Chapter 20

Cody flung the heavy wooden doors open and angrily strode down the length of the stable in search of his horse. How dare she, he thought furiously as he jerked open the small gate to the stall. How dare she throw back my love to my face. I drop everything for her, risk being court marshaled for abandoning my men and she blames me?!? Cody yanked his saddle from the hook and slammed it on the back of his horse with enough force for the mare to rear back and protest the brutish treatment. 

"Picking on innocent animals now?" a quiet voice said from behind.

Cody whirled around to find Hickok leaning casually against a wall. "Leave me alone, Jimmy." Cody turned back to his horse.

"That ain't you, Cody," Hickok said, his voice heavy with disappointment. "The hard ass upstairs who broke his wife's heart and called his friends names? That ain't you."

"I said leave me alone," Cody bit out one word at a time.

But Hickok was insistent, "I know you're hurting. Losing a child is a terrible thing. But you still have your wife."

Cody turned around, and Hickok saw the bitterness on his face. "I don't have a wife." At Hickok's reproachful look, Cody continued, "Weren't you listening up there? She doesn't want me anymore. She chose this place over me. She chose them over me!"

"And why wouldn't she? You've been acting like an idiot since we arrived." Hickok dropped his voice. "I was listening up there, Cody, even if you weren't. Louisa wanted you to stay with her."

"That's not what I heard. She wanted me to leave her here."

"She doesn't want you to leave at all!" Hickok shook his head at Cody's mutinous expression. "I don't think she ever wanted you to leave her."

Hickok continued, "Whose idea was it to bring her here? Hmmm?"

"I was trying to make a living!" Cody exploded. "I'm out there everyday, tracking God-knows-what in God-knows-where so I could provide for her. Louisa is not one of the chits we used to bed for the night, Jimmy. She is a lady, a real lady used to a gentler life. I took that life away from her when I made her my wife."

Hickok searched his friend's face, seeing defeat in the proud eyes.  He knew pride. He recognized it. For the first time, he understood the reason behind Cody's return to the Army. It wasn't adventure or thrill-seeking that drew Cody to the dangerous life, as they all thought. It was something more basic. Something simpler -- the desire of a man to provide for his woman.

"Did Louisa ever complain?" Hickok asked.

Cody shook his head slowly.

"And that makes you feel worse," Hickok concluded softly.

A careless shrug was Cody's only response.

"You fool! Louisa loves you and I don't think she cares whether you live in a shack or a grand house. She only wants to be with you."

"What makes you such an expert in what my wife wants?" Cody demanded angrily.

"You only have to look in her eyes and see her longing for you," Hickok responded. 

Cody turned to his horse and tightened the cinch, giving the mare's rump a gentle pat that belied the turmoil in him. "I don't know, Jimmy. Louisa made her choice and I've made my mine," he said as he led the horse out of the stable. 

"Where are you going?" Hickok asked as he followed Cody outside. 

"Back to the Army. I've left my soldiers long enough." Cody coughed to hide the break in his voice. "I'll be back."

"You're making a mistake, Cody."

Cody smirked, "Yeah? Well, it won't be the first time, would it? All I seem to be doing is make mistakes."

Hickok shook his head. He remembered the searing looks he'd seen pass between Buck and Louisa earlier. "Don't wait too long, Cody," he called out as Cody mounted his horse. "Come back soon and tell Louisa you love her." Before somebody else beats you to it, my friend, Hickok said silently to himself as Cody rode away.

You could still catch up with him, a tiny voice inside told Louisa. You'll be together and that's all that matters, right? the voice insisted.

Louisa suddenly whirled from the window and dashed across the room. She snatched her valise from the armoire and began stuffing her clothes in it. What I cannot take now, I'll send for later, she thought, as she went to the dresser and collected her toiletries. She stopped only once -- to write a quick apologetic note to Kid and Lou -- before she rushed toward the stables, her long coat flying behind her. She ignored the startled looks of the men standing guard outside the stable. From the corner of her eye she saw Hickok approach. She raised her hand and shook her head at him, her eyes tearfully beseeching him not to follow. His steps slowed, stopped and finally, he turned back. 

Louisa entered the stables and headed straight toward Sally, the horse she'd been riding for the past several weeks. She dropped her valise and tried to take one of the saddles from the hook. It proved to heavy and she struggled with it, once, twice. 

She fought the tears that had threatened to spill since the moment she saw Cody leave. 

She lost. 

Louisa dropped the heavy saddle, sat down on the floor and cried. Not quietly, but in huge, wracking sobs that shook her body. Tears of anger. Of sadness. Of disappointment. 

She had wanted Cody to stay with her. To choose to stay with her. She had believed he would. Even when he walked out and headed straight to the stables, a tiny part of Louisa believed, hoped he would turn back, take her into his arms and tell her everything would be all right. That he loved her and they could start over. 

Surrounded by the horses soft nickers, Louisa poured out her misery. And when the tears had dried up, she slept.

Buck's eyes roamed Louisa's tear-stained face. None of her earlier torment showed in slumber and for that he was grateful. He had forced himself not to rush in and take her into his arms and comfort her when he first heard her cry. He had listened quietly as the sobs turned into occasional hiccups. He had listened still when all that was left was her soft breathing. He had known she needed the release.

He had seen her rush down the stairs earlier and head towards the stables. He had followed and she had never seen him. She was so wrapped up in her misery she had not become aware of his presence. When Hickok moved to stop her, he had shaken his head and signaled his friend to let her pass. He knew she wouldn't leave. He prayed she wouldn't be able to. Buck knew it was a selfish wish, but he had long realized when it came to Louisa, he was a selfish man. 

Gently, Buck picked Louisa from the floor and cradled her in his arms. His heart hitched when she snuggled and instinctively put her arms around his neck. His heart bled when he heard her murmur a name.

His name.

Buck knew he wasn't alone as soon as he hoisted himself up the roof of the barn. The tiny flame of at the end of a cheroot danced like an orange firefly in the dark, barely illuminating Hickok's features.

"Nice spot you got here," Hickok observed. 

"Best in the ranch," Buck responded warily as he folded his lean frame into a comfortable sitting position, a shotgun on his side. The air was chilly and he pulled his buckskin coat tighter to ward off the cold.

"You can see almost everything that's going on," Hickok continued. 

Buck remained quiet, his gaze fixed on the horizon. He waited for the inevitable questions about Louisa. 

But they didn't come. 

Hickok seemed to be more interested in what Buck thought about the murders, how Lou and the family was coping and what Teaspoon was saying. Jimmy asked Buck about Amanda's establishment, saying he was interested in putting in some money in the saloon. They reminisced about their adventures as riders for the Pony Express. They remembered their fallen friends, Ike and Noah. They talked about their former charge Jesse James and wondered if the stories about the criminal life he led were true. 

When slivers of fiery red and glorious orange peeked from behind the mountains, heralding the breaking of a new dawn, the two friends fell silent, lost in their memories.

Buck looked down and saw drowsy ranch hands stagger towards the bunkhouse. New guards took up the abandoned posts while others went about the ranch business of feeding the horses and exercising them. Buck watched Lou cross the clearing, a steaming cup of coffee in her hand. A grin spread across his face when he saw Kid kiss his wife in greeting. Lou cuddled to her husband, her arms around his waist as he enjoyed his morning brew.

Hickok watched the same scene. When he looked at Buck, there was a trace of pain in his eyes the smile on his lips couldn't completely erase. "I know how it is to want and love what you cannot have, Buck," he said softly.

Buck stared at Hickok in surprise. Everybody had known Kid wasn't the only one in love with Lou, but this was the closest Hickok had come to admitting his feelings.

"Hell of a life, ain't it?" Hickok said.

Buck was about to nod his assent when he noticed a cloud of dust stirring up in the horizon. His hand immediately went to the shotgun at his side.

Hickok had seen the change in Buck's demeanor and followed his friend's gaze. "Too small to be a group of riders," he observed. "That's good."

"Yeah, but whoever it is, he is coming in awfully fast," Buck said as he slid down the ladder with ease, Hickok close behind him. "And that's bad."

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