Memories of Illusia--Xena's Scroll (Part 1)

Shame was one of the emotions I've learned to live with. It could be added to the list that includes guilt, regret, anger, and horror. They are all emotions I feel when I think about the past.

However shame was an emotion that was ongoing, and building. I feel regret and the other emotions in regards to the things I had done. I would do all I could do to ensure I never let them happen again. There was one hidden secret, however, that I regretted, felt guilty over, filled me with horror, and made me angry with my own self. And worse of all, I was deeply ashamed of it because it excited me, aroused me, and pleasured me to think about over and over in my head.

The ironic thing is, it never really happened. Not really, but I knew enough of the gods' alternate visions to know it could just as easily happened if it were allowed. For those who haven't experienced it, it's difficult to explain. But suffice it to say that although it didn't really happened, it COULD have, if circumstances had been slightly different.

Gabrielle and I had just been through the most painful experience of our relationship. We didn't speak of it much, because the agony was too raw; too near the surface. As a result of great dishonesty on both our parts, my son and Gabrielle's daughter were both dead. But somehow, and I don't know exactly know how, my son Solan had managed to bring us to the world of Illusia. It was a magical world, in which Gabrielle and I were forced to confront our true feelings, as painful as they might be. Once we had been completely honest with each other, we had forgiven each other. Now we were closer than ever, and clichéd as it sounded, knew nothing could ever come between us.

That's the reason my shame was so pronounced. I loved Gabrielle completely and would go through anything to keep her from feeling pain again. I would go through the fires of Tartarus to make sure she as healthy and happy. That is the truth. But there was something else, something I hadn't been able to share with Gabrielle concerning my visit to Illusia. For the first part of our journey, we were led separately. Joxer and Lila were Gabrielle's guides, while I had the deadly combination of Callisto and Ares. While Gabrielle was being encouraged to seek out a peaceful life; I was being reminded how successful I was as a warlord, leading an army to stomp on anything that got in my way.

Somewhere, during the elaborate song and dance number, Illusia melted away and I found myself in the command tent I had used for years, when I was at the height of my power. Nothing had changed. Ares was there, as well, and he explained to me that this was what could have been, if I had not made Gabrielle a part of my life. "Think of the pain in your heart," he whispered in my ear. His husky voice sent goosebumps down my flesh, as he stroked my arms. "You know who brought it on. Was it worth it to have your own flesh and blood slaughtered with no remorse? This Gabrielle doesn't love you, doesn't pretend to love you, and instead, is filled with hatred and fear. Feed off that…you can do whatever you want, with no remorse, and one but you will never know. Let your passions flow."

With these words, Ares kissed my ear, tugging slightly on the lobe with his teeth, and then he stepped away. Some sort of portal appeared, and he stepped through and vanished. In the portal, I could see the event that led up to our Illusia trip; Gabrielle's treachery, my finding my dead son; and Gabrielle's gleeful laughing over my pain. My heart was so full of rage and sorrow and bloodlust, that I was blinded at the time to the fact that the view of Gabrielle laughing was from a long time before the events in the centaur village. I didn't care. All I wanted was to hurt Gabrielle in the deepest ways possible. That's all I could think of. That's all I could see.

"My Lord?"

The portal faded and I spun around to face that had spoken. I got a glimpse of myself in the looking glass along the far wall. Instead of my usual battle leathers, I was cloaked in the more intimidating armor of my past. The shoulder guards jutted out past my own body into sharpened points, and a purple cape was attached to it. My scabbard was at my waist, rather than strapped to my back, and my breastplate's design was different from the one I had been wearing for years. It thrust my breasts up higher, leaving more pronounced cleavage.

The man who had spoken was standing at attention just inside the tent. "What is it?" I barked. Even my own voice sounded different in my years, sharper and higher and more impatient.

"I have brought the one you summoned."

I could see the lustful look in his eye, and knew what he meant. If I had summoned one of my own men to the tent, he would have come on his own, with no guard to announce him. The presence of this guard meant I had ordered a captive to my tent.

"Bring them in and leave us," I snapped.

The guard, whom I didn't recognize, nodded, and ducked outside the tent. Seconds later, he reentered, tugging a rope. He jerked on it, and a figure burst through the entrance, sprawling out onto the floor. The guard handed me the rope, and dutifully exited the tent.

There she was, in all her golden-haired, innocent-acting glory. I immediately took in a few things; She was dressed in the long peasant skirt and blue sweater she wore when I first saw her. The skirt had pulled up some, and I could she her legs were slender and curvy, but not toned into the amazing muscle I had explored so many times. She couldn't straighten herself as her arms were tied behind her back, but she lifted her head. She didn't raise it enough to look at me though; she was just trying to draw a breath. She was trembling.

I felt the first wave of arousal as I stepped toward her, and reached behind her, grasping the rope that bound her hands behind her back. I yanked upward, pulling her to her knees. I heard her sharp intake of breath, as she kept her head lowered.

Deliberately, I began circling her, my arms crossed across my chest. If she chanced to look up, I wanted her to see me at my most intimidating.

"Well, well, well," I mused. "What have we here? A new toy." She didn't respond.

I chuckled to myself, and silently thanked Ares for his hand in this. It was superb. I reached a hand under her chin, and tilted her head up, to look into her eyes. There was terror there, and great sadness. But I couldn't tell if there was recognition.

"You are a beautiful little slut, you know that?" I taunted, continuing to hold her gaze.

Again, there was no response. I backhanded her, amused by the way her head jerked back with an open-mouthed expression of pain. I felt the warm tightness sobbing at my center. "When I ask you a question, you are to answer it. Do you understand me?"

"Yes," she stammered.

I backhanded the other side of her face, felling an answering jolt in my sex. "Yes, what?" I demanded.

"Yes…how do you want me to address you?" She was quaking now, and I could see her jaw clenching if she had earned another slap. I hadn't hit her very hard, but she and I both know I could do incredible damage if I allowed myself.

"Hmmmm…" I pretended to think about it, then told her. "You address me as Mistress, for that is what I am to you. I own you."

"Yes, Mistress." Somehow, she had managed to lower her eyes again.

Gods, this was so sweet! "Very good," I purred deceptively. I walked away intentionally leaving her in the same uncomfortable position. On a nearby table was a decanter of mead. I poured myself a goblet full, and took a deep swallow. The taste burned all the way down. I hadn't had it in years. But the burn was good. It matched another burn in my body.

I sat down and eyeballed her. "What's your name, Slut?"

"Gabrielle, Mistress." Her tone of voice revealed much. It told me I already knew her name. I could hear it in her questioning tone.

"Not tonight, it's not. Tonight you will answer to slut, whore, cunt, slave, and any other name that occurs to me. Y' got that?"

"Yes, Mistress."

I tried to be casual as I continued. "Where did I obtain you, Slut?"

There was more confusion in her voice. "In Potodeia, Mistress. Draco had captured the women of my village, and you killed him."

So THAT's what happened. "Oh yes, of course," I responded, intentionally keeping my tone light. I wanted to give her the impression she was so meaningless to me that she was just one of many I had enslaved. "How long ago was that?"

"Almost a year now, Mistress," she stammered.

"And what have you spent that year doing in your service to me?"

"I've been transcribing scrolls, Mistress."

"Do you like that?"

She hesitated, her brain telling her I was catching her in a trap. "Yes, Mistress," she finally answered.

I laughed without mirth. "Too bad, Whore. Because your duties are about to change."

I saw her shoulders slump in response. It caused me to smile ferally. "Look at me, Slave."

She jerked her head upwards, and her eyes found mine. They were sparkling in tears, and I felt my own body water elsewhere in response. "Don't you have something you want to say to me," I asked her, milking the moment for all I could. Her mind was searching for the proper response.

"I don't know what to say, Mistress," she finally said, her voice soft.

I laughed that cold laugh again. "Since you're new to this, I'll tell you this time. Anytime I do something for you, you are to express your gratitude at my generosity."

"Thank you, Mistress," came the immediate response.

"And then you show your gratitude."

I saw another tremor quake through her bent body. "How do I do that, Mistress?" she whispered.

"Oh, there are all kinds of ways," I replied easily, as images of her face buried beneath my skirt rushed into my mind. Oh yes, that had to be happening soon. "But since you're new to this…I'll take it easy on you. You may thank me by kissing my boots." I crossed my legs, and stuck my right foot out for emphasis.

Her head lifted a bit, and I saw a deep flush covering her fair skin. She couldn't walk to me, because her bound hands kept her from getting to her feet. She had to shuffle-crawl to close the distance between us.

Her lips brushed the shiny tip of my boot and I heard another mumbled "Thank you, Mistress."

I made a show of uncrossing my legs only to recross them again, my left leg on top now, and my cunt gulped when I saw her eyes were lingering there between my thighs as I did so. The scent of my arousal wafted up to my nose, and she was much closer to the source. I saw her swallow unconsciously as she kissed the other boot with another hushed "thank you, Mistress."

"You're welcome, Slave," I told her. She sank back on her haunches, her head still lowered. I knew what was in her mind.

"You're curious…" I whispered, my hand coming out to stroke her soft cheek. She flinched, but as my hand remained calm, she relaxed against me…even moved her head into my touch a bit.

"Yes, Mistress," she replied, and it took me a moment to realize what she was referring to. Touching her luscious skin was enough to make me lose my train of thought.

"You want to know your new duties."

"Yes, Mistress."

The air was so heavy around us suddenly. I thought of all the things I wanted to say to her…all the things that would bring color to her face and moisture to my center. She was new to this, I could tell, and I had the feeling no one else had touched her intimately. Yet, I couldn't miss the desire in her voice…I had heard it in the real Gabrielle's enough times. I turned the tables, as I was so good at doing. "You tell me, Slave," I said slowly. "What would you like your new duties to be?"

It was another trap, and we both knew it. She paused, then her tentative voice washed over me like her tongue. "Whatever will bring pleasure to you, Mistress."

Oh, gods, it was the perfect response! I had to gain control, and quickly. I wanted to enjoy this for as long as I could, drawing out her discomfort and suffering until I could writhe in it. She was sounding far too confident for me.

"Good answer, Slave," I responded. "But I take my pleasure in a lot of ways. I would take pleasure in filleting the skin off your lovely body, and watching you slowly bleed to death. And I would take pleasure in setting you loose in a circle of my men, with the single order of 'fuck her to death.' Oh yes, that would bring me MUCH pleasure." I gave a moan and swept my hand up the inside of my thigh to palm against my covered center. I pressed myself firmly, and moaned again. She watched it all.

"But that pleasure is too brief…and I can only have it once. Let's think of a different way for you to bring me pleasure."

Relief sagged through her at some of the images I had given her before were seemingly ruled out by my words. I'm sure she was well aware of why she was there now, if there had been any doubts before.

"Ah, I have it," I chuckled, as though it had just first occurred to me. I stood above her, until her nose was level with my crotch. "Are any thoughts occurring to you, Whore?"

I saw her blink, and the color rose unbidden to her cheeks again. "Yes, Mistress," she croaked.

Gods, I couldn't stand this…the intensity was too much. And the ironic truth was, I was feeling the urge to do things to her that I had NEVER done before, with any of my captives. The rumors of me being the Defiler of Women were just that…rumors. I had never forced my way with anyone. I simply didn't have to. But Gabrielle was different. I wanted to force her. I wanted to see her groveling at my feet, begging for something she didn't think she'd ever want.

"Tell me what they are, Cunt."

Her shoulders shook with the impact of that single statement. Her head was lowered so much all I could see was the top of her blonde head. "I'm not sure, Mistress," she finally managed to say.

I threw back my head and laughed in delight at her. I could see the signs of passion creeping into her demeanor, and it thrilled me. As terrified as she was of me, she still desired me. I now had the challenge I had been seeking. To take that desire she felt and twist it into something dark and scary that I could drain of anything promising. I would take her innocent fantasies, some of which I was very familiar with, and ruin them forever, just like I planned on ruining her.

I sobered almost immediately. "Let me demonstrate some," I said, and I grabbed a handful of her silky hair and yanked her head to my crotch. Her head was instantly buried beneath my skirt in the image I had from minutes before. "Smell me…lick me…suck my juices, Bitch."

I felt her struggle for a second, trying to pull back to draw in a breath, and then I felt her relax again, and I felt her nose rubbing up and down my breeches, as she did as I had commanded her. I felt her tentative tongue licking at the leg band of my underwear, and knew she could taste my moisture that far south. And then I felt her mouth open, and she pressed it up against the wettest part of my breeches, siphoning for all she was worth.

It was nice…very, very nice. I heard her whimpering into me, and pressed her head harder, as I began to sway from the sensations. I began to massage the scalp my fingers were touching, and then realized what was happening and tugged fiercely again, wrenching her head away.

"That's enough, Cunt!" I snarled, before I lost control. I let the icy savageness of my basal urges creep into my narrowed eyes, rather than the joy I'd rather reveal. My teeth bared, and she gasped twice, once when I pulled her away and the other time when she caught my expression. She looked as though she thought she had displeased me.

I don't know why, but I felt the need to tell her, "You are very good at that, Slut. Very good. Have you done that before?"

"No, Mistress," she replied in her hushed tone, and I could see the tips of her ears reddening.

"Hmmm?" I prodded. "Are you sure? You're much too skilled not to have tasted of a woman before. When have you done this before?"

"Only in my dreams," came the admission.

I was glad she couldn't see my eyes widen at that statement. I doubt she intended to reveal that much. "So, you dream of pleasuring women, do you?"

"No, Mistress…I mean…yes, Mistress."

I used my grip in her hair to raise her head. "Which is it, Slut?"

Oh gods, her lips were trembling. "I dream of pleasuring you, Mistress," she finally managed, and then her eyes began to spill tears.

Any other Xena would have felt a tug at her heart over the tears, but all I felt was a sense of extreme satisfaction. I was going to make her give up her innocence, just as she had taken Solan's. And just as she had with Solan, I was making her give it up to someone who she thought she could trust…someone who in some way…loved her. It almost made me wish she knew who I really was…but that Gabrielle was too experienced.

"I hope your dreams are very, very violent," I said with undisguised lust. "And that you like to feel violated and taken in every sense of the word…because my pleasure knows no boundaries."

She continued to cry, but she stuck to her guns. "Whatever you desire, Mistress."

I reached down, and my hands found purchase in her blouse. With a single pull, I ripped the material down the middle, exposing her milky white flesh to my eyes. Traveling with me had darkened her skin a bit more…she now had a golden tan on her own body…but this Gabrielle was very inhibited about her fair body. Gods know I had a hard time convincing her it was all right to take a bath in front of me! I reveled in being able to touch this previously untouched skin.

"You have lovely tits, Slave," I whispered, trying to sound crude and disappointed in the tone of voice I came up with. I hated that word, but somehow, knew it would have the desired effect on her. It did.

"Offer them to me," I told her, and I saw her mind go to work, trying to comprehend what I wanted.

Finally, she thrust her bound hands further behind her back, and thrust her chest toward me, the tears still glistening on her cheeks. "They are yours, Mistress," she said in a quavery voice.

"Yes, they are," I chuckled, and my hand slapped across the left one, hard enough to leave an imprint. "Not enough color," I offered as she gasped out in pain.

She braced herself for what was coming, and my other palm slapped even harder against the right one. She swayed, and I saw her knees threaten to buckle, but they didn't. I just stood in amazement and watched as her tears dried, and the points of her nipples tightened and hardened before my eyes. Her areolas wrinkled and shrank and her breathing became harsh. She had enjoyed that! And gods help me, so did I!

"Oh, slave, you are FULL of surprises," I crooned, and I sank to my knees in front of her. I bent her back over my right arm, and began to lick over her neck and chest, enjoying the taste of perspiration that had broken out on her skin. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I became aware of the fact that she was groaning slightly, and pushing her hardened points toward my busy mouth.

She tasted different…and yet the same. I sucked hard on a nipple, chewing it lightly, and then sucked even harder, feeling her writhe and moan beneath me. I changed breasts, and heard her give out a hiss of pure pleasure. This wouldn't do…I didn't want her liking what happened to her. Time to change tactics.

I released her suddenly, and she fell back to the rug with a grunt, landing painfully on her bound arms. Her knees were bent, and her skirt had ridden up on her thighs, as her center was thrust toward me. Without ceremony, I reached into the waistband of her skirt, and jerked downward, revealing her lower half to my probing eyes.

She had a pair of underwear on that covered the lower half of her abdomen and all her good parts, but I felt my mouth water at the sight of her pale flesh. I had been aware of how desirable Gabrielle had from the moment we had first begun traveling together. But I had also bent on not acting on my fantasies, convinced Gabrielle's pureness was far too good for me to spoil with a night of wild passion with her under my lecherous gropes. But now…the situation was different.

Her eyes were closed, but that wouldn't do at all. I clapped my hand strongly to her mound, and felt the heat and wetness rush through to greet me as I bent over her body and pressed my face close to hers. "Look at me, Cunt," I whispered savagely, and when her terrified and, yes, aroused gaze met mine, I began to squeeze her flesh as I whispered to her. "You make me very hot…I love your whimperings and the marks on your flesh from my hand. I want you to watch everything I do to you…and learn. I'm sure your dreams of me (and I let my voice drip with sarcasm at this point) involved my being so taken with your beauty and skills that I desired to make love with you for hours on end, until I was so sated that all I could do was let myself be seduced by your talks of changing my ways and becoming a crusader for good. You see me as a hero, don't you, little Slave? A woman whose passions and fighting instincts could be just as easily used for helping people than hurting them."

I had struck the nerve I had intended to, and moved in for the kill. I gently kissed her lips, tasting the salty taste of her tears and my own juices on her soft lips. Then just as quickly, I pressed harder, mashing her lips cruelly between her teeth and mine. I worked my mouth against her, until I could taste her coppery blood, and pulled my head back. My eyes blazed into hers.

"Well, it's NEVER going to happen. You see, I like my life the way it is…conquering and hurting and devastating with my power. I get off on it. And I'm going to get off all over conquering and hurting and devastating you." I bit into her lip one more time, then pushed off of her, leaving my words to sink in, as I stood up again. I began to strip off my armor, her eyes following my every movement.

THAT was the look I had been wanting. The look of resignation to a lifetime of pain, and any hope for relief dashed. I chuckled to myself at the word "hope." It would mean nothing to this Gabrielle, but it meant something to me. The reason I was here.

I didn't even hesitate to pull my shift over my head, and then removed my underwear. I stood above her, proud and naked, and threw my head back as I moved my hands over the length of my own body, knowing her eyes couldn't help but drink in the sight of my power. In this situation, my nudity would be more frightening than me fully clothed, and I milked it for all I could.

"Is this what you dreamed of, Whore?" I taunted, pinching my own nipples, which had already hardened enough to rival only hers. "Is this what you have wanted rolling beneath you, screaming in pleasure?"

Her inability to respond gave me an excuse to punish her again. I dropped to my knees and she jumped, but she jerked even harder when my hand slapped down over the tips of both breasts this time. "You should always answer me, Slave," I admonished, and when she opened her mouth to speak, I thrust three fingers inside. "Too late," I told her. "Make sure you get those fingers good and wet."

Her eyes widened around the digits, as she realized why I had said that, and I saw out of the corner of my eye that her thighs were clenching together, despite the difficulty in this position. I reached behind me, and jerked downward on her legs, straightening them beneath her. She yelped at the pain this movement caused on her already taxed arms and shoulders, but never stopped sucking furiously at my hand.

Oh fuck, her mouth was the best! Even as she nursed at my hand, I could feel sparks shooting downward to my itchy clit. I wanted to do this right, and in the condition I was in, I wasn't going to be able to think straight without some relief. I abruptly rolled her over, and untied her hands. She winced as I jerked them free, and I know they had lost their feeling, but didn't care about that, as I pulled her over a bit, and retied her hands to the leg of the heavy chair I had been sitting in earlier. The feeling would return to them in a few moments, and the pins and needles sensation would only add to her discomfort before giving way to better circulation. I moved my own body, and pressed my center hard into her upper left thigh. I heard her whimper as my wetness coated her skin, but she readily accepted my fingers in her mouth again.

"Did you dream of this?" I tormented, grinding myself hard against her flesh. "Did you dream about me getting off on you without your even having to use your hands or mouth? There are all kinds of body parts I can do this on…I can take my pleasure with you unconscious if I want."

She groaned as she watched my eyes, and she continued to lick my fingers. Her mouth was moving in the same rhythm of my hips, which was saying something as my movements were becoming very sporadic. I couldn't help it. She inflamed me so much.

Gods, I was going to come way too soon. The whole situation…her look of fear and helplessness…had fed my lust until I was too impassioned to make the feelings last. I took one of her nipples into my mouth, and bit hard as the first wave overtook me.

I could vaguely hear her groan somewhere, as I rode my pleasure out on her leg. I released the nipple, and grabbed her body to mine, my face buried between her breasts as I humped her, gasping for my own breath. When my breathing began to calm, I realized she was still breathing roughly, her tongue still absently moving against my fingers.

I jerked my hand free, and pulled myself off her. The lewd wet sound filtered through the quiet air. I shivered, and so did she. She knew she had brought me pleasure, and despite the fact that she was still frightened, I could see a sense of accomplishment in her expression, as if she felt I had somehow weakened.

I held up my wet hand in front of my face, studying it. I had to regain the dominance. I casually wiped my hand on the skirt bunched up beneath her, drying it completely. I held up my dried hand so she could see it. All of her work was for naught.

Both of us knew she was pumping out far more liquid down below than her mouth had left on my digits, but it was symbolic that I had wiped her efforts away. I smiled fiercely again, and she began to shake once more. Any confidence she had felt moments before had vanished as easily as Ares stepping through that portal.

"I'm going to take you, now," I said slowly. "Brace yourself…because it's going to hurt…a lot."

Xena's Scroll (Conclusion)
Gabrielle's Scroll
The Xena and Gabrielle XXX Scrolls