Title: The right time to say goodbye

Author: Sarah

E-mail: taraka66@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB. I’ve just borrowed them.

Summary: Xander needs to say goodbye.

Authors notes: This is set eight years in the future.  Xander left after graduation and didn’t return. I’ve tampered with the timeline subsequently.

Feedback: A really silly question, I love your feedback! It helps me to think of new ideas, and helps my fingers type quicker.

Dedication:  As always to everyone at WXFic and Xanderships, especially Louise; GM, Cri, Bri, Jess, Chad, Emma, Carola , Christi and Laura. You guys rock! J

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The right time to say goodbye.

To leave somewhere that has been your home for your entire life is hard.  But to return after so many years is harder still. You’re scared. Scared that everything and everyone you knew has changed.  Afraid that the memories you cherish may be all you have left of your friends and family.

For eight long years after I left Sunnydale, I thought about my friends.  How their lives would have changed.  Whether they even still lived there.  I was afraid to come home, but I knew it was something I had to do.  To see Willow once more, to say something I should have said eight years ago.  I just hoped she would listen to me.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The battered green sign with its welcome message signalled my return home.  I drove deeper into the heart of the town, familiar buildings helping welcome memories to surface in my mind.

I drove past the Bronze.  Memories of Willow, Buffy and vampires filtered through my brain.  The Bronze had seen the beginning of the changes of my life.  I changed from an innocent teenager whose life revolved around his two best friends to a member of a group who fought evil as regularly as most teenagers go to the movies.

The day I found out about vampires, everything I had cherished and held dear changed.  Especially my friendship with Willow.  

The first day I met her in kindergarten I knew she would be special to me.  At four though, I didn’t understand just how special one person could be.

At sixteen I was still oblivious.  Caught up in my raging hormones and desperately hoping to be noticed by a pretty girl, I didn’t realise that the most beautiful girl in the world had noticed me. . . until it was too late.

Buffy’s arrival in Sunnydale literally brought hell into my life.  Until I met her, the toughest challenge I faced was getting a passing grade at school.  Although with Willow’s help, that was never really a problem. 

Fighting evil became almost as normal as crossing the road or flossing my teeth. As we fought, we changed and grew up. 

Seeing Willow laying in that hospital bed, her face pale, and her beautiful red hair hanging lifelessly around her face made me realise how important she was to me.  The thought of living without her made me understand that she was a part of me. She held the key to my heart and soul, and I knew from that moment she always would. 

I told her that night that I loved her.  It was the first time I had admitted it, even to myself.  My words brought her back, but her reply shattered my heart.  She didn’t call for me but for Oz.

Why would she have called for me?  I had hurt her so much - not noticing her, subjecting her to watching me try to attract other girl’s attention and ignoring her.

She had a right to have someone to love her, treat her as she should be treated, and Oz did.  I could see that he loved her.  He cared for her and protected her.  He took the role that had always been mine, and I was jealous.  But Willow was happy, so I tried my best to be happy too.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I pull to a stop outside Sunnydale High.  The buildings are different. Well, I hadn’t expected them to be the same, especially after Graduation.

I remember the library, the time I spent there, it became like a second home to me. In fact, it was more of a home than the one I had.  At least the people in the library cared for me, certainly more than my parents ever did.

I sit watching the students milling back and forth, from one class to the next. As I watch I see her.  I hadn’t expected to find her here, maybe she was teaching? She had enjoyed teaching after Miss Calendar died.  I watch mesmerised, her auburn hair glistening in the sunlight.  A smile lighting up her face.  She isn’t smiling at me.  She’s smiling at Oz.

She hugs him and he hugs her back.  As I watch my heart sinks.  Obviously they’re together. A couple.  I should be pleased that Willow is happy, but I can’t help but let my heart ache at the thought that she’s happy with someone else.  I let her walk out of my life by running away.

A single tear escapes from my eye, rolling down my cheek as I watch her walk away with Oz.

Perhaps I should go, leave Sunnydale again.  Push all of my memories away, try to get on with my life without her.

The only problem is I don’t think I will be able to move on, unless I am sure she is completely happy.  I know it’s selfish, but I need to see her once more, be close enough to speak to her.  If I talk to her, I will know whether she’s happy or not. Her every gesture, the way she moves her head and hands will tell me the truth, even if the words she speaks are lies. 

I watch as she disappears, oblivious to the fact that I’m watching her.  After eight years I’m sure that she’s pushed any memories of our time together to the far reaches of her mind.

I wipe the tears that are now flowing freely from my eyes, accepting finally that I might just have to say goodbye forever.

I check the address for the fourth time.  I had spent the afternoon in Sunnydale’s library researching and I had finally secured Oz’s address.  Fortunately there had only been two Daniel Osborne’s mentioned in the electoral role and one had been ninety.

I practise again the words I need to say to her, my hands shaking with nerves.  I hadn’t been this nervous since I took my Bar exam. Who would imagine that Alexander LaVelle Harris would turn out to be a lawyer?  My parents wouldn’t and I doubt any of my friends would either.

Willow was the only person who’d ever believed in me.  She always encouraged me to try my best.  When I tried to hide my failure behind humour, she always understood and reassured me that I could do anything I wanted to if I tried.  Leaving her behind finally made me try, hoping that one day I might be able to prove to her that she was right to believe in me when no one else did.

I take a deep breath before finally leaving the safety of my car to walk towards Oz and Willow’s home.  My hand reaches out and presses the doorbell. 

I wait nervously, shifting uneasily from one foot to the other. A dog barking from a neighbour’s garden causes me to involuntary leap into the air.  As I try to regain my composure, the white door opens slowly, revealing a small child, her long auburn hair flowing around her face.  Her emerald green eyes sparkling with the innocence a child has when looking at life.  She smiles at me, her smile revealing a gap where her two front teeth should be.

“Hi is your Mommy or Daddy around?” I ask nervously.

“Mom!” she shouts back into the house.

I hear a rustle from inside and then footsteps approach from the back of the house.

The door opens wider, the little girl’s mother gently begins to chastise her daughter “You know you shouldn’t open the door without checking. . . .” as her eyes rise from her daughter to me, she stops speaking, her face contorted into a look of pure surprise.

“Buffy?” I ask incredulously.

“Xander?” she asks, still completely astounded to find her friend on her doorstep.

I nod, shocked to find Buffy, I had expected Willow to answer the door.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, as she nervously twists the tea towel she has grasped between her hands.

“I came to see Willow,” I state simply. “I thought she would be here with Oz.  He does live here doesn’t he?”

Buffy nodded “Yes, Oz lives here, Louise, Oz and I”

The little girl who I assume to be Louise begins to nod her head furiously.

“I’m sorry,” I continue, still taking in everything she had just said. “I was so sure I was going to find that Willow would be Mrs. Osborne, and when Louise had opened the door, she had reminded me so much of Willow that I thought she would be her daughter.”

Buffy sighed “I think there are a few things I need to tell you.  You had better come in.

I follow Buffy into the lounge.  Photographs adorn the walls and mantelpiece.  Pictures of Oz and Buffy, Louise at various stages of childhood,  with Giles and Willow.

Willow’s smile in the pictures makes my heart ache even more.  She looks so happy without me. Maybe coming back is a mistake.

“Please sit down.” Buffy says, an icy tone to her voice, one I’d only ever heard her use with vampires and demons.

I follow her instructions and perch on the edge of the couch, twisting my hands nervously, dreading the next few minutes where I would have to explain everything.

“Where have you been? Why decide to come back now? Do you know how much you hurt everyone when you left, especially Willow?”

Buffy’s tirade causes my heart to sink and I shift uneasily on the couch as I begin my explanation.

“I’ve been in L.A trying to get on with my life, being useful.  I couldn’t stay anymore, everyone was moving on to college.  Where was I going? The quickest route to McDonalds or a dead end job like my father’s.”

“I can’t apologise enough for hurting you, Willow and anyone else who might have cared about me.  But I couldn’t stay.  I couldn’t fight anymore.  I couldn’t watch. . .” my voiced cracked, this was harder than I had thought it would be.  I had wanted to explain everything to Willow. I had hoped she would have understood, maybe even forgiven me. 

I couldn’t look at Buffy, see the look of betrayal in her eyes. I had betrayed them.  I’d left them all without even saying goodbye. I was a coward.

“Couldn’t watch what?” Buffy prodded, bringing me away from my guilt and back to reality.

“I couldn’t watch Willow and Oz.  I could see how much she loved him and how much he loved her. I wanted her to love me, but I knew I’d blown my chance by not realising how important she was until it was too late.  Watching her with Oz was slowly tearing me apart.  If I had stayed I, don’t know what would have happened.  I just had to go.”  I glanced up from my shoes to look at Buffy.  Her face had softened and a small smile passed over her lips.

“Why did you come back?” she asked quietly, her sparkling blue eyes meeting mine for the first time.

“Because I needed to know Willow was happy.  Everyday I’ve thought about her.  Wished that she was happy.  So I came back to do what I should have done eight years ago.” Buffy raised her eyebrows questioningly “To say goodbye.” If that’s what Willow wants, I added silently, for the first time allowing a glimmer of hope that I might be able to have a part in Willow’s life again, however small.

“I don’t know how she’s going to react Xander. She’s finally gotten over you leaving. She’s moved, on and for the first time, she’s happy.”

I feel my heart and hopes sink.  Was I selfish enough to ruin her happiness again?  I had hurt Willow so many times before, I didn’t know whether I could bring myself to hurt her again. “If she’s really happy, I’ll go.  I can’t hurt her again. I’ve hurt her too many times in the past.”

“How dare you make that decision for me!”  Willow’s voice shouts angrily at me from the doorway. 

I turn towards her.  She’s standing in the doorway, her eyes filled with pain and tears, and her face full of anger.  Oz is standing by her side and for once, his face contains a myriad of emotions, none appear to be of the friendly kind.

“Willow.” I manage to say before she turns and hurries out of the front door.

I start to follow her, but Oz stops me.

“She needs time,” he says, looking at me now with a mixture of contempt and sadness.

I sigh. I’d managed it again.  I’d hurt Willow.  I’d already committed my last glance of her to my memory and I knew I’d never forget, her green eyes brimming with tears and her face full of anger.

Anger at me.

I sit back down, the last few moments replaying in my mind.  Willow doesn’t want me here, maybe I should go, return to L.A and my semblance of a normal life.  As I sit lost in thought I don’t notice Louise entering the room. 

“Mommy.  Daddy.  Why did Aunt Willow leave? She promised to take me to the park.” The little girl’s green eyes pleading with her parents for an explanation.

Buffy looked at her husband hoping that he would be able to explain to their daughter why her aunt had left so suddenly.

Oz smiled sadly. “Louise.  Aunt Willow needs some time to herself, some time to think.”

Louise’s face was filled with confusion. Why would Aunt Willow need to go away to think? Couldn’t she think here?

Oz recognised the look of confusion on his daughter’s face and tried to think of another explanation.

I decided to step in. It was after all my fault that Willow had left and would not be taking Louise to the park.

“Louise,” I began. She turned to look at me.  Her inquisitive face studying mine. “Aunt Willow was mad at me,  mad at me for leaving a long time ago.  I came to say hello today, and Aunt Willow needs some time to think.  Think about whether she is going to forgive me.  Whether we can be friends again. Do you have a special friend?”

Louise nodded. “Flora, we’ve  been best friends since kindergarten.” She smiled, her eyes lighting up with memories of her friend.

“Have you and Flora ever fallen out? Had an argument?”

Louise’s face clouds over as she began to think very carefully. She nodded slowly. “We didn’t talk to each other for two days!” she exclaimed.

“Why?” I ask curiously.

“She told Zac that I loved him!” She screwed up her face to emphasize that she definitely did not love Zac.

“Oh,” I smiled, I glanced up quickly towards Buffy and Oz who both smiled reassuringly at me.  Perhaps I wasn’t a complete failure in their eyes after all.

“Did you and Aunt Willow have a fight?” Louise asked.

“Sort of. I’ve come back to see if we can be friends again, just like you and Flora.”

“Good. It’s much nicer when you have a friend to play with. Being by yourself isn’t much fun.”

“No” I agreed. “Being by yourself isn’t any fun at all.”

Buffy took Louise to the kitchen to help with dinner, while Oz and I sat uncomfortably in the lounge.

I continued to study my shoes, suddenly interested in the patterns of the stitching, hoping that Louise would come in and offer a distraction.

Finally Oz broke the silence.

“She’ll calm down.  Seeing you again was a shock.  She never thought you’d come back. She was finally getting used to life without you.” He spoke the words evenly, his calm nature not betraying any emotion.

“I didn’t want to hurt her. I thought she was happy, had everything she wanted. Especially you.”

“But you did hurt her.  Even though we were dating, and she thought she was in love with me, there was always a wedge between us.” He paused and I looked up from my shoes, my eyebrows raised questioningly. “You,” he continued.  “I knew my relationship with Willow was on borrowed time, because one day you were going to wake up to how much you loved her and you’d tell her.  When you did, I knew she would leave me. She needed you and you left.”

His final sentence was like a knife slicing through my heart.

“The day after you left, her world fell apart.  You had been the one constant in her life.  The one person who knew her, probably better than she knew herself.  It was as if a part of her had left.  I tried to be there for her, Buffy too.  But the one person she desperately needed had left her, without even saying goodbye.”

My head sank, as I listened to the pain that I had caused.  I had hoped that if I left she would be able to get on with her life, but I had been mistaken.

“She became distant,” Oz continued, “Trapped in a world of memories.  It took her a long time to accept that she would probably never see you again.  She finally moved on.  Leaving me.  I knew our relationship was over the moment you left.”

“As Buffy and I supported Willow, we realised that somewhere along the line we had fallen in love.  We’ve been together ever since.” Oz finished, a smile crossing his face as he recalled his relationship with Buffy.

“Is Willow happy?” I finally managed to ask, my mind still trying to accept how much pain I had caused her by being selfish.  In our friendship, I was always the selfish one, always taking what Willow was prepared to give.  She is the most selfless person I know, and I love her for it.

Oz nodded. “She teaches Computer Science at the High School, I teach there too.  She still helps with the research, and she spends as much time as she possibly can with Louise.  She’s dating a teacher from the school, Mark. He’s nice, they’ve been together six months. Her life is finally falling into place.”

“And I came back to cause her more pain. I can’t stay.  I’ve hurt her too much in the past.  She needs to get on with her life, be happy.” I stand up, ready to leave.  I reach into my jacket pocket and pull out the envelope I’d slipped in there while I was in my car.

“You can’t leave again.  You need to talk with her, straighten out the past so that you can both move on.” Oz spoke forcefully.

“I can’t stay and cause her more pain.  She’s happy. I know that now. It was wrong of me to come back. Please give her the envelope.” I turn and walk towards the door.

As I open it, Buffy and Louise emerge from the kitchen.

“Goodbye Buffy, Louise.  It’s been great to see you again.”

I turn and walk towards my car, knowing that this will be the last time I come home. Sunnydale will never be my home again.  It can’t be as long as I love Willow.  Watching her lead her life without me would be the biggest torture of all.  At least in L.A I can pretend to be happy.

I get in my car and drive out of Sunnydale, leaving behind me the memories of my childhood. I silently say goodbye to everyone and everything that I’ve cherished for the last eight years.  My future would start now, a hollow one without Willow.

I drive past the sign, which denotes the boundary of Sunnydale, towards the place that I now call home.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

To be continued in The right time for forgiveness

Willow and Xander fanfiction