“Hmmm? You okay?”

“Yes…more than okay. It’s so good…”

I wrapped my legs around her waist and felt her thrusting a little harder, my pussy swallowing her every dose. “I love you, Xena…I’ll love you now and always, no matter what. Don’t ever forget that.”

She buried her face into my hair, kissing my neck and sucking my flesh into her mouth. I felt her teeth bite lightly into my skin as she made goose bumps raise all over me. She was driving harder into me now, quickening her thrusts. I heard myself moaning at the sensation slowly overtaking my body. I loved it when it built this way, almost excruciatingly, but definitely rewarding in the end.

“Oh gods! Xena…” I said, digging my nails into her back. I felt like I couldn’t pull her close enough to me.

The climax was perfect, and Xena was to thank for that. She knew how to keep me riding the crest for as long as possible. When I caught my breath, I told her, “Thank you, Xena. Thank you so much.”

“It was my pleasure, My Love,” she said, smiling down at me and soon trying to pull out of me. “Wait! You aren’t done, are you?” I locked my legs more tightly around her waist. She held her upper half off me with her arms on each side of my shoulders. Looking very uncomfortable and stammering, she said, “I uh…really need to get some sleep, Gabrielle.”

She had to be kidding. She was going to be leaving in the morning and she didn’t want me to touch her? Had she made love to me out of obligation or necessity? I looked up at her not believing what I was hearing. I finally loosened my grip on her and brought my legs down and laid there feeling…I don’t know what…as she pulled herself out of me.

Watching in disbelief as she put her shift back on, I continued to lie there. She even got into bed without me. Was she deliberately trying to show me she didn’t need or want my touch? Wouldn’t she want me to make love to her all night if she was indeed going to be gone for weeks? I must have really turned her off the other night when I made her stop.

She turned her back to me and remained silent. I finally got up and got dressed. I wasn’t sure if she wanted me in bed with her or not, but I didn’t give her the option. I crawled into bed behind her and outlined her back with my body pressed against her. “Good night, Xena.”

“Good night, Gabrielle.” She hesitated a bit and finally said, “I’m sorry.”

She obviously didn’t want to explain to me why she did what she did. I was okay with her not wanting me to touch her, but I just wanted her to at least acknowledge I was still in the room.

We both slept all night, and when I saw the sun coming into our room, my heart sank with dread. Today was really the day she was going to leave me. I tried to prove to her that I would work through my problems and be completely devoted to her every need, as always.

We got dressed and started traveling toward the dock. It was a two-hour ride, and we both felt and acted like Zombies. I clung to her, wrapping my arms around her and resting my head against her back. She covered my hands with one of her strong hands. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and asked her to tell me the story again about how she kidnapped Ming T’ien.

When we finally arrived, I told her I didn’t think I could go with her, because of the assassination she was about to commit. It was another lifetime for her, and a journey she obviously felt pressed to make. The fact that she was willing to leave me behind was what made my decision.

She pulled me to her and kissed the top of my head. “I understand.”

I had to make certain she wanted to do this. “You owe someone so much, that you would just throw away these last few years."

With great regret in her eyes, she pierced my heart when she said, “Yes.”

She handed Argo’s reins to me and gently kissed me once more, making me feel a tiny bit better. “I’ll see you soon,” she said, and began walking up the small bridge to board the ship.

As soon as the ship began pulling away from the dock, I saw her raise her hand. Standing there completely numb and not believing this was happening, I raised a very heavy hand to wave goodbye, and turned away, not wanting to accept her choice.

COMING NEXT WEEK: In the conclusion of the Debt, Xena and Gabrielle continue to fight their feelings in Ming T’ien’s palace, and later attempt to work things out as only they can.

Xena's Scroll
The Xena and Gabrielle XXX Scrolls Page 3